Juul and Vaporizing Pens

Vaporizing and E cigarettes have been popular with teenagers for a while.  Teenagers have used them as a way to use nicotine and marijuana.  Parents and schools have started to become aware of vaporizing Pens.  However, teenagers have found away to vaporize without it being obvious.  Teenagers are now using an object called “Jewel.”  This is a very slim, sleek object which looks more like an object for a computer.  In fact, it resembles a flash drive which teenagers use on a regular basis.

The reason this is important for parents to be aware of is because vaporizing is very common with a majority of teenagers.  They do not feel that it imposes any health risks and many teens say it helps them relax.  Many teenagers have been using vaporizing pens since they were 13 years old.  Many people assume only teenagers who typically use drugs are vaporizing.  However, this assumption is wrong.  Students who are considered very good students are vaporizing.  According to teenagers, they feel it is healthier than cigarettes and it helps them deal with the pressure of everyday life.  Teenagers today do face a great deal of pressure to do it all.  To play a sport, be involved with after school activities, take AP classes and maintain at least a 4.0 grade average so they can be accepted to the best colleges.  Many teenagers are trying to maintain a 4.5 grade point average.  So teenagers today in high school are under a great deal of pressure.

Again many parents may feel this trend doesn’t apply to their teenager.  In order to get the point across that this applies to a majority of teenagers, even those with a 4.5 grade point average, I have included a link to a video https://youtu.be/gjYT4YG7jOk.  This video contains all types of teenagers who explain how common vaporizing is for teenagers these days.  Many say they started vaporizing as young as 13 years old.  I know it is very common because as a psychotherapist who treats teenagers, I have had many teens bring their vaporizing pens into their psychotherapy sessions and try to use them.

However, the juul which looks like a flash drive is an easier way for teens to vaporize. While legally you need to be 18 to purchase one, teenagers are able to buy these on line with no problem.  Also the juul provides 4 to 5 times the amount of nicotine or marijuana that a vaporizing pen provides.  Therefore, the juul puts the teenager’s health at a greater risk and they are more addictive.  These devices have been out for about two years.  In that time, some schools have become aware of the trend that teenagers are using juuls instead of vaporizing.  Because of this fact, another device referred to as a phix is now becoming popular.  It also looks like something a teenager needs for a computer.  The point is that parents have to be aware all the time regarding issues related to drugs.  The illegal drugs and tobacco companies are always developing new ways for teenagers to use.  Also age requirements are not a problem since teens can purchase items on line.

So parents are more aware about the juul situation and what they look like, I have included a link to a news report regarding juul use from a schools point of view and a seller of the devices who has concerns about teenagers.  Parents please watch this video https://youtu.be/W73NFZy_38o.

Parents may be wondering what do I do? What you need to do is talk to your teenager about these devices explain the risks and ask if they are using them.  Also listen to what your teenagers are talking about with their friends and if you hear a term you are not familiar with then research it.  Also continue to talk with your teenager about things going on in their lives and decisions they are facing.  Many teens are using these devices to decrease the stress the feel to be perfect.  Let your teenager know you don’t want them to be perfect. Let them know you are more concerned about them being happy.  So if they can’t keep at 4.5 grade point, just do their best.  This can help teens a great deal.  Many of the teens I work with put the pressure to be perfect on themselves.  They assume their parents expect them to be super teenagers.  They are shocked and relieved to find out their parents don’t have these expectations. The key is communication.  Talk to your teen let them know your expectations and that you will except them no matter what.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 20 years experience treating teenagers and children.  For more information about his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

What is More Effective, Discipline or Punishment?

As a psychotherapist who works with children and adolescents, I often hear how their parents are too strict and unfair. Many children and adolescents feel their parents punishments are not appropriate and their parents are out of touch with today’s world.  I also hear parents tell me no matter what rules or punishments they impose that their children refuse to follow the rules. Yes this is a common argument but let’s look at the situation closer.

From my experience, one of the major issues in this situation is the difference between discipline and punishment.  Many people may feel there is no difference between the two concepts.  However, there is a major difference between the two terms.

Discipline is used to teach a child or teenager about rules and life.  Punishments are used to tell a child or teenager they did something wrong such as breaking a house rule.  However, punishments often have no association to the broken rule and often make a child feel like they are bad and they often don’t know which rule they broke.  Punishments do not teach they only make a child feel bad or angry.  For example, if it was the child’s turn to take out the garbage and they forgot and went to a friend’s house instead.  Discipline would be having them take out the garbage and clean the dinner table for a week.  A punishment would be that they were grounded and had to stay in the house for two weeks.  What connection does the grounding have to forgetting to take out the garbage?

Research has shown that discipline is a more effective way to teach children\teenagers about rules and appropriate behavior.  The discipline needs to have some association with the rule that was broken.  A punishment which tends to make a child think they are bad and has no association to the rule they broke typically teaches a child nothing.  What it typically does is make a child feel like they are a bad person and they often don’t understand why they are being punished.

I had a fourth grader ask to come to therapy because they were tired of getting in trouble at home.  They felt like they were a bad person and he had no idea why he was doing bad things at home on a regular basis.  Therefore, the punishments taught him nothing except it did lower his self-esteem.  Research also has shown that children and teenagers who feel they are bad people are more likely not to graduate high school and to get involved with drugs and alcohol.  They feel they are bad so they feel they should be doing things associated with “bad kids.”

As I stated discipline has been shown to be more effective with children and teenagers.  However, before a parent imposes discipline there are important steps for the parent to take:

1. First, the parent needs to let the child\teenager know that they love them and that the child\teen is not bad, but they made a mistake.
2. The parent needs to explain what mistake the child made and why it is a mistake.
3. Explain that they are imposing the discipline to help the child learn from their mistake and hopefully they won’t make the same mistake again.
4. Let the child know when the discipline starts and ends.  Also do not make it too long or severe.  It should be in proportion to the mistake.  It should also needs to be age appropriate.
5. Finally, ask the child if they understand and if they have any questions.     

One thing that makes disciplining a child or teenager easier is having a behavior contract.  It is important if parents sit down with the child or teenager and develop a behavior contract and consequences if the child violates the contract.  Therefore, if your child makes a mistake, the consequence is already known because it is in the contract.  Therefore, it is less likely that the child will feel like a bad person or confused about the consequences because everyone in the family agreed to them.

I recommend contracts on a regular basis.  The contracts help reinforce the discipline that choices have consequences.  Therefore, the parent is teaching a child to think before they act.  Thereby, significantly decreasing the odds that they will make a bad choice.  It can also help a child deal with peer pressure because you have already discussed what you feel is appropriate.  They also help to reduce arguments at home.  If everyone agrees to the contract and a teenager violates the contract they cannot blame Mom and Dad for the consequences.  Mom and Dad are only enforcing the agreed upon contract.  The teenager needs to take responsibility for their choice.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Meet the New Drug in Town

Coco Loco is the new way teenagers have found to get a high.  This product recently entered the United States.  It is not being marketed as a drug so the FDA has no authority over it.  Teens assume it is safe because it is chocolate and natural.

Since this substance is so new, I have included a link that you can look at so you are more familiar with this substance. https://youtu.be/MV6QIsqA_f4         

While chocolate is one ingredient it also includes ingredients common in energy drinks so the person feels a burst of energy.  What is the problem?  Since this is not regulated, there is no way to determine the amount of caffeine or other substances used to increase your heart rate are in it.  Therefore, if a teen has been drinking a number of energy drinks and then snorts Coco Loco, they won't know if they have had too much until it is too late.

Increasing your heart rate can be dangerous.  Most people who do cardio exercises take their heart rate to make sure their heart rate is in a safe zone and not too fast.  When a person’s heart rate is too fast, they can have a heart attack or a stroke just to mention some of the physical dangers.  Also if a person ingest too much caffeine they can cause themselves to have a psychotic episode.

The problem with Coco Loco is since it is marketed as “natural” it does not have to comply with the labeling or health codes that substances considered as medical have to follow.  If you go to a store such as GNC that tends to sell products to help lose weight or improve your energy level, you will find many of the items do not list ingredients or health warnings.  By law they do not have to.

So the problem is that many teenagers may assume this product is totally safe when it is not.  The problem is that they may discover this when their hear is beating 200 beats a minute and their health is at risk or they have had too much caffeine and find themselves waking up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital because they had a psychotic episode.

So parents, take a few minutes and discuss Coco Loco with your teenagers.  In fact, discuss it with any of your children who are going to school.  There is no age restriction on who can buy it and children may not hesitate to try it because it is chocolate.  Explain the difference and the risks so they can make a good choice.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years working as a psychotherapist treating children and teenagers.  For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com.  

Toys can Kill

Parents it's sad to say but in today's world toys can result in a child being killed.  We would like to assume we still live in a world that is safe for our kids, where they can go outside to play and we know they will be safe. However, this is no longer the truth. The world has changed and kids are no longer just safe to go out and play.

One major change is the increase in violence in our society. Since the year 2000 there have been 160 mass shootings and they are increasing every year (ABC News).  Because of this law enforcement and people in general are more sensitive to guns and violence.

The problem for our children is a number of toy manufactures are making toy guns that look real.  There is a man selling toy assault weapons on the Internet and he has a waiting list for people wanting to buy these "toys" for their kids. We need to think about the toys kids are playing with before they go out to play.  If they are outside or at school playing with a "toy gun" that looks real they may end up getting killed.  Kids video games have become violent and many involve shooting and killing. If a police officer tells a child to drop their gun, they may think it is a game or that the officer knows it is a toy and ignore the officer and the officer may shoot because of the risk to him and others that may be around. What happens, the child gets killed because they thought they were playing a game.  In fact, one child is killed by a gun every 30 minutes in the US (CDC). This rate is higher than the Middle East.

Video games and movies have become also become very violent. In the 1990's a movie received an R rating for swearing. Now those movies are PG. Movies that receive R ratings today are very graphic violently and sexually.  Many kids believe these movies represent daily normal life.  The children I work with are now only interested in watching movies and playing video games that are graphically violent with people getting killed. Remember children don't reason like adults. They can hit the reset button on a game and start over and everyone is a live.  Therefore, many children and teens do not think they will be killed because the typical belief most children have about life are that children are not killed, adults are killed.

In addition to movies and games becoming violent children today are being exposed to mass shootings all most daily. As a result, children are accepting violence as an everyday fact of life. I do an anger management group for teens and when the topic of caring knifes or guns came up, most of the teens thought it was a good idea. When I asked about being killed accidentally, they didn’t care.  Many of them felt there already was a chance they could be shot or stabbed by someone, therefore, they should at least be able to defend themselves.  This is a sad way for children to be growing up.

Teens are also seeing that guns can be an answer to some of their problems. We have seen news stories where teens have planned and murdered another kid because they did not like the other child.  The recent shooting at the game arcade in Florida occurred because a teen was mad that someone beat him at a video game.  For teens 10 to 24 suicide is the third leading cause of death and using a gun to commit suicide is one of the top three choices (CDC).  Therefore, guns pose a major health hazard to children and teenagers.

What does this mean to parents? It means when you are buying games, Holiday gifts or birthday gifts that parents need to think. It is important to pay attention to the rating and the age of your child. If you buy the video games rated mature which can deal with killing or raping, do you want your child exposed to these issues? Do not allow them to play with realistic toy guns without appropriate education especially teaching them never to point it at someone. A police officer may not have the time to determine if your teen has a toy gun or real gun.  Furthermore, monitor the movies they watch. Do not allow them to watch movies or television shows that glorify violence. Remember their brains are not totally mature yet, so they need their parents to think for them when it comes to violence.

When the US in ranked number one in kids being killed by guns and are children assume they have a good chance of being killed by a gun, and kids think a video game or movie is good only if there is killing, parents must act. Parents must try to re-educate our children. It's not too late. 

Dr Michael Rubino specializes in treating children and adolescents. He has 20 years experience working with teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

The Truth about Parent Abuse

Many people are worried about child abuse, however there is another type of abuse, Parent Abuse.  This abuse occurs more often than many people think.  It usually occurs with teenagers in high school or pre-adolescents in middle school.  It can happen with College students who live at home too.  When I hear a situation that sounds like parental abuse and mention it to the parents typically they do not want to discuss it or they deny it. Kim Abraham, LMSW & Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW have also examined this issues and I have included their findings and approaches to this topic too.  This is real and I have seen it many times with the teenagers I see for psychotherapy.  Unfortunately, most teenagers and parents believe that the teenager cannot be held responsible for their behavior.  They believe authorities only act on child abuse, but this is not true.

Parental abuse can leave a parent feeling embarrassed, ashamed, angry, terrified, and unsure what to do. These feelings are what we call “parent paralyzers”: feelings that are so intense they overtake logic and reason; feelings that leave us questioning ourselves, trapped in uncertainty about what direction to take. If you’re in this situation with your child, know that it doesn’t mean you are weak or not intelligent. In fact, many parents who are the victim of a teen’s abuse at home are successful in the workplace or other settings.

Is My Child’s Behavior Abusive?

If your child or teen is harming you physically, you are being abused. It’s that plain and simple. One man raising his granddaughter admitted, “I knew her behavior was unacceptable; she would throw things whenever she got mad and one time she hit me in the chest with an ashtray. After that, she started throwing things with the intention of hitting me. I just never thought of it as abusive.” No one wants to believe their child could be abusive. Emotion can “muddy the waters,” make us question whether or not things are as “bad” as our gut tells us they are. Ask yourself: if your child was anyone else — a neighbor, a co-worker — would you consider his or her actions to be assault or abusive? This will help you take the emotion out of evaluating a situation.

Warning Signs of Parental Abuse

Sometimes a situation escalates without us even realizing it. The following are some potential warning signs that a child’s behavior is bordering on abusive:

Feeling Intimidated

It’s normal to feel your child is pushing boundaries to get what he wants. Kids will ask over and over for something they want, until a parent can finally snap, “I told you no!” What’s not typical is to feel that if you don’t give your child what she wants, she will retaliate in a way that is harmful to you. Intimidation is a way of frightening someone else into doing something. It may be the words, the tone of voice, or even just a look.

Extreme Defiance

Yes, kids can be defiant, even your typical child. But when it reaches a point that your child has no respect for your authority as a parent, outright defying the rules of your home with no fear or concern of consequences, it’s a potential sign of escalation. Many kids can be defiant without violence; however, extreme oppositional behavior can be part of a more serious picture.

An Escalating Pattern of Violence

Kids get angry, slam doors, throw things in a fit on the floor in their room. You can probably remember a time when you were growing up that you got mad and smashed something. But you learned that this behavior didn’t get you what you wanted and – in fact – may result in you having to re-buy things you valued. On the other hand, if a child or teen’s behavior continues to escalate to the point of destroying property, punching walls, shoving, hitting things near you or throwing things that “almost” hit you, making verbal threats or violating your personal boundaries (“getting in your space”), this is a pattern that may indicate abusive behavior.

Why Is My Teen Abusive?

When a child or teen turns abusive, it’s natural to ask “Why?” Many parents feel guilty, blaming themselves for their teen’s behavior: “If I was a better parent, my child wouldn’t be acting this way.”

The truth is, there can be several underlying factors contributing to parental abuse including poor boundaries, substance abuse (by either a parent or child), poor coping skills, underlying psychological conditions (such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder) and learned behavior. Some kids behave violently due to poor coping skills. Others are more deliberate and enjoy the power that comes from intimidating a parent. 

Remember: we can try to understand what’s going on in any situation, but there is no excuse or rationale for abusive behavior.

Responding to Parental Abuse

Aggressive and abusive behavior is not a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal. Your home is the place where your child will learn how to interact in the world. He is learning what’s acceptable — and what’s not. He’s learning about consequences for behavior and accountability.

One of the hardest tasks a parent can be faced with is responding to their own child’s aggression or abuse. It’s natural to feel torn. On one hand, it’s instinctual to protect your child. On the other hand, nothing can push a parent’s buttons of anger, disappointment and hurt like a child’s abusive behavior. Some days you may feel emotionally stronger than others. Only you can decide what you’re able to follow through with at any given time. Here are some suggestions:

1. Clearly Communicate Boundaries

Make sure your child understands your physical and emotional boundaries. You may need to clearly state: “It’s not okay to yell or push or hit me.” If you’ve said this to your child in the past, but allowed her to cross those boundaries in the past without consequence, she’s gotten mixed messages. Your words have told her one set of boundaries but your actions (by accepting being yelled at or hit) have communicated another set of boundaries. Make sure your non-verbal communication (what you do) matches your verbal communication (what you say).

2. Clearly Communicate Consequences For Abusive Behavior

Tell your teen: “If you hit me, throw something at me or otherwise hurt me physically, that’s called domestic violence and assault. Even though I love you, I will call you the police and you will be held accountable for your behavior.” Then – again – make sure your actions match your words. If you don’t think you can follow through with contacting the police – don’t say you will. This will only reinforce to your child that you make “threats” that won’t be carried out. You may choose to provide other consequences, other than legal, that you enforce. If a friend physically assaulted you, would you let her borrow your car or give her spending money the next day? Probably not.

3. Contact the Authorities

We don’t say this lightly or without understanding how difficult this can be for a parent. Some parents are outraged at a teen’s abusive behavior and react: “I’ve got no problem calling the cops on my kid if he ever raises a hand to me!” Other parents struggle, worrying about the long term consequences of contacting the police or unable to handle the thought of their child facing charges.

Remember, if your teen is behaving violently toward you now, there is the risk that this will generalize to his future relationships with a spouse, his own children or other members of society. You are not doing him a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without consequence.

4. Get Support

Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence. It’s a serious issue and needs immediate attention and intervention. Domestic violence has traditionally been characterized by silence. As hard as it is, break that silence. Get support from family or friends – anyone you think will be supportive.

If your natural supports tend to judge you and you’re afraid it will only make the situation worse, contact a local domestic violence hotline, counselor or support group. For support and resources in your community, you can also call 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, a free and confidential service through the United Way.

The road to a healthier relationship with your child will very likely take time. There’s no shortcut or quick fix. It starts with acknowledgement of the issue and accountability. If you’re facing this issue in your family, we wish you strength and empowerment.

I understand this is a very difficult and awkward topic to discuss and to seek help for.  However, remember you do not deserve to be abused just like your child doesn’t deserve to be abused.  Also, if you allow your teen to be abusive to you, they will be abusive to others and may end up in prison or dead.  You are doing your job as a parent by seeking help.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit one of his websites www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com.

Is Bullying the New Norm?

The problem of children being bullied at school and online is getting worse not better.  There are a number of school programs designed to decrease bullying but unfortunately they do not seem to be making the impact we hoped they were making with children.  There are two incidents which occurred recently which makes me feel this way.

One technique we teach children is not to be passive and get involved.  In other words, if they see another student being bullied to tell a teacher, provide emotional support to the child who is being bullied or to stand up to the other children and request that they stop.  Well a six year old boy did this for a friend.  He saw a friend being bullied and he told the other children to stop.  The children turned on him and now he probably will need surgery for a broken arm.  I have included the video so you can see what happened to this brave boy.  Please watch this video 

https://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2018/08/28/6-year-old-attacked-bullies-carter-english-sot-es-vpx.cnn.

Another example is a nine year old boy who came out to family and friends over the summer that he was gay.  The teasing and bullying he received from the other boys was so intense he recently committed suicide.  Imagine the bullying that a 9 year old was having to endure was so intense that he decided he would be better off dead.  He had a supportive family, but that was not enough to eliminate the trauma he experienced from the boys who were bullying him.

As adults we need to step in and do something to stop this bullying epidemic.  We are telling children to speak up and we are trying anti-bullying programs and they are helping somewhat but not enough.  We have to look at what our children are seeing in our Country.  We have a President who uses Twitter to bully people and he calls people names in his speeches such as saying Representative Maxine Walters has a very low IQ.  The response is well that is how he acts.  If he can use that excuse why can’t children.  The children and teenagers I see for psychotherapy are using the President’s behavior as an excuse.

However, look at the price children are paying.  Bullying and cyber bullying are at epidemic levels.  It is also not uncommon for children to be physically hurt or commit suicide when they are being bullied.  We have become so accustomed to these suicides and kids being hurt physically that the two stories I provided a link to barely made the news and were accepted as the new norm.  This is very sad if we will allow this to be the new norm for children.

Additionally, we know that children who are bullied are more likely to have mental health problems as adults and more likely to commit suicide as adults.  So the problem does not end as these children grow up, it follows them their entire lives.  I have seen this in my office.  I have students in college or seniors in high school who are in therapy for bullying that occurred in the first grade.

I am not sure what the answer is to this problem.  However, if we accept this as the new norm it will never change.  If we allow people like the President to call people names on Twitter and in public and accept it, the problem will never end.  How can you tell a child not to bully someone when the President does it daily and children are aware of his behavior.  They use his behavior as an excuse all the time, when I am discussing their poor behavior.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience specializing in treating children and teenagers.  For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Preparing for the School Year When You have ADHD

As a psychotherapist who work with children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), I have heard how happy they are during summer or on school holidays.  They feel they can relax and enjoy life.  There is no worry about homework or having to follow directions at school.  Also at home life is much easier.  Their parents are not telling them they need to do homework and there are less arguments at home.  I have heard parents tell me the same story.  Parents who have children with ADHD find summer to be less stressful and they find the school year to be a series of struggles and arguments over school.

While this is the common experience, it does not have to be.  If parents and the child with ADHD discuss the school before it starts or at least before the child has homework on a regular basis, the school year can be less stressful.  Dr. Robert Meyer wrote an article where he also suggests if the family with an ADHD child develops a game plan regarding how they will handle school, the school year does not have to be so stressful.  This is the same approach I suggest and use with the children I work with who have ADHD.  Therefore, I will list the steps parents can take to develop a game plan with their child and therefore reduce the stress associated with the school year.

1. Set Goals for the Year

Setting some reasonable goals for the school year sets the tone and gives clear expectations that can lead to a successful academic year. Goals could revolve around completing assignments and turning them in, getting ready for school on time, good reports on behavior at school, and getting to bed on time. Each family will have their own views on what is important; meet as a family to work these out. It works well when all children in the family have their own unique list of goals. You might also have a goal related to all of the children being able to get along without fighting.

Rewards

Goals are great, but motivation for achieving goals is enhanced by the anticipation of rewards. Reward and celebrate meeting goals. Remember that rewards can come in all forms. Staying up late on the weekend could be a reward for going to bed on time. Extra time for media use (video game, iPod, computer, TV, etc) could be a reward for getting homework done well and on time. Whichever child is ready for school first could earn “shot gun” in the car on the way to school if you’re driving. Be creative.

Think about a special outing or some other reward for a good report card each quarter. Start with average marks. If that is reached, look for slight improvement from one marking period to the next. The key is making sure the goal is reasonable and obtainable.

Praise and Encouragement

In addition to rewards, provide praise and encouragement. Teach your child how to feel good about achievement on his or her own. When success is not achieved, be their coach and teach or re–teach strategies and behaviors that can increase the likelihood of success. It’s been shown in studies that ADD and ADHD kids respond much better to positive reinforcement than to criticism, so try to play to their strengths and catch them being good and remark on it whenever possible.

2. Agree on Morning and Afternoon Routines

Getting the day off to a good start can set the tone for the day for the whole family. At a family meeting, discuss when everyone needs to be out the door. List all the things that need to take place to make this happen, then figure out how much time each task will take. From there, determine a schedule and what time each person needs to get out of bed. Once you have a plan, give it a dry run to see if it is workable. You could use a stopwatch to see if the goal can be met. Make any necessary adjustments and then post the schedule so everyone can see it. Consider a once–a–week family activity to celebrate if you are successful for a week. (If you are successful for a few weeks, you could space out the celebrations to once a month.)

Other things to consider might include selecting clothes for the next day before going to bed, making sure everything is in each kid’s backpack and putting the backpacks right by the door.

Afternoons can include after–school activities, chores, homework, play time, computer time, reading, evening meal and getting ready for bed. While mornings are usually the same from day–to–day, you may have to make a schedule that varies for each day of the week. Again, get input from the family and revise as needed.

Family mealtime has been found to very beneficial to all members of the family. Try to schedule the evening meal so everyone can sit around the table (no TV) and interact with each other. Start using the “roses and thorns” approach to encourage interaction. Each family member shares one positive experience (rose) and one not so positive experience (thorn) when it is their “turn” to share.

3. Meet with Your Child’s Teacher

Make arrangements to meet with your child’s teacher as soon as possible. If your child has an IEP or a 504 plan then you can meet to discuss how you can best work with the teacher to implement the plan in their classroom. If the school is not aware of your child’s ADD or ADHD, just meet as an interested parent first.

During the meeting, find out about any major projects or other assignments that are coming up during the year. Learn about the teacher’s expectation for homework. Find out how you can communicate with the teacher to keep track of completed and outstanding assignments. Showing that you are interested and want to play an active, supportive role can form a relationship that can help keep your child on track and make it easier to work out problems if the need arises.

4. Set up a Study Schedule

Once you know what to expect for homework, you can work with your child to establish a homework routine that works for all concerned. Decide if your child will have free time before homework. Agree to the time homework should begin and a schedule for completing daily or weekly assignments for each subject as well as a plan to complete any larger projects. If your child has a lot of homework, you may want to schedule some brief breaks in between subjects.

Decide how you will be involved as far as checking for accuracy and completeness. Develop a system that works for you for keeping track of assignments and their completion. Some parents use a notebook or have a chart where they check off each assignment. Also, develop a system to help your child remember to turn in the completed assignments. It’s not unusual for ADHD kids to complete assignments and then forget to turn them in.

5. Schedule Daily “Fun Time” with Your Child

I know that parents are very busy and spend a lot of time helping and taking care of their children in addition to working and running a household. I know that some days you may feel depleted and/or defeated. From time to time your child most likely feels the same way.

In my 30 years of practice as a child psychologist, I have always recommended that parents take a few minutes out of the day (10–20) to make time to do something fun with their children. Find out what your child likes as well as suggest new things they might come to enjoy as well. Playing a short game, making something together, reading a story, going for a walk, tossing a ball or Frisbee in the backyard or at the park—and anything else that works for you and your child and family—will strengthen the bond. When your children are close in age, spending time  together is great, but from time–to–time also make time for one–to–one as well.

Confront Your Fears

The start of the school year doesn’t have to be a time of dread. Anxiety is our reaction to fear. In this case there is the fear of the unknown (How will things go?) as well as a fear of the past (Will there be a repeat of previous school year experiences?). The best way to handle anxiety is to confront the fearful situation and develop a plan to handle it in a way that will result in a positive outcome. Then stick to the plan, revising only when necessary.

Take One Day at a Time

Finally, take one day at a time. Take time for yourself to relax during the day and appreciate the small, good moments whenever possible. This recharges your battery and restarts your brain—and helps you find renewed joy in your child, in being a parent and in life in general.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  If you would like more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3. 

Teaching Teenagers to be Respectful

As a psychotherapist who works with teenagers, the question about getting teens to act respectful is a common question.  Parents would like more respect, however, they are also very concerned how their teenager will treat teachers and other adults.  Given today’s climate, where teenagers see the President acting disrespectfully to people daily on the news and Twitter with no consequences, the issue of respect has become more of a concern for parents.  It is more of a concern because many teens feel they do not have to be respectful if adults are not acting respectfully.  I have had teens tell me this and I agree that some adults are acting very disrespectful, but that does not give them permission to be disrespectful.

When parents ask me about respect, I tell them to start setting rules regarding respectful behavior with their children as soon as they are born.  The earlier you start the more likely your teenager will act respectfully to others.  I also remind parents that they must follow the guidelines they are setting for their children.  Parents are role models and if you are not acting respectfully and consistently, your teenager will not respect your authority.

James Lehman, MSW approaches respect the same way that I approach it.  I saw how he broke down the issues involved with teenagers being respectful so the topic is easier to understand and I am going to do the same thing.

1. Remember, Your Child Is Not Your Friend

It’s not about your child liking you or even thanking you for what you do. It’s important to remember that your child is not your friend—he’s your child. Your job is to coach him to be able to function in the world. This means teaching him to behave respectfully to others, not just you. When you think your child might be crossing the line, a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “Would I let the neighbor say these things to me? Would I let a stranger?” If the answer is no, don’t let your child do it, either. Someday when your child becomes an adult, your relationship may become more of a friendship, but for now, it’s your job to be his parent: his teacher, coach and limit setter—not the buddy who lets him get away with things.

2. Catch Disrespect Early and Plan Ahead If You Can

It’s good to catch disrespectful behavior early if possible. If your child is rude or disrespectful, don’t turn a blind eye. Intervene and say, “We don’t talk to each other that way in this family.” Giving consequences when your kids are younger is going to pay off in the long run. It’s really important as a parent if you see your child being disrespectful to admit it and then try to nip it in the bud. Also, if your child is about to enter the teen years (or another potentially difficult phase) think about the future. Some parents I know are already planning how they will address behavior as their ADD daughter (who is now 11) becomes a teenager. They’re learning skills to prepare for their interactions with her at a later time. This can only help them as they move forward together as a family.

3. Get in Alignment with Your Mate

It’s so important for you and your mate to be on the same page when it comes to your child’s behavior. Make sure one of you isn’t allowing the disrespectful behavior while the other is trying to intercede. Sit down together and talk about what your bottom lines are, and then come up with a plan of action—and a list of consequences you might give—if your child breaks the rules.

4. Teach Your Child Basic Social Interaction Skills

It may sound old fashioned, but it’s very important to teach your child basic manners like saying “please” and “thank you.” When your child deals with her teachers in school or gets her first job and has these skills to fall back on, it will really go a long way. Understand that using manners—just a simple “excuse me” or “thank you”—is also a form of empathy. It teaches your kids to respect others and acknowledge their impact on other people. When you think about it, disrespectful behavior is the opposite, negative side of being empathetic and having good manners.

5. Be Respectful When You Correct Your Child

When your child is being disrespectful, you as a parent need to correct them in a respectful manner. Yelling and getting upset and having your own attitude in response to theirs is not helpful and often only escalates behavior. The truth is, if you allow their disrespectful behavior to affect you, it’s difficult to be an effective teacher in that moment. You can pull your child aside and give them a clear message, for example. You don’t need to shout at them or embarrass them. One of our friends was excellent at this particular parenting skill. He would pull his kids aside, say something quietly (I usually had no idea what it was), and it usually changed their behavior immediately. Use these incidents as teachable moments by pulling your kids aside calmly, making your expectations firm and clear, and following through with consequences if necessary.

6. Try to Set Realistic Expectations for Your Kids Around Their Behavior

This may actually mean that you need to lower your expectations. Don’t plan a huge road trip with your kids, for example, if they don’t like to ride in the car. If your child has trouble in large groups and you plan an event for 30 people, you’re likely to set everyone up for disappointment and probably an argument!

If you are setting realistic expectations and you still think there might be some acting-out behaviors that crop up, set limits beforehand. For example, if you’re going to go out to dinner, be clear with your kids about what you expect of them. This will not only help the behavior but in some ways will help them feel safer. They will understand what is expected of them and will know what the consequences will be if they don’t meet those expectations. If they meet your goals, certainly give them credit, but also if they don’t, follow through on whatever consequences you’ve set up for them.

7. Clarify the Limits When Things Are Calm

When you’re in a situation where your child is disrespectful, that’s not the ideal time to do a lot of talking about limits or consequences. At a later time, you can talk with your child about his behavior and what your expectations are.

8. Talk About What Happened Afterward

If your child is disrespectful or rude, talk about what happened (later, when things are calm) and how it could have been dealt with differently. That’s a chance for you, as a parent, to listen to your child and hear what was going on with her when that behavior happened. Try to stay objective. You can say, “Pretend a video camera recorded the whole thing. What would I see?” This is also a perfect time to have your child describe what she could have done differently.

9. Don’t Take It Personally

One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is to take their child’s behavior personally. The truth is, you should never fall into that trap because the teenager next door is doing the same thing to his parents, and your cousin’s daughter is doing the same thing to her parents. Your role is to just deal with your child’s behavior as objectively as possible.

When parents don’t have effective ways to deal with these kinds of things, they may feel out of control and get scared—and often overreact or under react to the situation. When they overreact, they become too rigid, and when they under react, they ignore the behavior or tell themselves it’s “just a phase.” Either way, it won’t help your child learn to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and it won’t teach him to be more respectful.

Understand that if you haven’t been able to intervene early with your kids, you can start at any time. Even if your child is constantly exhibiting disrespectful behavior, you can begin stepping in and setting those clear limits. Kids really do want limits, even if they protest loudly—and they will. The message that they get when you step in and set limits is that they’re cared about, they’re loved and that you really want them to be successful and able to function well in the world. Many teenagers complain that their parents do not set rules for them and they are upset.  Besides making them feel loved, your rules help them make the right choices for themselves when they are facing issues such as drugs.  Our kids won’t thank us now, but that’s okay—it’s not about getting them to thank us, it’s about doing the right thing.  Hopefully, you find these suggestions helpful.  If you want me to explain more or if you have concerns regarding a different topic, please leave a comment.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience as a psychotherapist treating children and teenagers.  For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.