Parenting a Teenager who is Oppositional

I work with many children and teenagers who have oppositional behavior and many who are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Behavior.  The parents of these children have a common struggle.  The struggle is a struggle for control and how much they should try to control their child.  This is a difficult issue because our society doesn’t discuss this issue and tends to blame the parents for their child’s behavior.  James Lehman, MSW, has researched this issue and has come to the same conclusion.  He uses similar techniques and I have included some of his information too. In order to understand this issue, let’s explore it.

Pressure from Society

Let’s face it, our society puts two competing messages out there. On the one hand, there’s a high value placed on individuality and standing out from the crowd. Yet on the other hand, when our young people do make choices that aren’t consistent with the norm, there’s often a backlash and pressure to conform. And when a child or teen refuses to conform, the pressure is put on parents to make the child follow the path others believe is the right one.

Fear

Parents at times are terrified of what will happen if they don’t control their kids. What if she makes bad decisions? What will happen to my child? Will she survive?

But think back to your own childhood. We all had to learn some life lessons along the way. Some made us stronger. Some left scars. But we learned and we survived.

But for some reason, we believe our kids will surely meet with disaster. We picture our child heading a hundred miles an hour down the wrong road (one that’s a dead end ) and we’re standing in front of her, terrified and trying to save her from herself.

To Win the Tug-of-War

Sometimes we find ourselves in a dispute with our child and, before we know it, we’re in a full-blown battle of wills. And we become determined to win.

It’s not something we recognize consciously, but underneath our own actions is the belief that to let go of control is to give in to our child. We continue to act in an effort to gain control over our child’s behavior. And he becomes just as determined to keep that control.

Who’s going to win in the end? No one. But our child will have the ultimate control over his behavior. Why? Because he physically has control over his own body, his own actions, and his own thoughts.

It’s Human Nature

Take a day and pay attention to the idea of control as it relates to yourself and those around you. Listen to conversations. How often do you advise people on what they should do? How frequently do others share their suggestions on what you should do? How often do we hear this in the media? Do this. Don’t do that. It’s everywhere.

Most of us know an Aunt Edna who just loves to tell people how things should be. It’s human nature to try and direct things. Often we truly believe we know what’s best for that other person and maybe we do. But maybe we don’t.

Parents often believe it’s our role—indeed, our responsibility—to control our children. But, unless you use physical force, it’s impossible to control another human being unless they allow you to do so.

You can threaten, bribe, reward, beg, guilt and shame that other person into doing what you believe is best. However, the only way to influence another person’s behavior is if they allow you to influence it. It doesn’t matter whether they’re eight, eighteen or eighty years old.

Giving Up the Need to Control Doesn’t Mean You’re Giving In

In reality, once we let go of trying to control our child’s behavior and choices, we actually gain much more power. Fighting every day with someone whose main purpose is to avoid being controlled will leave you feeling exhausted, angry, frustrated, embarrassed and ashamed.

In contrast, putting energy into what you can control leaves you feeling empowered, confident and stronger. Believe it or not, there’s actually more you can control than can’t. If you feel out of control, you’re probably trying to control the wrong things!

It’s our job as parents to provide an environment that allows our child to learn lessons that will prepare him for the world. To prepare him not only to survive, but to thrive. Everything we do as parents comes back to this guiding principle.

We control providing food, clothing, and shelter to our child. We control whether or not we show our child how to cope and deal with conflict, adversity, and life’s challenges. And we control whether or not we allow him to experience consequences for the choices he makes. However, whether or not that child chooses to learn from those life lessons to is ultimately up to him.

5 Things You Can and Can’t Control as a Parent

1. Expectations

You can control whether or not your child knows what your expectations are.

“Johnny, my expectation is that you will handle your anger without physical violence.”

2. Opportunities

You can control whether or not you give your child the opportunity to meet expectations.

“Johnny, if you find you’re getting angry, it’s okay to walk away, go listen to music, talk to your friend on the phone to blow off steam, whatever will help you release some of that anger and we can talk again later.”

3. Consequences

You can control whether or not your child knows what the potential consequences will be if he chooses not to meet your expectation.

“Johnny, you’re fifteen years old. If you hit me when you’re angry, that’s domestic violence. If it happens again, I will call the police. I would hate to see that happen, so I hope you choose to handle your anger without getting physical.”

4. Your Own Behavior

You can control your own behavior. When you get angry, you can model for your child how to cope effectively without using physical violence. You can walk away or practice other effective coping skills when you get angry yourself.

5. Your Child’s Behavior

You can NOT control your child’s behavior. You can’t control whether or not he behaves in a physically aggressive way when he’s angry. Your power does not lie in the arguing, defending, and power struggles that tend to go hand-in-hand with attempts to control an ODD child.

Instead, your power lies in what you can control—your own behavior. Just as you can’t control your child, he can’t control you either. Some days it may feel like he can. But he can’t.

Easier Said Than Done

We know some people will read this article and think, “Parents should control their children.” It’s tempting to judge parents of ODD children on what they should and shouldn’t do.

But until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, it’s difficult to know the pain and shame that comes from parenting a child who simply will not be controlled.

For ODD children, being controlled feels as if they’re drowning. They will fight tooth and nail to keep control, arguing and outright refusing to comply with an authority figure’s directives.

We can spend time as a society judging that child and talking about how they ought to behave. Or we can accept that our world has always had rebels—those who will take the path less traveled, even if it’s a path filled with bumps and potholes. And we can support the parents of those individuals in their own journey, without blame or shame.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  He does specialize in treating children and teens who have ODD and ADHD.  For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3. 

Bullying in the 21st Century

Many kids, despite what they say, really enjoy school. They like seeing their friends, their teachers and learning. However, some kids are not as excited and even worried about going to school.  Many of these kids have been bullied and they are afraid of being bullied again.  October is National Bully Awareness month and these article will provide you with information you need to protect your child from being bullied.  Hopefully, we may even be able to stop bullying.

Often when a child is being bullied they do not say anything to their parents until the bullying is really bad. They are afraid, especially boys, that you will see them as weak.  They are also afraid that you will be disappointed in them for not defending themselves.  Parents you have not said anything or done anything to create this feeling in your child.  Our society teaches children these messages, especially boys. Children receive these messages from television, music, video games about being strong and defending yourself.  This is what the documentary "The Mask You Live In", is trying to address.  It is on Netflix and it might be helpful if you watch it.

It is very important to take bullying very seriously these days.  It is no longer just one kid calling another kid names.  The bullying today occurs at school and may include threats of being killed and it goes beyond school.  Now bullies can continue their bullying via text messages, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat.  So the bullying becomes non-stop.  It can really make someone feel worthless and that they would be better off dead. We have an example of this from a 13 year old boy, on the east coast, who committed suicide because he could not tolerate the bullying any longer.  The boy committed suicide to escape the bullying.  He is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying.  One 15 year old girl committed suicide due to bullying and she left a note to be placed in her obituary.  In the note she asked kids to be kind to each other.  Some kids are turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and we are seeing a significant number of accidental overdosages resulting in teenagers’ deaths.  We assume they were accidents, they could also be suicides staged to look like accidents.

Bullying is not just an elementary school issue. It occurs in High School and College too. Remember a few years back a college student committed suicide because his roommate secretly filmed him in his dorm room with another guy having sex. When the tape was posted on the college’s email for others to see, the boy was so ashamed because he had not made it publicly known that he was gay. He did not know what to do and ended up committing suicide.

As the rates for bullying, suicide and drug use increase with kids in middle school and now beginning in Elementary school, we must take this issue seriously.  I know it is now a very serious problem in Elementary schools because the third leading cause of death for 10 year old children is suicide according to the CDC statistics.

Also a common problem I see elementary children for in psychotherapy is bullying.  Many of these children are embarrassed because they feel they should be able to stop the bullying.  They are also embarrassed and often don't want me to tell their parents because they believe they must of done something to deserve being bullied.  I explain to them they do not deserve it and they should not have to stop it on their own. I also explain that their parents would want to know so they can help them.  I need to emphasize that Mom and Dad won't blame you or be ashamed of you.  It is amazing to see how relaxed these children become when I tell them this about their parents.

What should a parent do?  One thing is parents should watch for the following warning signs that your child is a victim of a bully:

Avoiding activities they used to enjoy

Loss of friends or avoiding social situations

Problems sleeping

Complaining of stomachaches or headaches

Loss of appetite

Declining grades

Missing or damaged clothing or belongings

Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home

If you notice any of these or just have a sense something is wrong then talk to your child.  However, when you talk to your child reassure them they did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with them and you are not upset or disappointed with them.  Try to develop a game plan of how you are going to deal with it together and ask how you can be supportive.  Also ask your child to promise you if they feel really sad like they want to hurt themselves that they will talk to you before they do anything.  You may think this is ridiculous, but I use a no suicide contract with many children that I work with and they honor it.  The contract lets them you know that you care about them.

The other thing you can do as a parent is go to your child's school and ask what is the school's policy on bullying.  You can also ask how the school watches for bullying, how is the policy enforced and what is being done to prevent bullying.  You may ask the school to contact or you can volunteer to contact a group such as Challenge Day.  This is an international organization that addresses bullying and they are located in Concord.  I have seen their work and it is fantastic and kids love it.

Another thing you can do as a parent is start talking to your child about bullying on an occasional basis.  This gives you a chance to let them know it's not their fault and to develop a plan of action if it does occur.  You should also discuss drugs and alcohol at the same time. I work with kids all day long and at times I am still shocked at how young kids are when they are starting to get involved with drugs and alcohol.

Keeping an open line of communication with your child is very important if you want them to come to you.  Research still indicates that children are more likely to turn to their friends when they have a problem.  This is good that they have this emotional support, but their friends don't have the answers or solutions that they need.  Remember it is best to speak to your child when you are in a calm environment and no one else, such as brothers or sisters, are around.  Also remember the word HALT.  It stands for:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

If you sense your child is experiencing any of these feelings it is not a good time to talk.  When you talk with your child you want it to be productive and for your child to feel like they are not being judged.  Therefore, sometimes it is better to put off a conversation so you don't end up in an argument. This is more likely to close the line of communication with your child.

I have mentioned several times that being bullied is not their fault.  What I have seen from working with children who are bullies, abusive men and reviewing the research is that bullies really have very low self-esteem.  In fact many times they lack a sense of themselves.  The only way the feel important or alive is by putting someone else down.  They do this because they are afraid the other kids might be able to figure out how lousy they feel about themselves.  It is often said the best defense is a good offense.  They hope that by acting like the big guy on campus that other people will see them as the big guy and they are able to keep their secret.  Kids usually do this because it was done to them too.

Therefore, we need to remember the bully is usually a kid who has been abused too and is crying out for help.  If we are going to stop the problem of bullying we need programs to help the bullies too.  They are only repeating what they have been taught.

One last comment, I saw a school install a “buddy bench.”  If anyone had been bullied, having a bad day, feeling lonely, all they had to do was sit on the buddy bench.  Another student or teacher would then go over and ask how they could help.  There was no shame associated if you sat on the buddy bench.  It was presented as a brave choice. The school was using it as part of their program to stop bullying at school. This fantastic idea came from a 10 year old student.  Children often have fantastic answers and we need to listen.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children and teenagers. He has over 20 years experience working with children and teens especially those who are victims of trauma.  For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Helping Children Cope with the Current Bomb Situation

This week children have been hearing about how bombs were delivered in the mail to former Presidents Obama and Clinton and others as well.  In addition to hearing about this incident of domestic terrorism, they have also been hearing about school shootings such as the school shooting in Parkland, Florida where 17 students were killed.  Additionally, in June of this year, students heard how someone had threatened to go Valley View Middle School and kill at least 30 students.  So students who were use to these school shootings occurring typically thousands of miles away from us, now could happen in our area based on the threat made on 6/5/18.  This made many students very anxious that the horrific events they have been hearing about could actually happen here and to them.  Now this week they are hearing someone is mailing bombs and for people to be aware of their surroundings because we don’t know if it is over or will more bombs be mailed.  Also they are hearing that a bomb was mailed to a Congresswoman in California.  When you combine these recent events with the number of school shootings which have occurred and it’s no surprise that children are anxious about their safety and their parents safety. and today there was another school shooting. I have been seeing more and more children and teenagers who are complaining of anxiety and depression.  Many of these children and teenagers are also afraid to go to school too.  I have also been seeing more children and  teenagers being placed on home/hospital for school. This means a teacher comes to the house once a week instead of the child or teenager going to school because they are too afraid of being shot at school.  This is an alarming trend.

I have also been hearing more teenagers talking about needing to carry a knife with them for their own safety. They tell me you never know when someone might try to attack you.  These are not juvenile delinquents or gang members, these are average teenagers.  They come from healthy families and are doing well in school and not involved in drugs. This need they feel to protect themselves is an alarming trend.  However, the teenagers are saying they do not feel safe at school and now the incident with the bombs in the mail is exacerbating their anxiety significantly.

However, if you take a step back and look at what these children have seen over their lives it makes sense.  Most of these children and teenagers were very young on 9/11, or were not even born yet, when the United States was attacked.  Since 9/11 they have also seen two wars and heard on the nightly news about numerous terrorist alerts or attacks around the world and here in the United States.  They also hear how the TSA are putting tighter security on travelers and places such as Disneyland are increasing security due to concerns about terrorism.

And now, children and teenagers are hearing how numerous bombs were mailed to people yesterday.  These also are hearing that we do not know who did it and there is a strong possibility that there are more bombs out there and one of the bombs may explode and kill people. 

Teenagers and parents have been asking Congress for sane gun laws so they can go to school safety.  However, their requests have been ignored and school shootings continue.  Therefore, many children and teenagers do not feel safe at school.  Furthermore, the President is blaming the bombing situation on the press and not doing anything to stop it.  In fact, the Time Warner building in New York City is being evacuated again tonight due to a suspicious backpack.  Families were at restaurants having dinner and had to immediately evacuate.  This current bomb threat only serves to add to the anxiety that children and teenagers are feeling.  They do not feel safe at school, restaurants and are anxious about what may be in the mail.  Is their mother or father going to go to work and be killed by a bomb that was delivered to the building they work in. 

In addition to terrorism and bombs, we need to remember this is the first generation growing up with mass shootings.  According to ABC News from 2000 to 2015 there have been 140 mass shootings and since January 1, 2016, there have been more mass shootings than the previous 15 years combined.  According to the statistics on mass shootings every day 36 people are killed in the United States by a gun. This does not include suicides.  For the group we are discussing, suicide is the third leading cause of death for children between 10 and 18 years old and using a gun is one of the most popular methods of suicide.  Also because of school shootings, students have seen increased security on their school campuses.  Many campuses have metal  detectors that students have to pass through as the enter the campus and there are police officers assigned to school sites due to the fear of violence.

  

Now, in addition to these facts stated above, think about what these children see on the news nightly and the video games they play daily.  Anytime there is a shootings incident in the United States, or any where in the world, there is pretty much 24 hour news coverage of the event for days.  Now with the bombs that are being mailed, children are hearing that we have no answers and that there are more bombs out there and one may explode and kill people.  The evacuation of the Time Warner building in New York City again tonight supports this fact that there are more bombs and we do not have the situation under control.  Furthermore, if we look at the video games these kids are playing most have to do with killing and death.  And since computer graphics have significantly improved, many of these games look very realistic.  Therefore, the video games children and teens are playing are adding to their anxiety or worse desensitizing children and teens to violence and death.

As a psychotherapist, I am hearing children in the fourth and fifth grades telling me they are worried about our election results.  They have heard what the President has said and they are afraid about other countries attacking us or that the President may start a war.  Also Hispanic children who are legal citizens are afraid that they will be deported.  This is a great deal for a nine or ten year old child to worry about.

Looking at all of this it begins to make sense why I am seeing more depressed and anxious teenagers who fear for their lives.  These teenagers are being traumatized by daily events occurring in our country.  They may not be experiencing the trauma personally but they are experiencing vicarious trauma.  With all of the pictures on television and news reports and realistic video games these teenagers are playing, they are being traumatized vicariously.  We have never had a generation of children grow up with the amount of trauma that these children are growing up with in the world.  Even children growing up during World War II didn't experience this amount of trauma.  We didn't have instant access to news nor did we have the graphic videos being shown by the news media.

The question now becomes, what do we do?  Well we can not change the world unfortunately. However, we can monitor how much exposure our children are receiving to information about the current bombing situation and mass shootings when they occur.  We can monitor the video games they are playing and limit access to games that focus on violence and killing.  We can demand that the Congress pass gun control laws that make sense.  No one needs an assault weapon to hunt a deer.  We can also listen to what our children are saying and talk to them about their concerns.  We can explain that at Dad’s office or Mom’s office, they are taking extra precautions to make sure their mail is safe. When a mass shooting occurs we can ask them how they are feeling, ask if they have any concerns and reassure them that you are there as their parents to protect them.  Also try to become active by looking at sites by the Red Cross.  Making a donation helps children to feel there is something they can do instead of just being a victim.

Finally, if you start to notice a change of attitude in your child that you are concerned about have  your child assessed by a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children dealing with trauma.  I have included a link to an article by the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry which describes what parents can do http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Talking-To-Children-About-Terrorism-And-War-087.aspx.  There is nothing to be ashamed of if a child needs therapy.  We are exposing children to situations that most adults have problems dealing with themselves. You may find it very upsetting to talk to your child about these incidents.  For these reasons and many more, if you feel your teenager has been traumatized vicariously make an appointment with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers and victims of trauma.  Our kids have had to deal with a lot. We can help make it easier for them growing up in this time by providing the help they need.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and is an expert treating victims of trauma and also performs Critical Incident Debriefing. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com  or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

My Child Does Not Understand Social Situations, Why?

Kids learn to get a majority of the information about their current social situation by reading people’s facial expressions and body language. This starts when they are infants and continues well on into adulthood. In one study, it was determined that more than 70 percent of a child’s perceptions comes from the looks they see on other people’s faces.

However, not every child develops the ability to read social cues. Often, problems emerge for kids who have diagnosed or undiagnosed learning disabilities or behavioral problems that interfere with their developing the ability to accurately read social situations.  Some of these children are on the autism spectrum, some may be oppositional defiant and some we just don’t know why they don’t develop this skill. These kids simply don’t develop the skills to read social situations in the same way that other kids do.

And the misreading of these cues becomes one of the triggers for a lot of the behavioral problems that you see later on. That’s because they’re not getting the same information that the other kids are receiving. Don’t forget, a learning disability is an immature or malfunctioning part of a child’s neurological system. So the same data goes in, but the same solution—or behavior—does not come out.

For kids who have a hard time reading social situations and who tend to act or behave inappropriately, it’s vital that you work on it with them as a parent. If your child lacks these social skills, the good news is that this problem can be fixed. I often work with children in psychotherapy to help them learn why it’s important to understand social cues and help them learn how to read cues.  If they do not understand why it is important, they will not be motivated to try.

While researching how to help children learn how to read social cues, I read some research by James Lehman, MSW.  I like his research because he has the same beliefs that I do and takes the same approach.

Below are some ideas that parents can try with their child to help them learn how to read and understand social cues.

7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn How to Read Social Cues

1. Use Photos to Help Kids Learn Emotions

For younger kids and pre-teens I recommend that you look at pictures of people online with your child. As they look at pictures, ask them to tell you what each person is feeling or thinking by the look on their face.

You can start to train your child that certain looks are connected to certain emotions. You can start to say things like:

“How do you think that person is feeling?”

They might say “Happy.” And you can say:

“Well, I think they’re kind of confused. You see those little lines above their eyes, the way they’re squinting like that. People do that when they’re trying to understand something.”

Teach your child what different looks mean: happy, confused, angry. Practice with them—and when I say practice, I mean repetition and rehearsal. These things have to be ingrained in kids by practicing it as much as possible because that is the most effective way for them to learn.  You can also by a feeling chart which has faces with various emotions so they can practice on their own.

For older kids, remember that your child’s willingness to do this exercise is key. If they’re not willing to do this with you, then forget about it. If they are, sit down with them and look at pictures of teenagers and adults. Have them make up stories about certain faces: show them a picture and ask them to tell you a one-paragraph story about the person. You can also watch a movie together and talk about the characters’ emotions. You can try using a reward in order to get them to work with you on this.

By the way, I’m pretty frank with adolescents when it comes to their inability to read social situations. They don’t like that because they don’t want you to notice any deficit in their personality at all. The key is to associate your comments with something observable and realistic.

I usually say something like this:

“Look Tommy, part of your problem is that when you look at a situation, you don’t see it the same way that most other kids and adults do. When the other kids look at the teacher and the teacher says ‘sit down,’ they all sit down. What they see is a situation where they have to comply. What you see is a situation where you don’t necessarily have to do anything—that it’s up to you. But that’s not accurate, and that’s why you keep getting into trouble at school.”

I follow that up by saying:

“Tommy, if you can work on this with me, the misunderstanding like the one you had with your teacher today never needs to happen again.”

I make it “right size” for the child, not something so huge he can’t tackle, and I put it in terms of his best interests:

“You’ll never have to go through this again after you learn how to do it the right way.”

For most kids, it’s a huge relief.

2. Use Narratives and Roleplays

For younger kids, a good technique is to do a narrative with them. You can say:

“I’m going to walk into the store and I’m going to talk nicely to the sales lady because I want her to be helpful. And even though I might get frustrated if I don’t get the right size, I’m not going to talk to her like I’m angry. I’m going to talk to her respectfully. In the situations where I want somebody to do something for me, the best thing I can do is be polite and respectful.”

And then you role play it with them. You definitely, definitely have to role play—and role model—appropriately with these kids.

For older kids and teens you can do role plays too. As a therapist, I would have them walk into my office four or five times in a row. Just go out and walk right back in. Here’s how to enter a classroom and sit down without aggravating the teacher and getting in trouble.

They’d walk in and I’d say, “Hey, Charlie, how’s it going?” And if they responded inappropriately to me, I’d say, “Wrong. Go back out.” They’d try again and I’d say, “Hey Charlie, how’s it going?” All they needed to do was wave and sit down.

If they said anything rude, it was over. They thought this exercise was silly, but they did it. When they got it right, I’d say:

“Good, that’s the way you do it. Why don’t you try that in class?”

3. Break It Down into Bite-Sized Pieces

Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for all kids. That’s why I recommend that parents use “discrete learning.” That means you break down whatever you’re working on into individual little pieces.

So you can say:

“Today, when we go into the store I want you to try this skill: smile a lot and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.'”

Limit it to one skill or one situation at a time. Be sure to point out the results later.

“Did you see how the waitress smiled back at you and brought you extra fries because you were so polite to her?”

Always tell kids when what they are doing is working. It gives them an incentive to keep trying, just like it does with adults.

4. “Let’s Try an Experiment…”

Another thing you can say to your child is:

“Let’s try an experiment. Why don’t you try this today and see what happens.”

It could be raising their hand before they talk in school or saying “hello” to the teacher when they walk into class. You could also say:

“What would you like to happen today with this person?”

And then role-play how they can make that happen. Connect the new behavior to real things in your child’s life. But again, do it discretely. One thing at a time, one person at a time, one situation at a time, one class at a time.

5. Work with Your Kids: Teach and Coach Them Forward

Social skills are one of the areas where the teaching and coaching roles become very important for parents. Remember, when you take on the teaching role, what you’re really doing is helping your child to learn new skills.

I think it’s okay to say:

“People don’t respond well to you when you ______. “

And then fill in the blank. But that has to be coupled with:

“Why don’t you try _______, instead. Here, let me show you.”

Do a little interview with a short discussion:

“Well, you know, teachers don’t like it when you talk out of turn in class, Maddy. That’s why you got detention. What do you think you can do differently the next time you want to talk out of turn? What can you do to remind yourself that you can’t do that?”

And see what she says. Here’s the key: the next day before school, take your child aside and say and remind her about her plan:

“Remember what you said you were going to do differently today? When the teacher says, ‘Time to take out your books,’ you are going to stop talking to Riley and Jenna and you’re going to listen so you don’t get detention again.”

6. Teach Your Child to “Check Out Perceptions”

It’s important for kids to be able to approach adults when they think they’re in trouble. They should be able to say, “Is something wrong?” or “Did I do something wrong?” When they think their teacher is frowning at them in class, it’s helpful for them to ask that teacher later, “Did I do something wrong today?”

It’s hard to do, but it’s a technique that will help them eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. One of the things that my son learned to say in our house was, “Are we okay?” or “Are you okay?”

After work, I’d be tired most days. And even though I was feeling pretty good, to my son, I looked grumpy and out of sorts. I taught him to ask me, “Are we okay, or did I do something wrong?” And I’d usually say, “Yeah, I’m doing fine, I’m just a little tired.”

We taught him to read us and if he didn’t know what was going on, he learned to check it out. This is very important for kids. The first place they’ll need to learn that skill is with their parents. Then need to learn to say “Is something wrong? Are we okay?”

And it’s important to answer that question because they could be reading disapproval on your face when you have a headache or are anxious about work. Kids personalize things, and from that personalization they learn “self-talk.”

“Self-talk” is how we talk to ourselves all day long. It’s the key to understanding so many behaviors, and the difference between thinking, “I can do this, it will be OK” versus “I’m stupid, they all hate me.” Kids can easily take something the wrong way, and then they start talking to themselves about it.

In the end, they might end up feeling like they can’t make anybody happy. So it’s very important for kids to learn how to check things out at home, especially if they have parents who are hard to read. And that’s certainly also true with teachers and other significant people in their lives.

7. For Kids Who Are Bullied

Although I think kids should learn how to deal with bullies and kids who pick on them, I also think it’s the school’s responsibility to protect kids while they’re in school. The techniques I’m sharing with you in this article are ways to help your child cope, but that does not relieve the school of the responsibility to make sure everybody is safe. As a parent, if your child is being bullied, do not hesitate to call the school. And if your child has been physically harmed, do not hesitate to call the police.

Learning social skills and social cues is especially critical for children who tend to be bullied. The first thing I say to kids who are bullied is:

“You’re not responsible. It’s not your fault. If somebody’s bullying you, they’re the problem.”

The best strategy they can use is called “avoid and escape.” You can break it down for them like this:

“Avoid the people who bully you and situations where you get bullied. If you find yourself in one, escape as soon as you can. Get out of there. You avoid the situation: don’t sit at that lunch table. Or you escape: don’t be the victim. Get up and go to another table.”

If there are unavoidable places your child has to go during the day, like the bathroom or locker room, tell them to get in and out as quickly as they can.

“You ignore the bullies or you try to avoid them. Get a pass from the teacher and go to the bathroom from class.”

Kids also need to learn positive self-talk. They need to be able to say, “This is not my problem. This is the bully’s problem.” And they need to be able to ask for help.

It’s a Solvable Problem

I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the keys. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing.

Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it. Don’t spend a lot of time on why they can’t read social situations well. I would tell kids:

“Not being able to read social situations happens to a lot of kids. That’s why they’re always in trouble. As you become an adult you learn to read this kind of thing better. And some people lag behind. It just doesn’t happen to them as quickly as other people, and that’s OK.”

Remember, if your child is behaving inappropriately, whether it’s a result of a missed social cue or not, you still have to hold him accountable, as well as teach the new skill. Once your child knows how they’re expected to behave, you have to make him responsible for his behavior. And if you can’t hold him responsible, his chances of fully learning the new skill go way down.

If you don’t hold your child accountable, he won’t have any reason to change. After all, you’re asking him to do something different, and “different” is usually perceived as “difficult.” People don’t like to change, so you have to stay on top of it and make sure your child is putting his learning into practice.  It can pay off.  I have worked with many kids in therapy who are having this problem and we have been able to help the majority of them increase their ability to read social cues significantly.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  Many of his patients are oppositional or on the Autistic Spectrum.  For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

The best reward for your child is that he will start to have more success with people in his life immediately and that will translate into better behavior all the way around.