Common Lies School Tell Parents about IEPs

It is the end of the school year and schools are starting to review and reassess children's IEPs (Individualized Educational Plan) or 504 plans.  I have been hearing from parents all over the country who are afraid about lies they are hearing at their child's school.  Many of these parents are panicked and overwhelmed.  They know their child needs help at school but they do not want to ruin their child's future.

The issue that parents are feeling confused about is should their child have an IEP or a 504 plan.  An IEP is for children who are having difficulty learning subjects in the classroom.  Not because they have low intelligence, because they have a different learning style. I have seen numerous parents and received numerous emails from parents stating their child's school has told them an IEP would mark their child for life as unintelligent  and possibly bankrupt the school district.  None of these remarks are true.

An IEP will not stop your child from getting into a college or getting a job.  Not having a decent education can stop your child from getting into college or getting a job.  Therefore, if your child needs an IEP and not a 504 Plan in order to benefit from their education, not having an IEP could stop your child from getting into college or a job because they failed to receive a proper education.  

Also think about when you applied for college or a job, did they ever ask for your middle school or elementary school records?  The answer is no.  Therefore, there is no way for a college or job to know if they ever had an IEP unless your child volunteers the information when they apply for college.  Once again, colleges and jobs never ask an applicant if they ever had an IEP.  Actually, an IEP can help students receive additional time taking the SAT and ACT and assist in college if they need it. So actually, it can help a child applying to college.

As for the idea that an IEP will bankrupt the school district, this is absurd. The school districts have plenty of money to provide children who need an IEP with an IEP.  A 504 plan costs the district nothing and if the district fails to comply with the 504 plan, you really have no legal recourse.  The IEP process is the same across the Country and if the school doesn't comply with the IEP, you have a number of options.

Parents before you panic or sign anything with the school district stop and think.  Look at the proposed plan and decide do you think this is really what your child needs or is the school bullying you into signing their proposed plan. If you have doubts, don't sign and seek a second opinion.  You are the one in charge.  The school district cannot do anything until you sign the agreement.  I have seen many parents made to feel guilty if they do not sign the school's plan.  You are not a bad parent, you are a cautious parent.  I have seen many schools doing what is best for them financially not what is best for your child.

For more information about IEPs and 504 plans visit the website www.lucascenter.org.

Dr. Michael Rubino has worked with children and families for over 20 years.  For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work or private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com

Suggestions to Make Visitation Easier

After a divorce there are still issues to address.  One of the major issues is child custody and visitation, especially exchanges for visitations.  The issues usually are addressed in the divorce settlement and the Court Mediation report.  However, even though the Mediation Agreement attempts to address these issues, there are usually still issues.

I have parents who are divorced come in very often arguing about issues that occur during  visitation exchanges.  A majority of times these issues are addressed by the Mediation Agreement.  However, many parents are still fighting with each other after their divorce is final.  Typically I see this when one or both parents are not ready to let go of each other yet.  Arguing over the visitation exchanges is a way to still keep them in contact with each other.  However, parents do not pay attention to the price the children are paying. By focusing on visitation exchanges this puts the children in the middle of the divorce.

By focusing on visitation and putting the children in the middle of the divorce, I see children who become depressed and anxious.  Often these children start acting out at school and home and their grades start to decline.  Also many of these children often start drinking or using marijuana so they can numb themselves out and ignore their parents' arguments.  Most of these children ask me, why can't they just stop fighting? They are already divorced, what else do they want?

Goldberg Jones is a very good divorce attorney who writes articles regarding issues related to divorce and how these issues impact the children and the family.  He wrote a very good article regarding visitation exchange issues.  I found the suggestions very good and helpful.  I would recommend that divorced parents read these ideas and try them.  Therefore, I have included them in this article for you to review and try.  You have nothing to lose by trying and you could help reduce the stress your children experience with visitation. You may also reduce your stress and frustration and allow yourself to let go of the marriage and move on with your life.

How often visitation issues occur often depends on the custody agreement, parenting plan, and level of visitation. It may be a couple of times a week, once a month, or around major holidays, but it’s likely going to be a repeating event.

In the best of times, even if both parents can be civil, custody exchanges will probably still be a little awkward. In less amicable scenarios, prepare for outward hostility that resembles the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan. Pack a helmet and prepare to duck.

In more combative circumstances, it helps to have a strategy in place to keep things civil. That’s easier on everyone, especially the kids. There are ways to cut down the amount of face time and limit the friction. It may never be easy or ideal, but it helps with stress level and peace of mind, for both the parents and the children—no kid wants to watch mom and dad fight.

1. CUSTODY EXCHANGES AT THE BABYSITTER’S

In contentious situations, the more you see your ex, the more potential there is for friction and conflict. Sometimes it’s simply best not to see each other if you can avoid it. There are practical ways to circumvent this. One common approach is to make custody exchanges at a babysitter’s house or at daycare.

One parent drops the kids off and the other parent picks them up. If you schedule it right, the two of you may almost never come face-to-face. Because there are other people involved, you may encounter scheduling hurdles. Clear communication about who is picking up the kids and when is key. But once you iron out the kinks, this strategy helps limit contact and potential fights.

2. CUSTODY EXCHANGES AT SCHOOL

Similar to using daycare to facilitate custody exchanges, you can use your child’s education to the same end. Again, one parent drops the kids off at school in the morning while the other picks them up after. This has the desired effect of not having to see your ex more than is absolutely necessary. It can be useful in situations where parents are prone to fighting.

Like with the child care, you’ll need to arrange this with school administrators. Schools like to know they’re handing kids over to right people. But if there is clear communication between all the involved parties, it’s possible to make these arrangements work.

3. CUSTODY EXCHANGES IN PUBLIC

Many people want to avoid causing a scene in public. If you and your ex can’t handle custody exchanges without fighting, consider meeting in a public place. Choose a neutral spot where neither parent is likely to start a ruckus. If such a place exists. In some situations, nowhere is off limits, but being exposed often encourages both parties to be on their best behavior.

Where depends a great deal on the people involved. Pick a centrally located park. The mall, a restaurant, or a coffee shop where you know the regulars are all options. Extreme cases may call for supervised visitation centers or even a police station. Then again, if you just kind of rub each other the wrong way from time to time, a supermarket parking lot may work fine.

4. INVITE A THIRD PARTY WITNESS

While people are reluctant to fight in public, they’re also often hesitant to start trouble in front of friends or acquaintances. One strategy that can smooth over problematic custody exchanges is bringing along a third party. A mutual friend or even authority figure can help keep the peace, especially if it’s someone who knows both parents.

If there are individuals both of you maintain a relationship with, that might be the ideal fit. This approach often serves to calm down heated emotions. And if things do escalate, having a witness never hurts.

If you do go this route, it’s important to give some thought to who you bring along. If you have a new spouse or significant other, consider the ramifications of their presence. Is that going to touch on a sore spot and ignite lingering resentment? In some situations, it might be best to ride solo instead of risking a potential fight.

5. COMMUNICATE VIA ALTERNATE MEANS

Visitation, overnights, and custody exchanges often become logistical tangles. With football games, school plays, robot camp, and the many other activities children participate in, scheduling gets complicated. Pulling it off requires regular communication. If there are problems in this area, conflict often arises. When it involved kids, some level of contact must exist. Fortunately, there are alternative means of communication.

You may have mutual friends or family members willing to serve as go-betweens. Though it tends to get expensive fast, enlisting a lawyer or mediator is another potential strategy.

Thanks to modern technology, you have more outlets than ever before. If you can’t talk on the phone or in-person, email, texting, instant messaging, and other online options exist. Websites like Our Family Wizard provide shared scheduling services and online tools for co-parenting. There are even numerous smartphone apps for tracking parenting schedules and children’s activities. 6. 

6. PREPARE FOR CUSTODY EXCHANGES AHEAD OF TIME

Preparation in advance of custody exchanges is key. The more prepared you are, the faster and smoother they’ll go. Before your ex picks up the kids, take the time to gather everything they need for this particular stay. Whether it’s a quick overnight or a two-week vacation, make sure to gather the essentials.

Did you pack all of the regular medications they take? Do they have all the school books they need to get their homework done? That report on the solar system isn’t going to write itself. If your daughter has a baseball game, pack the mitt and cleats. If your son can’t sleep without his special stuffed zebra, it needs to make the trip. Knowing you have everything set reduces the amount of time you have to interact with someone you’d rather not see.

Think about what the kids can’t live without and send it with them. Otherwise, you risk a middle-of-the-night call or visit from your ex. If the goal is to limit the amount of contact, that defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

After a divorce, it may be quite some time before you want to see your ex again, if ever. But when you have kids, that’s not really an option. Custody exchanges can be tough, but it’s something you have to deal with.

For the sake of the kids, for their well-being—as well as your own—it’s important to try to make these encounters as smooth and painless as possible. Have a plan, be efficient, and keep your seething emotions in check for a few minutes. Hopefully, that’s all you’ll need. Taking steps to limit conflict in a custody exchange is healthier for everyone involved.

If you have questions about child custody or parenting plans, feel free to contact Goldberg Jones at his San Diego office.

I think these are all very valid points and important issues to consider and feeling that often occur during and after a divorce.  I often recommend the same approach and encourage parents to consider the same issues in regards to their children and themselves.  Divorce is a very painful experience even when it is handled well and with respect for each other.  However, the truth is most children I see for divorce issues are because their parents are still hurting so they children sense it and take on the family pain trying to solve it.  So please try these ideas.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  He is an expert in treating children who are involved in a high conflict divorce.  For more information regarding Dr. Michael Rubino or his practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or www.rubinocounseling.com or Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3. 

The Truth About Mental Health

TheIn our society there is a huge negative stereotype about mental illness and treatment for mental illness.  Given we live in the United States in the 21st century, this is quite surprising.  Especially since statistics show the 1 in 5 people could benefit from psychotherapy (CDC, 2014).  May is dedicated to mental health awareness and removing this negative stigma.

Most people when they think about psychotherapy or mental illness, think of someone sleeping in the street or some one with severe schizophrenia.  Because of this stereotype many people feel ashamed or embarrassed if they are told they need therapy. Family members also feel ashamed and embarrassed and never mention it to other people if someone in their family needs psychotherapy.  People are afraid that other people will think they are "crazy" too, if someone in their family is going to therapy.  However, most people who need treatment for a mental illness need treatment for depression or anxiety not schizophrenia.

Research studies show that most depression is due to a chemical imbalance in brain.  Diabetes is due to the pancreas not being able to coordinate glucose levels in the body. We don't make a person with diabetes feel embarrassed or ashamed so why do we make someone dealing with depression feel embarrassed or ashamed?

What is the cost of this stereotype? People who have depression are at risk for suicide. The 2014 Center for Disease Control statistics show that suicide is the third leading cause of death for people aged10 to 24.  Yes ten year old children are suffering from depression and are killing themselves.  One of the most common  methods is a gun. People assume this is a guarantee. Wrong, a gun is not a guarantee. Quite often the gun jumps and the person lives.  However, they have to undergo multiple surgeries to try to rebuild their face.  However, no matter how good the surgeon, the person is left with multiple permanent scars.  Psychotherapy and medication might have prevented the suicide attempt.

However, because of our negative stereotype, depression and suicide have never been taken seriously.  The Golden Gate Bridge is the most common place in the world for people to jump off when they are trying to commit suicide. It wasn't until just recently that the Bridge District voted on what type of anti-suicide barrier they are going to build.  However, even though they have voted for an anti-suicide net, last week they were still debating the details.  The Golden Gate Bridge is 78 years old. It has taken 78 years to do something about a life or death issue and they are still debating over minor details. BART has been around for decades and people have been jumping in front of trains for years.  This year BART is starting an anti-suicide campaign.  How many lives were lost needlessly to suicide, prior to this campaign and why have they waited so long to put one in place?

Often we assume it is a money issue.  Only poor people commit suicide because they cannot afford treatment.  The suicide of Robin Williams destroys that myth.  He had plenty of financial resources for treatment and had been in and out of treatment centers for years.  In an interview with Dyane Swayer he described how overwhelming depression is, he said, "no matter what there is always that little voice in the back of my mind saying jump."  If that voice is always there but society is saying there is something wrong with you for having depression in the first place or because you have not over come it, are you going to ask for help or keep seeking help? No.  

Yes society often blames the patient. Why don't they try harder? Why didn't they think of their family?  After Robin Williams' suicide a number of comedians and actors talked about their silent struggle with depression.  Rosie O'Donnell stated it best, "when you are that deep down in that black hole with intense emotional pain, the only think you can think about is how to stop the pain.  You don't think about your family or anything else."

 Again, May is Mental Health Awareness Month, think about your opinion or thoughts about mental illness.  Think about a 10 year old boy feeling that suicide is the only way out of his pain.  Think about the fact that he is dealing with a medical diagnosis similar to diabetes or high blood pressure.  If this is right, why is there this negative stigma about mental illness?  If a child has diabetes he receives medical treatment, there are summer camps and there is no shame put on the child or the family.  Think about the fact that the bill President Trump is pushing would make Depression and anxiety pre-existing conditions so insurance companies could deny people health care.

 We need to make a change in how we view or react to mental illness.  We live in the United States of America and we are supposed to be the super power in the world.  You wouldn't think that in the most powerful nation in the world that the third leading cause of death for our children is suicide.  We must change this ridiculous stereotype we have about mental illness and start providing people and children with appropriate treatment for their mental illness.  The life you save might be your's child's life or the life of a family member or friend.

We may want to look at England.  The Duke and Duchesses of Cambridge and Prince Henry have formed a program called, Heads Together.  The goal of the program is to eliminate the negative stereotype about mental health and to make sure people who need psychotherapy receive it.  In fact, the Duchess of Cambridge said publicly that if either of her children ever need psychotherapy that they will receive it. We might want to follow their example.   

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating children and teenagers.  He is very active in eliminating the stereotype about mental health. He is an active member in Heads Together in London, a non-profit founded by Prince Willam, Henry and Princess Kate to help people understand that people need mental health care.  For more information about Dr. Rubino's practice or his work visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

A Family's Trauma Trying To Get An IEP

 The story of Tara and her daughter Payton is a common story I have heard many times from families who have children who need an IEP.  Prior to the age of 4 years old Payton was diagnosed with a speech and auditory processing difficulties.  Payton was behind in her speech developmental milestones and attending preschool to address these issues.  However, no one explained to Tara, Payton's mother, what this diagnosis meant or the prognosis. Neither did anyone explain to Tara about the special education services she was entitled to.

Payton started kindergarten and do to her difficulties she needed to repeat kindergarten.  Again, no one explained to Tara, Payton's mother, how this may impact Payton and they also did not explain any other options, Tara agreed.  She was not alarmed because Tara had to repeat kindergarten herself.

However, this started a never ending cycle, where Payton was not meeting the standards for her grade level even when she was receiving Resource Assistance.  Tara stated some Resource Teachers were great and others knew very little about auditory processing issues so her daughter received no help.

Tara, watching her daughter struggle, decided to do her own research.  She found out more about her daughter's learning disability and that there was a private school which specialized in this learning disability.  Mount Diablo School District continued to lie to Tara as she asked more questions.  Also the District went to Payton's father and lied to him.  They told him if Payton's mother was successfully in getting Payton into the private school, he would have to pay upfront. The District said they would reimburse him later. This is a lie. Also it is not uncommon for the school district to take advantage of a divorce situation and play the parents against each other.

This resulted in a long fight with the school district and in the family court.  Payton is in 6th grade and after many years and a great deal of time and money, the fight continues.  Mount Diablo School District never looked at the price Payton was paying not receiving the education she is entitled to and having to endure her parents fighting each other in the courts.

This could have been handled very easily if someone was honest with Tara and told her what her daughter was entitled to and if the District followed the legal guidelines. However, they lie to parents all the time hoping parents will give up. If they do, then the District doesn't need to pay anything and can use the money how they want.  Tara was a prime target. A single parent who does not have a lot of time or money.  Mount Diablo misjudged Tara, she would not give up on her daughter.

Tara also found out something else parents need to be aware of when dealing with the IEP process.  The parent liaisons provided by the district are not there to help the parent or the student.  They serve as another way to confuse parents by providing incorrect information to parents.  Most parents trust these people believing they are on the student's side, but they really are there to support the District.

As I said, Tara and Payton's story is not uncommon. I have worked with many other families who have very similar stories.  Parents believe school districts have the students best interest at heart.  However, I have worked with families across the United States and what I have seen is that school districts have their best interest at heart not the students.  Tara had a very good way of stating the problem, "the child is the one who struggles for not having their needs met academically.  How many more parents are out there with struggling students who have been given the same bad information?  I don't know.  But we need to help them help their child, or these children will be at risk of drop out and struggling the rest of their life.  The school district is actually helping create children who are unable to get jobs and will be homelessness in our youth, when they become adults.  And that is a very very scary reality, no one wants to talk about because it's not their child who is at risk, it's ours!"

You Complete Me

"You Complete Me"

Many people are familiar with this line from the movie, Jerry McGuire, starring Tom Cruise.  A deaf couple signs this message to each other in an elevator and Tom Cruise's character assumes they must really be in love.  However, this may not be the reality. In reality it may be an unhealthy relationship.

As a psychotherapist with 20 years experience treating couples and teenagers, I have observed a common mistake that many people make regarding relationships.  Many people tell me they feel an emptiness inside themselves and describe it as a "big empty hole."  They assume that a relationship will fill this emptiness.  In other words, they are relying on their partner to eliminate that empty feeling they are experiencing.

This is a mistake.  The only person that can fill that emptiness you feel is you.  When I work with couples or an individual who is experiencing this emptiness, they usually are upset with their partner.  They are upset because their partner is not filling the emptiness.  Also the other partner is frustrated because they are tired of having to constantly reassure their partner.  They report they are tired of always having to worry about meeting their partner needs and that their needs are constantly being pushed aside.

This type of pattern is very common in relationships where there is domestic violence or a substance abuse problem.  Also jealousy is a major issue in these relationships.  The person who is experiencing the emptiness is very sensitive to feeling rejected or abandoned.  This is usually a result from childhood issues that have never been addressed.  However, as an adult, if they sense these feelings in their relationship they tend to over react to them.  The person may drink excessively to reduce their fears and men often result to verbal or physical abuse.  Anything that will keep their partner in the relationship and continue to fill the empty space.

This tends to occur because as we grow up there is a great deal of pressure for people to be in relationships.  You see this in children in first grade or kindergarten when adults jokingly ask children if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  If a child doesn't they often feel there is something wrong with them.

This pattern continues into adulthood.  Many women feel defective if they are 30 years old and not married.  Men feel as if they are not men if they do not have a girlfriend.  Both men and women often settle for anyone as long as they can say they are in a relationship.

As children, we never learn how to love and care for ourselves.  Ask someone if they would go out to dinner by themselves and most people look terrified by the idea.  They have no idea what they would do and they are afraid about what other people with think.  This is a sad state that we cannot love ourselves.  If we always need someone to reinforce we are lovable, we turn our power over to strangers.  If someone says something nice about us we feel good, if they say something hurtful, we feel unworthy as a person.  But, why should someone else determine our value?  We should be the one who judges if we are lovable or not.  A relationship should add to our life like a bottle of wine adds to a meal. A relationship should not define us as a person.

As a result of this problem, many couples end up divorcing because a partner is tired of having to reassure their spouse daily.  I have seen these divorces become very nasty and costly.  So both parties are hurt even more and so are the children.  They only people benefiting are the attorneys.

We also have this same issue with teenagers.  However, when they break up it tends to be more dramatic.  A teenager may start to use drugs, developing an eating disorder, start cutting, become depressed and may attempt suicide.  The behaviors are not uncommon after teenagers break up.

How do we handle this issue? We need to start to acknowledge as a society that a relationship doesn't make you a complete person.  Only you can make yourself feel complete as a person.  Also we need to remove the stigma of seeking mental health care.  We need to encourage adults who feel incomplete without a relationship to seek psychotherapy and deal with their issues.  Parents, if you notice that your teenager is desperate to be in a relationship, help them get psychotherapy so they can deal with the pain they are feeling.

Again, please remember a relationship should add to your life, it should not make you a person or define you as a person.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with families and teenagers.  If you would like more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com.   

Fair Fighting for Families

As a psychotherapist who works with teenagers and their parents and couples, on of the most difficult issues that people encounter is clear communication.  Based on how we are raised in our society, most of us do not receive education on communicating with each other.  As a result of this, miscommunication is very common between people and this typically results in relationship difficulties and hurt feelings.

Another common issue regarding communication is fighting or disagreements.  Many people feel that a disagreement or fight is always a bad thing for a relationship.  However, this is not true.  If you handle a disagreement or argument fairly, it can be a very healthy thing for a relationship.  It can help you overcome past miscommunications or help you to resolve a problem.

Parents who are dealing with teenagers need to remember that for teenagers their Frontal Lobes in their brains are still developing.  Therefore, they cannot always reason like adults and often have difficulties having fair disagreements.  I have included a list by TherapyAid.com which explains fair fighting rules.

Yes this might sound odd, but you can have a disagreement that is fair.  You do not always need to use insults or not listen to each other.  By using these rules, you and your teenager may be able to resolve an issue or at least come to an understanding without saying things that will hurt one another.

Parents what I suggest is that you sit down with these rules with your teenager and discuss that you would like to start to using these rules in your family.  Take the time and go over each rule so you both understand the rules.  Also make a copy for yourself to keep, your teen to keep and a copy to put on the refrigerator to remind everyone.  Remember, these rules will be a change for both of you so don't be surprised if it takes you some time to get use to these rules and use them on a regular basis.  Change usually never occurs over night.

While these rules are beneficial for parents and teenagers, these rules are also useful for couples.  Very few people in our society were brought up learning how to clearly communicate.  Just look at how many arguments occur due to miscommunication if you need proof.  For couples I would recommend the same steps as parents and teens.  First sit down and go over the rules so you both have the same understanding of the rules and keep a copy for yourselves.  The next time you have a disagreement practice using these rules. Keep practicing until you become comfortable using these rules.

Fair Fighting Rules

1.  Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.

Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.

2.  Discuss one issue at a time.

“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

3.  No degrading language.

Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.

4.  Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

“I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).

5.  Take turns talking.

This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!

6.  No stonewalling.

Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.

7.  No yelling.

Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse.

8.  Take a time-out if things get too heated.

In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.

9.  Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.

There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.

Again, this might seem simple to some people, but communication problems are one of the biggest problems I encounter as a psychotherapist.  We simply don't educate children about clear communication, which creates problems when these children become adults and try to talk with each other. So don't be embarrassed or assume you do not need help in this area.  Simply read the rules and try them in your life and see what happens.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience.  He specializes in treating teenagers and families. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/Drrubino3. 

Teenagers and End of the School Year Stress

The end of the school year is around the corner and it is that time of year again - it's Finals time.

Your teenagers are probably very stressed or getting stressed. There is a lot of things going on right now, Junior Prom, Senior Ball and other end of the year activities. 

As I stated besides finals, there are the Prom and Ball to worry about.  Many of the teens are stressed about who to ask, will they get asked, what to wear and how much will it cost?  Also then there are the after parties.  They worry about which one to go to and there is the issue of drinking that night, using drugs and having sex that night.  Parents remember when you were in high school and all the issues associated with the Prom or Ball.

If that was not enough, there are final projects due, research papers and many high schools require community service hours too.  In addition to this there is the normal homework and then time to study for finals.

In many classes the final may be worth fifty percent of the students grade.  The final grade in a class is very important.  This grade will be part of their overall GPA which can affect what colleges they can apply to and their ability to get scholarships.  For seniors some colleges have put a condition on their acceptance. The student must get a certain grade in a class or maintain a particular overall GPA.

As you can see there is a great deal of pressure on high school students during this time of year.  Also since the competition to get into colleges has increased and the competition for scholarships have increased so has the stress on high school students.

Many students will do what ever they need to in order to survive this time of year.  This includes using alcohol or weed to help them relax or sleep.  They will also take friends ADHD medication, use cocaine, or start taking caffeine pills or start drinking a great deal of coffee or energy drinks so they can stay awake and study.  They don't realize how much caffeine those energized drinks contain.  Also the combination of weed to sleep and caffeine to stay awake can cause mood changes, psychosis and even death.

Most teens want to do things on there on so they will tell you everything is fine and they have it covered.  They think it is fine because of the substances they are using.  Remember a teenagers prefrontal lobes are not fully developed yet.  Therefore, they only focus on the here and now and not on the future.

If your teenager is getting anger very easily or crying easily this is a sign that something is going on. If you notice a change in their eating habits such as going from eating a lot to eating nothing, this is another sign.  Also if you notice a change in their sleep pattern such as awake all night and falling asleep at odd times this is also a sign.

What do you do if you notice anything that is making you worry, you sit down and talk to them. Explain you know there is a lot of stress right now and point out the changes you have noticed and what you are concerned about.  Reinforce you are not having this conversation because you are mad or they are in trouble, you are having this conversation because you love them. If they are using things or doing things because they think it will help them study, let them know you are there to help.  Explain some of the dangers associated with what they are doing. Remind them no grade is worth their life.

Hopefully they will listen to you and confide in you. If they continue to deny  everything, then go to any local pharmacy and buy a drug testing kit.  Explain you are only doing this for their safety and they are not in trouble.  They may be afraid or embarrassed to tell you. They may feel like a failure in your eyes. As their parent they need your love and support right now not a lecture.  Again remember when you were in high school and how difficult it was to tell your parents certain things.  Good luck.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with teens and has over 20 years experience and his work is nationally recognized.  To find out more about Dr. Michael Rubino visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com