What Teens Need to Know About Texting

In today's world texting has become a very common way for people to communicate with each other.  If I go to a baseball game or the theater, I see adults texting the entire time.  I have even seen people fired via text.  While it is becoming very common with adults, it is even more common with teenagers.  The teenagers I see for psychotherapy text all the time.  It appears that texting is now the preferred way that teenagers communicate with each other.  If you remove their cellphones and they cannot text, many teens become very upset and I have seen many become violent.

While technology is advancing at a fast pace, our laws and ethics are having a difficult time keeping up with the latest advances.  However, when laws are passed or ethical standards set, many teenagers and adults are not aware of the new laws.  This is creating a tremendous problem for teenagers and their families.  I have worked with many teenagers who are struggling with an issue due to texting and they had no idea they were doing anything inappropriate.

First, it is important to note that any time you post something, tweet or text, it is on the internet forever.  This is why many celebrities have won very large monetary judgements against people who have posted false or embarrassing material.  You can remove it from the site it was posted to, but it still can found on other sites.  Therefore, if a teenager post something, they need to think about the fact that it will be out there forever and anyone can see it.  This may lead to embarrassing situations.

Let's consider the most common problems that teenagers encounter.  The first one is texting sexually explicit photographs to their boyfriend/girlfriend.  At the time they think it is no big deal.  However, high school romances typically do not last.  If one of the individuals feels hurt, they can post that sexually explicit picture all over the Internet.  It can be sent to their families and friends.  In fact, their entire school could see it.  This would be extremely embarrassing.  Even if the person who posted the picture is punished, the picture is still out there and the damage is done.

Additionally, teenagers fail to think about the fact that they are under 18 years old.  Therefore, they could be violating child pornography laws by sending the picture or by receiving it and having a copy on their cellphone.  In fact, Congress is trying to pass stricter laws regarding teenagers texting sexually explicit picture.  Therefore, besides being very embarrassed, the teenagers involved might find themselves facing legal charges for violating child pornography laws.

The second major issue is harassment.  Friends get mad at each other or often one teenager is singled out and they become the object of numerous texts telling them they are ugly, no one likes them etc.  These texts can be sent so often and by some many other teenagers that the teen who is the target commits suicide.  There are numerous examples of this and a common one is accusing a teenager of being gay.  This is not harmless teenage game playing.  This harassment can be vicious.  They are also cases where the teenagers sending these texts have been charged with stalking or more serious charges if the teenager committed suicide.

When this occurs, the teenagers are shocked.  They think they were just teasing another kid and it was harmless.  They have no idea what this teenager is already dealing with in their life or what it can be like to have numerous classmates texting you every day all day long.  It is not harmless teasing, but because technology has increased so quickly it is not the same teasing that use to occur at school.  We have not had enough time to think about this point.

The last major issue is that texting is an excellent way for schools or police to arrest teenagers for dealing drugs, buying or using drugs.  I have worked with many teenagers from numerous schools where the school catches someone using or selling marijuana on school grounds.  The school then checks the student's cellphone and looks at the text history.  The school then starts calling in the student's on the text history and asking about drug use or selling.  One teenager getting caught at school can result in ten teenagers being expelled.  The teenagers are usually in shock.  First, they never thought they were doing anything wrong and they never thought a text could get them in trouble.  However, it can and it does.  I have seen many teenagers for psychotherapy because of a text found by the school.

Parents, we see adults getting into trouble due to texts they have sent, what makes us think that teenagers can't get into trouble too?  Remember they are not grown adult yet, so their ability to think logically as an adult is not fully developed.  Even if it was, technology is moving so fast that adults are getting into trouble due to texting.  Therefore, we cannot expect teenagers to be able to sort all of this out on their own. Talk to your teen about texting, you may need to monitor their texting.  There are apps that can help teenagers identify texts that may be inappropriate.  Bottom line teenagers need to support and guidance from their parents regarding the ever evolving technology that we are facing.  If we cannot keep up with the ethical issues, how can a teenager?

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 20 years of experience working with children and teenagers. He also treats Internet addiction.  For more information on Dr. Rubino's work or his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.  

Teenagers and Vicarious Trauma

In light of more terrorist attacks on London and Pairs and especially the attack on the concert in Manchester, England, it makes sense to remind parents how children and teenagers are being impacted. I have been seeing more and more teenagers who are complaining of anxiety and depression.  Many of these teenagers are also afraid to go to school too.  I have also been seeing more teenagers being placed on home/hospital for school. This means a teacher comes to the house once a week instead of the teenager going to school.  This is an alarming trend.

I have also been hearing more teenagers talking about needing to carry a knife with them for their own safety. They tell me you never know when someone might try to attack you.  These are not juvenile delinquents or gang members, these are average teenagers.  They come from healthy families and are doing well in school and not involved in drugs. This need they feel to protect themselves is an alarming trend.

However, if you take a step back and look at what these children have seen over their lives it makes sense.  Most of these teenagers were very young on 9/11, or were not even born yet, when the United States was attacked.  Since 9/11 they have also seen two wars and heard on the nightly news about numerous terrorist alerts or attacks around the world and here in the United States.  They also hear how the TSA are putting tighter security on travelers and places such as Disneyland are increasing security due to concerns about terrorism.

In addition to terrorism, this is the first generation growing up with mass shootings.  According to ABC News from 2000 to 2015 there have been 140 mass shootings and since January 1, 2016, there have been more mass shootings than the previous 15 years.  According to the statistics on mass shootings every day 36 people are killed in the United States by a gun. This does not include suicides.  For the group we are discussing, suicide is the third leading cause of death for children between 10 and 18 years old and using a gun is one of the most popular methods of suicide.  Also because of school shootings, students have seen increased security on their school campuses.  Many campuses have metal  detectors that students have to pass through as the enter the campus and there are police officers assigned to school sites due to the fear of violence.

  

Now, in addition to these facts stated above, think about what these children see on the news nightly and the video games they play daily.  Anytime there is a shootings incident in the United States, or any where in the world, there is pretty much 24 hour news coverage of the event for days.  Also when there are bombing or shootings in Europe there is 24 hour news coverage for days too.  And now we have moved on to covering funerals.  When the officers were killed in Dallas the memorial was televised nationally.  If we look at the video games these kids are playing most have to do with killing and death.  And since computer graphics have significantly improved, many of these games look real.

Additionally, children in the fourth and fifth grades are telling me they are worried about our election results.  They have heard what the President has said and they are afraid other countries attacking us or that the President  may start a war.  Also Hispanic children who are legal citizens are afraid that they will be deported.  This is a great deal for a nine or ten year old child to worry about.

Looking at all of this it begins to make sense why I am seeing more depressed and anxious teenagers who fear for their lives.  These teenagers are being traumatized.  They may not be experiencing the trauma personally but they are experiencing vicarious trauma.  With all of the pictures on television and news reports and realistic video games these teenagers are playing, they are being traumatized vicariously.  We have never had a generation of children grow up with the amount of trauma that these children are growing up with in the world.  Even children growing up during World War II didn't experience this amount of trauma.  We didn't have instant access to news nor did we have the graphic videos being shown by the news media.

The question now becomes, what do we do?  Well we can not change the world unfortunately. However, we can monitor how much exposure our children are receiving to mass shootings when they occur.  We can monitor the video games they are playing and limit access to games that focus on violence and killing.  We can demand that the Congress pass gun control laws that make sense.  No one needs an assault weapon to hunt a deer.  We can also listen to what our children are saying and talk to them about their concerns.  When a mass shooting occurs we can ask them how they are feeling, ask if they have any concerns and reassure them that you are there as their parents to protect them.  Also try to become active. Look for sites by the Red Cross or the benefit concert for victims of the Manchester incident.  Making a donation helps children to feel there is something they can do instead of just being a victim.

Finally, if you start to notice a change of attitude in your child that you are concerned about have talk to your child or have them assessed by a psychotherapist.  I have included a link to an article by the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry which describes what parents can do http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Talking-To-Children-About-Terrorism-And-War-087.aspx.  There is nothing to be ashamed of if a child needs therapy.  We are exposing children to situations that most adults have problems dealing with themselves. You may find it very upsetting to talk to your child about these incidents.  For these reasons and many more, if you feel your teenager has been traumatized vicariously make an appointment with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers and victims of trauma.  Our kids have had to deal with a lot. We can help make it easier for them growing up in this time by providing the help they need.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and is an expert treating victims of trauma and also performs Critical Incident Debriefing. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com  or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

How Feeling Loved Can Change A Teenagwr

Many of the teenagers that I see for psychotherapy come to therapy believing that no one loves them.  They tell me their parents don't love them, their siblings don't care about them and no one at school cares about them.  They feel they are unloveable and no one cares if they live or die.  Because they have this belief, they don't care about themselves. They don't care how they are doing in school and they see no future for themselves.

There are many reasons why children have this feeling about themselves. For some their parents were drug addicts, for some they were sexually or physically abused, some have gone from foster home to foster home their entire lives.   Why teenagers have developed this attitude is not always the most important issue. What matters is they have this belief and what this belief is doing to their lives.

Many teenagers who feel unlovable turn to drugs or alcohol to numb these feelings.  Some turn to self-mutilating behaviors such as cutting again as a way to numb these feelings or punishing themselves.  Many usually become sexually active at an very early age.  They equate sex with love.  Also many of these teens become involved with gangs and bullying.  The gangs serve as a psedufamily for the teenagers.  In fact, gangs consider their members as family members.  Bullying is another way teens numb out their pain.  They believe by making someone else look weak that it makes them look strong and people will respect them and love them.  It is sad that some teenagers are so desperate to feel loved by a parent figure.

The above are a few ways that teenagers deal with feeling unlovable.  However, the number of teenagers who feel this way are creating numerous problems for everyone.  As a result of teens feeling unlovable, we have a severe drug problem in the teenage population.  Teenagers are dying from accidental drug over dosages at an epidemic rate. According to the CDC the number of teens using drugs, such as heroin and meth, is at an epidemic rate.  Cutting, suicide and being murdered are all at epidemic rates for teenagers.  All because many of them don't feel loved.

We are receiving this message in many ways. In Disney's movie, Frozen, they mention that people make poor choices and do hurtful things because they feel unloved.  The movie goes further to say that if people feel loved you would be amazed at how they can change.  Oprah in her last show commented on one thing she had learned from her show was that everyone wants to know that they are important to someone and that someone sees them and cares about what they say and do.  Challenge Day, a program designed to work with teenagers, believes all teens deserve to feel loved and cared for by people.  I have worked with Challenge Day and I am amazed every time that this big, tough teenager ends up crying on the floor when he realizes that someone cares.  We really are getting the message, when teenagers are saying to people that no one cares about him.  I have teenagers telling me they are willing to take a chance of overdosing just so they can escape the pain of feeling abandoned and unloved.  It is heartbreaking to hear a teen tell you this as they try to hide the fact that they are crying.

We know love makes a difference to many people so why not teenagers?  The teenagers I work with don't really want to be the tough guy.  They want to know that they are loved.  When I tell a teen I'm working with in therapy that they deserve to be loved, they think I'm crazy.  They test me in numerous ways to get me to throw them out of my office.  They are testing the point I made that they are lovable.  They try everything they can think of to prove me wrong.  However, in reality they are hoping to fail and prove that I am right that they are lovable.  So, I hold strong and tell them I won't change my mind and I will not give up. I will not throw them out of therapy. If they decide to walk out that is their choice and I can't stop it.  I also let them know if they do walk out that my door will always be opened to them.

After testing me, many of these teens decide they are worth it and decide to make a future for themselves. It is amazing to see and it is very nice to see.  However, there are those teenagers who walk out and that is very disappointing. It's not disappointing because I lost it is disappointing because the teenager will continue to live in pain.

The main point is that Challenge Day, Alive and Free (another program for teens) and other therapists like myself cannot be the only ones trying to help teenagers.  We need everyone to help. Parents, teachers, physicians, psychotherapists, the juvenile justice system and our communities.  We need to let children know from the day that they are born that they deserve to be loved and that they are important members of our society.  We cannot continue to wait until these children are teenagers to tell them they are lovable. As a teenager it is too easy not to listen. If we start when they are babies, they will grow up with a sense that they are important and deserved to be loved.  This could help reduce how many teens turn to drugs or violence.

So, think about how you can show a teenager that they deserve to be loved and that they are important. If everyone starts with one teenager, you would be surprised the changes we can make in someone's life and the world.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating children and teenagers.  He has over 20 years experience treating teenagers.  If you want more information about Dr. Rubino visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or like his Facebook page www.facebook.com/drrubino3. 

Improving Communication with Your Teenager

As a psychotherapist works with teenagers and their parents, I have heard a common complaint from both teenagers and their parents.  Both complain about difficulties with communication.  Teenagers feel that their parents don't understand them.  And parents tell me they feel like they cannot communicate with their teenagers.

I have stated in prior articles that if parents want to have good communication with their children, they must work on the parent-child relationship early. The earlier the better. If you wait until your child in a teenager, it is very difficult due to the brain development during puberty.  When children are born their brains are not fully developed.  Their brains, reasoning and communication skills continue to develop as a child grows.  Parents need to be prepared for these changes.

I recently read a blog by Dr. Denny Coats which deals with this issue.  He breaks the issue down to thee points for parents to understand and work on.  I think these three points make it easy for parents to understand what is occurring and what they need to do.  So hear they are:

1. Improve your communication skills

You can get away with almost any way of communicating during early childhood; but once adolescence arrives, reacting in the typical way not only won’t get you the results you hope for, it will erode the relationship. In my opinion, five skills matter most.

Listening. If learning only one skill is all your busy life permits, this is the one you should focus on. Learn all you can about listening and set a goal of to continuously improve the way you listen for the rest of your life.

Encouraging your child to think – analyzing, evaluating, learning from experience, problem-solving, decision-making, goal-setting, planning, and organizing. Yes, you’re a lot smarter than your child and you can the thinking for them, just as you’ve done during early childhood. But these mental skills take time and quite a lot of repetition to master, and your child will need them to succeed in a career, life and relationships.

Giving effective feedback – both praise and constructive feedback. Your child will need it, but you need to offer it in a specific, positive way, so that it both guides and encourages.

Dialogue. When you have differences of opinion, arguing is the instinctive reaction. The problem is that it resolves nothing and tends to alienate the child. You can learn to share and probe each other’s thinking, instead.

Conflict resolution. When your child wants something that is unacceptable to you, it’s possible to explore other alternatives that satisfy both your needs and those of your child.

These are the skills you’ll need to deal with daily challenges and opportunities and to have the dozen or so “talks” every parent should have with their growing child. Search my blog for articles about these skills. The online self-paced Strong for Parenting program has videos, articles and tip sheets about these skills. Begin experimenting with one skill at a time and learn from your experiences using it with your family.

2. Get smart about the brain development that will happen during adolescence.

It will be invisible, slow, silent and relentless, with enormous consequences. So much depends on the kind of thinking your child exercises during the teen years, and there’s much you can do as a parent to optimize the result. I wrote the free ebook, The Race against Time, to help parents appreciate what’s going on and what they can do.

3. Acknowledge that during adolescence, you’ll be raising an adult, not a child.

Yes, prior to puberty, you are definitely dealing with a child. And after puberty, you won’t be dealing with an adult. Your kid will be a no-longer-a-child-but not-yet-an-adult, what we call an adolescent.

During those six or seven years before he or she leaves home to go to college, start a career, enter military service, or even start their own family, your child hopefully will construct the foundation for the mental skills that will be needed for adult life. And aside from academic learning, teenagers have plenty of social and life skills to learn. if you think of your child as an “apprentice adult,” you’ll deal with them on that level, expect more of them and give them opportunities to learn the skills and wisdom they’ll need. If you realize you’re helping your child become a successful, responsible, happy adult, you can get a lot done. And believe me, for too many teenagers much of this development is haphazard or nonexistent.

So start now. Start improving the communication skills that matter. Help your child practice the mental skills that will give them a superior mind. Start thinking of your tween as an “emerging adult,” so that month by month and year by year you can help them prepare for adult life. 

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working with teenagers and their parents.  For more information regarding his work or private practice please visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com.

Teenagers and Internet Addiction

 A common argument I hear daily in my office is how much time should an adolescent be spending on their laptop or their smart phone.  Parents typically believe that their adolescents are spending too much time on their cellphones and laptops. Of course adolescents feel that their parents are being unfair and not allowing them enough time on their cellphones or laptops.   Adolescents typically say they need their laptops and cellphones for homework and to communicate with their friends. They feel that their parents don't understand how the world works today.

In fact 20/20 the ABC News Show, just did a story about how the internet is affecting teenager's brains.  We now have MRI evidence which demonstrates too much screen time has a negative effect on teenage brains and adult brains.  They also discussed the issue of Internet addiction.  While the American Psychological Association feels more research is needed before it can be labeled a formal diagnosis, think about it? If you can be addicted to porn, gambling or exercise, why not the Internet?  I have included a link to a video discussing how the internet is impacting teenagers' brains  https://youtu.be/6Ggz9h7S4b4.

The major problem is that today's adolescents have grown up with the internet, laptops and smart phones their entire lives.  Texting is a very common method of communication for teenagers too.  I have teens telling texting is their primary way of communicating with friends.  However, most parents grew up when laptops could not do as much and cellphones were typically only used for making a telephone calls not texting. Therefore, there is a difference of opinion regarding how teenagers should use technology and how their parents have used technology over the years. Especially, because when most parents were teenagers themselves technology was not so prevalent.

Besides parents and teens having different views about technology. Parents are worried that their teenager is becoming addicted to the Internet and their cellphones.  Having seen how some teens react to having their cellphones or the Internet taken away, I can understand why some parents feel their teenager is addicted to the Internet.  

However, parents have additional concerns too.  Parents are concerned that with all the texting teens do and all the time they spend on the Internet that their teens are becoming anti-social.  Other concerns are the amount of bullying that occurs online, the sexual perpetrators that are online and how easy it is for teens to obtain drugs online.  Another concern is that their teen may be involved in sexting or sending naked photos of themselves while on line.  Sexting is a relatively new phenomenon so we don't have a great deal of information regarding it.

However, we do have evidence to support parents' concerns.  There are numerous examples of cyberbullying and examples of teens commuting suicide due to cyberbullying. There is evidence of child predators using the internet to prey on teenagers.  There is also evidence of teenagers being able to access drugs easier and engaging in sexting and sending sexually explicit photographs of themselves via the Internet and texting.

Therefore, there are reasons for parents to be concerned.  While there are research studies which indicate that there are reasons to be concerned about how much teenagers use cellphones and go online, there is also research showing there is reason to be concerned about what teenagers are exposed to online and can access online.  Some studies do conclude that teenagers spend to much time daily online and on their cellphones.  Some studies indicate that teenagers should be limited to one to two hours per day online.  As I stated above, the American Psychological Association is considering including a diagnosis of internet addiction in the Diagnosis and Statistical Manual.  However, because the amount of people using cellphones and the internet in numerous ways, there is no agreement about what defines an addiction and what is normal usage.  Therefore, parents are encouraged to monitor their teens and use their own judgement regarding rules involving cellphones and the internet.

While, there is research indicating that the internet can pose a danger to teenagers, there is also research showing that there are benefits to the internet and cellphones.  The research has shown that teenagers who are depressed, anxious or questioning their sexuality that they can find cites online where they can talk with other teens feeling the same way.  Texting has been shown as a way friends have of identifying friends who are suicidal.  Because of the Internet, they were able to get their friend help.  In fact, just this week, Facebook has added additional ways that people can get help for someone especially if they feel their friend might be suicidal.  Many teens I work with find it easier to open up to friends or parents via texting or emailing at times.  Therefore, while research shows there are reasons to be concerned, there are also studies indicating that cellphones and the internet can provide positive benefits to teenagers.

So, what do parents do? At this point there are no firm answers because this technology is so new.  Therefore, parents need to pay attention to the news and research studies that are being reported.  Furthermore, parents need to have conversations with their teenagers and educate their teens about the risk associated with texting and the internet.  Also parents need to use their judgement and set rules regarding cellphones, texting and using the internet that they feel are appropriate.  Currently, the accepted amount of time for a teen to be online recreationally so for fun and this doesn't include homework is one to two hours a day.

Another issue is that Internet addiction may also affect adults.  Therefore parents, you need to monitor your internet use and set an example for your teenagers. Such as no cellphones during dinner or no cellphones or Internet use after 9pm during the week.  These are a couple of examples.

As for treatment of Internet addiction.  The Utah Wilderness Camps they showed on 20/20, I do not recommend.  These camps typically costs thousands of dollars and are not covered by insurance.  Also so far, I have not seen a teenager benefit from attending one.  In my opinion, individual psychotherapy is appropriate.  Because just like any other addictions/compulsion, there are always underlying emotional issues that need to be addressed.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers.  Dr. Rubino does treat teens and adults who feel they are addicted to texting or the internet.  For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work or his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3.

Cellphones as a Graduation Gift

In today's society many people including teenagers view cell phones as a necessity of life.  However, cellphones are a privilege not a necessity.   We need to remember that fact. 

In a couple of weeks many 8th grade students will be graduating from Middle School and moving on to High School.  Many of those 8th grade students, who do not have cellphones, will be asking for cellphones as graduation gifts.  For those 8th grade students who have cellphones will be asking for better cellphones as graduation gifts.  The cellphone or smartphones are very popular graduation gifts.

Many people have forgotten that cellphones are privileges especially teens and children in Middle School. This is a common argument I encounter between children and parents. The other argument that is common between parent and children is how much and where the cell phone is being used.  Teens basically accuse parents of child abuse if they say no to a phone or if the parent set limits.  You are not being abusive, you are being a responsible parent.  Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest. You need to do what you feel is best for your child.

This is an area where technology has moved faster than our ethics. If you think about it, IPhones and Smartphones were not around in the year 2000. Now everyone including a majority of teens have an IPhone or Smartphone. In my opinion an adolescent does not need a cellphone until they enter Middle School and at that point all they need is a basic cellphone.  They need a basic phone so they can check-in with you if their plans change or if they feel they are in need of help.

There is no reason that a teenager really needs a Smartphone. They are not taking care of a family nor are they running a business. Therefore, a basic cellphone should be adequate for what they need it for. I understand that given the way our society has changed some parents may find that it is helpful to their family if a child in middle school has a cellphone. This is a decision that every parent needs to make based on their family's situation.

The parent needs to make this decision, not let the child guilt them into buying them a cell phone as a graduation gift. If you are divorced and have children, this may be extremely difficult, but the decision about if your child gets a cellphone as a graduation gift or not, should be a joint decision by both parents and a decision you both agree on. One parent should not buy a cellphone without consulting the other parent and they should not use it as a weapon in the divorce.

If you decide that your middle school child is mature enough for a cellphone as a graduation gift, you should discuss the rules and guidelines about using the phone prior to getting a phone. Some things to discuss are who they give their cell number to, not texting during class and not taking it into the bedroom at night so they can text most of the night. Many kids will text with their friends until 2 or 3 am and then be too tired for school the next day.

Also there should be a discussion about sharing photos. You never know what someone will do with a photo if they get mad with you. Also there needs to be a discussion about the law.  It is not uncommon for teens to send their boyfriend/girlfriend nude photos of themselves.  What they don't understand is they are under the age of 18 years old.  Therefore, if they have a nude picture of their 15 year old girlfriend, they can be charged with possession of child pornography.  Many may say this won't happen to me, but I have had a number of teens in psychotherapy because they were charged with having child pornography.  Also you need to remember, once those pictures are out on the internet, they are out there forever.  There also needs to be a discussion about on-line perpetrators too.  There are many pedophiles on line trying to lure unsuspecting teens into their plans.  Your children need to understand this is a real risk and what to watch for.

Finally, it should be made clear that the phone does not belong to the child — the phone belongs to you the parent. Yes you are giving them the phone as a gift, but it still belongs to you. If you ask for it back, then the child hands it over no questions asked.  Also if you feel they are using their phone in an inappropriate manner, all you need to do is call your cellphone carrier and request that their phone line be suspended.  It cost you nothing and it is an easy way to control the phone.  When you feel that your child has earned the right to have the cellphone back all you do is call your carrier to reinstate that phone line.

It is very important that you and your teen have an agreement about conditions regarding their cellphone use.  All of these conditions and agreements should be written down in an agreement that you sign and the child signs. You each get a copy of the agreement and one copy is posted on the refrigerator. If there are any disputes about a rule, you simply go back to the agreement and you follow what is written. A written agreement is very important because I have seen parents have conversations, make agreements and then 6 months later there is a disagreement and everyone's memory is slightly different so you have a big fight.

Also given how many adults have gotten into trouble with their Smartphones, if you are going to allow your child to use any kind of cellphone you must discuss the pros and cons so the child does not get into major trouble with the phone.

Below I have included a sample contract that you can use with your child and modify as you need. I will not bring my cellphone to the family dinner table. I will not go over our plan's monthly minutes or text message limits. If I do, I understand that I may be responsible for paying any additional charges or that I may lose my cellphone privileges. I understand that I am responsible for knowing where my phone is, and for keeping it in good condition. I understand that my cellphone may be taken away if I talk back to my parents, I fail to do my chores, or I fail to keep my grades up.

I will obey rules of etiquette regarding cell phones in public places. I will make sure my phone is turned off when I am in church, in restaurants, or quiet settings. I will obey any rules my school has regarding cellphones, such as turning them off during class, or keeping them on vibrate while riding the school bus. I promise I will alert my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don't know. I will also alert my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cellphone. I will not use my cellphone to bully another person.

I will send no more than _____ texts per day I understand that having a cellphone can be helpful in a emergency, but I know that I must still practice good judgment and make good choices that will keep me out of trouble or out of danger.

I will not send embarrassing photos of my family or friends to others. In addition, I will not use my phone's camera to take embarrassing photos of others. I understand that having a cell phone is a privilege, and that if I fail to adhere to this contract, my cell phone privilege may be revoked.

Cell Phone Contract: Parent Responsibilities I understand that I will make myself available to answer any questions my tween might have about owning a cellphone and using it responsibly. I will support my child when he or she alerts me to an alarming message or text message that he or she has received. I will alert my child if our cellphone plan changes and impacts the plan's minutes. I will give my child _______ warning(s) before I take his or her cellphone away Signed ______________________________ (Tween) Signed ______________________________ (Parents) Date ______________________________

Dr. Michael Rubino has been working with middle school and high school students for over 20 years.  He is considered an expert in this field.  Dr. Rubino is one of the founding members of the National Alive & Free Program, a program designed to work with teens. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work and private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

Divorce is not Part of Your Teenager's Graduation

                Your Divorce is not Part of Your Teen's Graduation

Divorce brings a lot of new situations in to a people's lives especially if you have children. Hopefully, when you and your spouse divorced it was done in a civil manner and the children were not put in the middle of the divorce. This is the ideal situation, however, we do not always get the ideal situation. Very often divorces are high conflict and the two of you argue over everything and anything. Usually in these high conflict divorces, the children are put in the middle and used as weapons. The children feel they have to choose between their mother and their father. This is a very sad situation.

This conflict usually interferes with visitations and holidays too. Parents argue about pick up times and drop off times, how long they have the children for holidays and there is often arguments about can a child bring toys or clothes from Dad’s house to Mom’s house. In short, parents argue about everything and the children become sick and tired of the arguing.

The other factor that adds to this is grandparents saying negative things about the ex wife or ex-husband. This only increases the pressure and stress the children are dealing with after a divorce.

The final stressor is when one or both parents remarry or have a long term boyfriend or girlfriend. Then the arguments about she is not my child’s mother or he is not my child's father and I don’t want them involved in my child’s life start. Also a new girlfriend or boyfriend can cause teens to argue with their parents because they want their parents back together.

In short in a high conflict divorce, children live in a war zone. They become use to arguing about everything and often feel they must choose sides. At times some children do choose sides hoping to end the fighting or because they are so confused.  This type of divorce creates a great deal of issues for children and I cannot cover all the issues in this blog. I would need a book to cover all the issues.  Most the time, teens become sick and tired of the fighting and wish that their parents would stop fighting so they could at least not have to worry about what will cause the next argument.

Graduation is one of those issues. Parents will often start arguing about issues such as, “I paid for everything you needed for high school and now your father wants to come.” Or “if your mother shows up, after everything she has done, I won’t be in the same room as her.” And of course there is always the issue of “he better not bring her to my child’s graduation.” What is a teenager to do?

They have spent the last four years working very hard in high school and graduation is a day for them to celebrate their accomplishment. They also usually want the people who they love and care about to be there with them to celebrate their accomplishment. However, how does this happen when Mom and Dad and grandparents are stating their terms about who can attend graduation and how graduation day will go because of the divorce.

Your teenager did not get divorced. You and your spouse divorced and even though you are no longer married, you are both still parents for your teenager and you need to act like parents and adults. This means putting aside all your feeling and issues so your teenager can truly celebrate their day, their graduation. Most parents have told their teens to stop being selfish and to think about someone else, at some point during High School. Well isn’t it time that you followed your own advice. Stop thinking about yourselves and your divorce and think about your teenager and how you can make your teenager's graduation a happy day for them.

What you need to do is you and your ex spouse need to sit down together or email each other and discuss how the two of you can put your issues on hold for one day so your teenager can have what they deserve, a happy graduation. The two of you need to talk with grandparents too and other extended family and inform them what will be allowed and what will not. This doesn’t mean you have to act like best friends. You simply need to be civil to each other. If you don’t think you can sit next to each other at the graduation, then one of you sits on the left and one sits on the right. You don’t have to have a joint party either. You can decide to have separate parties. The key is communicating with each other before the graduation and decide how you can do it civilly. This will be the best graduation present that you can give your teenager. If you can allow them to have their graduation day to celebrate their accomplishment without having to worry about what fight there will be. You are also teaching them a lesson about love, being parents and relationships.

The most important thing to do is remember this is a celebration. So let your teenager celebrate and allow yourselves to celebrate with your teenager as their mother and father. Remember the divorce ended your marriage not your relationship together as parents.  Do not allow your divorce to deprive you from enjoying your child's High School graduation day with them.  They only graduate from high school once.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with teenagers and families coping with divorce. He is an expert in providing psychotherapy treatment for children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino or his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com.