What Schools Don’t Tell Parents about IEPs

WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT AN IEP and A 504 PLAN

By

Dr Michael Rubino

Many parents do not know what an IEP is or what a 504 Plan is in regards to a child's education.  Also many parents are not aware of their rights or their child's educational rights.  I receive numerous emails from parents anytime I write about IEPs.  Therefore, here is an article describing IEPs and 504 plans for parents.

Parents here is important information about Individualized Education Plans (IEP) and 504 agreements.  Besides ensuring that your child receives a good education, you do not need to pay for items such as special computer programs that the school district should be paying for not you. If your child has an IEP the school district is responsible for most educational expenses even a private school if necessary. Please read this article so you understand your rights and your child's rights.

The beginning of the school year is fast approaching.  Besides the mad dash to get ready for school and schools are going to start assessing students to determine if they qualify for an Individualized Educational Program (IEP). I am already hearing from parents how school districts are misleading them and pressuring them to sign an agreement for a 504 before the parents clearly understand the difference between an IEP and 504 plan.  The definition for both is further down in this article. An IEP and 504 are not the same. An IEP is legally enforceable and has legal guidelines and time frames. An IEP follows a student from school to school or state to state. A 504 is not legally enforceable and doesn’t follow a child nor are there legal guidelines.

An IEP will not stop your child from getting a job or from getting into college. In fact and college because they still would be entitled to assistance and the State of California may pay for their books. Also educational records are confidential therefore, no one would know your child had an IEP in school.

Many schools say your child must be two grades below in order to qualify for an IEP.  If you said your child had a math or reading disability this is true. However, if they have ADHD, Bipolar, school anxiety etc. they can qualify under OTHER HEALTH IMPAIRMENTS. All your child needs is a diagnosis such as ADHD which would interfere with their ability to fully benefit from their learning experience in the classroom. The 2 grade below level qualification doesn’t apply to this category.

Also if you have a child in private school and they would benefit from additional assistance, contact your child’s public school district. Even though they attend private school the public school district is legally obligated to provide your child with services.

One more issue, never pay for outside testing before the school district tests your child. They have the right not to accept any outside testing until they test the child. If you disagree with the district’s testing then you can request an objective testing from an outside professional and you can request that the school district pays for the testing and you can select the evaluator.

An IEP or an Individualized Education Plan is a document that outlines the specialized education services that a student will receive due to their disability. It ensures the student will receive the assistance necessary so they will receive an education.

When most parents hear disability, they usually think of a person in a wheelchair or a student wIth a learning disability. There are various condItions that can qualify as a disability. Depression, Bipolar Disorder or even diabetes. The disability is any condition that will interfere in the student receiving the same education as other students. The students who qualify for an IEP need accommodations which meet the criteria of needing specialized education. As I stated above their are numerous conditions which may qualify a student for an IEP.

if a student does qualify for an IEP, they also qualify for Special Education. Many parents hear this and are afraid or embassies. There is nothing to be afraid of or embossed about. If a student qualifies for Special Education, if the student needs speech therapy or special computer programs, the school district is obligated to provide the services to the student at no expense to the student’s family.

There is also an option called a 504 Plan. This was established in the Rehabilitation Act of 1973. The 504 plan ensures that a student with a disability will receive accommodations so they will receive the same education as other students. However, the 504 plan does not qualify a student for Special Education services and It is not overseen as closely as an IEP plan.

Currently, many districts are telling parents that their child does not need or qualify for an IEP and a 504 plan is just a good. This is not true. Many school districts are telling parents that their child does not qualify for an IEP because the IEP is more expensive for the district and most districts are trying to save money.The districts take advantage of the fact that as parents, you do not know all the differences between an IEP and a 504 so they can talk a family into a 504 plan easily.

If you find that your child is having difficulties at school due to a learning disability, health issue or emotional issue, consult an outside professional before you automatically assume that the school is giving you the appropriate recommendation.

I see many parents who have been told that their child is better with a 504 plan and that is not the truth. You can consult an educational consultant or a therapist who works with children. You can contact me at via my website www.rcs-ca.com. I help many families at their child’s IEP meeting. The main thing is, do not be afraid to ask if your child should have a 504 or an IEP. Also don’t let the district make you feel guilty because you want time to think and investigate the options. This is your child and you should never sign anything until you are sure it is in your child’s best interest.

I have added a link to a chart that will help you compare the two and understand the differences.

504 Plan vs. IEP - Education Centerwww.ed-center.com/504This pages lists the differences between an IEP and a 504 plan.

I have also added a link to a video which helps to explain the differences between an IEP and 504 plan.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working with children and teens. He also has over 19 years experience working with children in Special Education and was an Intern for the AB3632 program which works with children in Special Ed and IEPs. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his new website that deals specifically with IEPs, lucascenter.org.

Being A Parent in the 21st Century

Our world has become more complicated for children and teenagers.  They have many more choices and technology that most parents never imagined.  While this has made it more difficult to be a teenager, it has made it more difficult to be a parent.  I have parents asking me every day what is appropriate or are they being too strict at home.  I also have teenagers who complain every day that there parents do not understand today’s world and that they are not allowed to do what their friends are allowed to do.

Parents are in a very difficult position.  They are trying to do what is best for their children, but they do not always know what is the best option.  I typically tell parents to trust their instincts.  Every child is different and requires different rules and guidelines.  As a parent you know your child the best and what is appropriate or inappropriate for your child.

I was reviewing an article by Sara Bean, M.ed., which addressed this same parenting issue.  I have listed some of her thoughts below.  Above all, I remind parents you are not perfect so all you can do is your best.  You cannot do better than your best.  In order to help with the guilt and confusion, below is a list of things you are typically required to do as a parent and things you are not required to do.

What you are not responsible for:

1. Making sure your kids are always happy

Don’t get me wrong—it’s good for your kids to be happy overall. But that means there will be plenty of times, especially when you’re parenting responsibly, that your kids will be furious with you when you set limits or give them a consequence. That’s part of your job description as the executive officer—not to make decisions based on what your kids will like, tolerate, or be okay with, but to make the decisions that are best for them and your family business, then follow through.

2. Getting the approval of others

Rationally, you do not need other adults in your life to tell you that you are doing the right thing. Parenting is not a popularity contest in your family or in your community. Sure, it feels great when other adults, such as your child’s teachers, tell you your child is doing something well, but it’s not necessary in order for you to run your family business well.

3. Controlling your children

Your children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is just no logical way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home. Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in self-interest. It’s important to remind yourself that if your child is not doing her homework, for example, despite your best efforts to motivate her and hold her accountable, that’s her problem and the poor grade she earns is hers alone. The consequence she will get from you is that you will make sure she sets aside time every evening to study, you will be in touch with her teachers more, and you will monitor her homework more thoroughly until she brings her grade up. We can’t control our kids, but we can influence them by the limits we set and the consequences we give. As James Lehman says, “You can lead a horse to water, and you can’t make them drink—but you can make them thirsty.”

4. Doing for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves

Many, many times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are capable of doing on their own. Your grade schooler might not make his bed perfectly the first time, but practice (and doing it imperfectly several times) is what he needs in order to get to the point where he can do it on his own. I’m not saying to stop preparing breakfast for your child once she’s old enough to pour her own cereal, or to never do anything to help your kids out in a pinch. What I am saying is to let your kids struggle sometimes and try your best to balance the responsibility. Typing a child’s paper for him because you type faster and it’s getting close to bedtime is not striking a balance.

5. You do not have to be Superman, Wonder Woman, Mike Brady, or June Cleaver

These are all fictional characters that seem to do it all and do it perfectly, right? You’re not one of them, nor should you strive to be. Rather than focusing on addressing every behavior issue or adhering to a perfect schedule each day, try to hit the important targets and realize that you might have to let some smaller things go each day. We call this picking your battles.

What you are responsible for:

1. Making tough decisions that are not popular ones

If your child doesn’t get mad at you at least once in a while, you’re not doing your job. Along with this, remember that you are not required to give lengthy explanations of your decisions. “It’s not safe” can be plenty of explanation when your teen asks why he can’t jump off the roof and onto the trampoline. “It’s your responsibility” is enough justification for telling your child it’s homework time. You don’t need to get into all the possible “what-ifs” and “if-thens.”

2. Teaching your 

It is your job to teach your child age-appropriate skills in order to allow them to become more and more independent. There comes a time when your child needs to learn how to emotionally soothe himself, tie his shoes, write his name, and cope when someone teases him. Over time the skills he needs get more and more advanced—typing a paper, saying no to drugs, driving a car, and filling out a job application, for example.

3. Holding them accountable

At the very least, this means setting some limits with your children when they are behaving inappropriately. For example, when your child is putting off their homework you might turn off the TV and say, “Watching TV isn’t getting your homework done. Once your homework is done you can turn the TV back on.” This could also be as simple as firmly saying, “We don’t talk that way in this house” to your child and walking away. Or, of course, it can also mean providing some effective consequences for something like having missing homework assignments, such as weekend activities being placed on hold until the work is completed.

4. Going along for the ride

On the rollercoaster, that is. We all know but often struggle to accept that life is full of ups and downs—and sometimes it gets turned upside down. There will be times when your child is doing well and times when he or she is really struggling. That is not a reflection on you, it just is. Don’t blame yourself when this happens. Focus on finding positive ways to cope, look for something new to try to help your child effectively, or get some local support.

5. Do your best

That’s really all you can do sometimes. It’s a perpetual balancing act—striving to find that balance between doing too much and doing too little, or giving consequences that are not too harsh but not too soft, either. Parenting can feel like a circus sometimes and there can be several balancing acts going on at one time. That’s when you have to go back to picking your battles and realizing you are not, nor will you ever be, June Cleaver or Superman.

Above all else, remember that your child is unique and you know him better than anyone else on the planet. You will always get input, no matter how obvious or subtle, from the world around you as to how you should parent your child. You, however, are the expert on your child and get to make your own decisions about how to parent her in a way that teaches her to be independent and accountable while also being loving and respectful of your child and her needs. When you find yourself personalizing, remember the tips here to help you be more objective and remember what your role as a parent really is.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in working with children and teenagers.  He has over 20 years experience and is a founding member of the Alive and Free National Advisory Board.  For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work and private practice please visit his website www.rcs-ca.com or Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3. 

Teenagers and Smaetphones

In today's society many people including teenagers view cell phones as a necessity of life.  I have seen teenagers argue with their parents how they could not function at school without their cellphones.  Most teenagers also say they need Smatphones, a regular cellphone will not work. However, cellphones are a privilege not a necessity.   We need to remember that fact. 

In a couple of weeks many students will be starting Middle School and moving on to High School.  Many of those students, who do not have cellphones, will be asking for Smartphones.  For those students who have Smartphones many will be asking for better Smartphones. Many teens feel they are entitled smartphones and cannot live without one.

Many people have forgotten that cellphones are privileges especially teens and children in Middle School. This is a common argument I encounter between children and parents. The other argument that is common between parent and children is how much and where the cell phone is being used.  Teens basically accuse parents of child abuse if they say no to a phone or if the parent set limits.  You are not being abusive, you are being a responsible parent.  Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest. You need to do what you feel is best for your child.

Parents if you stop and think about it, why does an 11 year old child need an IPhone 7? They do not need to track mileage or expense accounts nor do they remember their own appointments.  There is really no reason they need a Smartphone.

Smartphones are an area where technology has moved faster than our ethics. If you think about it, IPhones and Smartphones were not around in the year 2000. Now everyone including a majority of teens have an IPhone or Smartphone. In my opinion an adolescent does not need a cellphone until they enter Middle School and at that point all they need is a basic cellphone.  They need a basic phone so they can check-in with you if their plans change or if they feel they are in need of help.

As I stated above, there is no reason that a teenager really needs a Smartphone. They are not taking care of a family nor are they running a business. Therefore, a basic cellphone should be adequate for what they need it for. I understand that given the way our society has changed some parents may find that it is helpful to their family if a child in middle school has a cellphone. This is a decision that every parent needs to make based on their family's situation.

The parent needs to make this decision, not let the child guilt them into buying them a cell phone. If you are divorced and have children, this may be extremely difficult, but the decision about if your child gets a cellphone or not, should be a joint decision by both parents and a decision you both agree on. One parent should not buy a cellphone without consulting the other parent and they should not use it as a weapon in the divorce.

If you decide that your middle school child is mature enough for a cellphone, you should discuss the rules and guidelines about using the phone prior to getting a phone. Some things to discuss are who they give their cell number to, not texting during class and not taking it into the bedroom at night so they can text most of the night. Many kids will text with their friends until 2 or 3 am and then be too tired for school the next day.

Also there should be a discussion about sharing photos. You never know what someone will do with a photo if they get mad with you. Also there needs to be a discussion about the law.  It is not uncommon for teens to send their boyfriend/girlfriend nude photos of themselves.  What they don't understand is they are under the age of 18 years old.  Therefore, if they have a nude picture of their 15 year old girlfriend, they can be charged with possession of child pornography.  Many may say this won't happen to me, but I have had a number of teens in psychotherapy because they were charged with having child pornography.  Also you need to remember, once those pictures are out on the internet, they are out there forever.  There also needs to be a discussion about on-line perpetrators too.  There are many pedophiles on line trying to lure unsuspecting teens into their plans.  Your children need to understand this is a real risk and what to watch for.

Finally, it should be made clear that the phone does not belong to the child — the phone belongs to you the parent. Yes you are giving them the phone to use, but it still belongs to you. If you ask for it back, then the child hands it over no questions asked.  Also if you feel they are using their phone in an inappropriate manner, all you need to do is call your cellphone carrier and request that their phone line be suspended.  It cost you nothing and it is an easy way to control the phone.  When you feel that your child has earned the right to have the cellphone back all you do is call your carrier to reinstate that phone line.

It is very important that you and your teen have an agreement about conditions regarding their cellphone use.  All of these conditions and agreements should be written down in an agreement that you sign and the child signs. You each get a copy of the agreement and one copy is posted on the refrigerator. If there are any disputes about a rule, you simply go back to the agreement and you follow what is written. A written agreement is very important because I have seen parents have conversations, make agreements and then 6 months later there is a disagreement and everyone's memory is slightly different so you have a big fight.

Also given how many adults have gotten into trouble with their Smartphones, if you are going to allow your child to use any kind of cellphone you must discuss the pros and cons so the child does not get into major trouble with the phone.

Below I have included a sample contract that you can use with your child and modify as you need. 

Cellphone Contract

I, child’s name, will not bring my cellphone to the family dinner table.

I will not go over our plan's monthly minutes or text message limits. If I do, I understand that I may be responsible for paying any additional charges or that I may lose my cellphone privileges. 

I understand that I am responsible for knowing where my phone is, and for keeping it in good condition.

I understand that my cellphone may be taken away if I talk back to my parents, I fail to do my chores, or I fail to keep my grades up.

I will obey rules of etiquette regarding cellphones in public places. I will make sure my phone is turned off when I am in church, in restaurants, or quiet settings.

I will obey any rules my school has regarding cellphones, such as turning them off during class, or keeping them on vibrate while riding the school bus.

I promise I will alert my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don't know. I will also alert my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cellphone. 

I will not use my cellphone to bully another person.

I will send no more than _____ texts per day I understand that having a cellphone can be helpful in a emergency, but I know that I must still practice good judgment and make good choices that will keep me out of trouble or out of danger.

I will not send embarrassing photos of my family or friends to others. In addition, I will not use my phone's camera to take embarrassing photos of others. I understand that having a cell phone is a privilege, and that if I fail to adhere to this contract, my cell phone privilege may be revoked.

Parent Responsibilities I understand that I will make myself available to answer any questions my tween might have about owning a cellphone and using it responsibly.

I will support my child when he or she alerts me to an alarming message or text message that he or she has received. I will alert my child if our cellphone plan changes and impacts the plan's minutes.

I will give my child _______ warning(s) before I take his or her cellphone away 

Signed ______________________________ (Tween) Signed ______________________________ (Parents).  Date ______________________________

Dr. Michael Rubino has been working with middle school and high school students for over 20 years.  He is considered an expert in this field.  Dr. Rubino is one of the founding members of the National Alive & Free Program, a program designed to work with teens. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work and private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or www.rubinocounseling.com  or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

What Parents Need to Know about Middle School

The school year will be starting soon and many parents are focused on their children’s transition into High School or Kindergarten. However, there is another important transition for children. Beginning Middle School is a major transition for pre-adolescents. As a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, I am very familiar with what is happening on High School and Middle School campuses and how big the transition is into Middle School these days. However, some parents are not aware of what happens in Middle School today. One example, when I mention to parents who have a child going into middle school or a child in middle school, if they have spoken to their child about drugs and alcohol, I am told no.

I hear parents say every day that they don’t need to worry about drugs or alcohol with their child in middle school because their child is too young for that right now. Well the reality is that Middle School Students are drinking, using drugs and having sex. Many parents are unaware of what is happening in Middle Schools these days. Drugs and alcohol are just the tip of the iceberg. Children that are in the age group of middle school are now involved numerous dangerous activities such as selling drugs.

To begin with, most middle school campuses are better pharmacies than your pharmacy. I have had middle school kids say they can get Vicodin, Concerta, Ecstasy and of course weed and alcohol on their school campus. Some kids use at school and some use after school and on the weekends. More and more middle school kids are deciding to experiment with drugs and alcohol due to the pressure to feel successful as a teenager and so they fit in with friends.

Also many middle school kids are sexually active, but they don’t think they are sexually active. They think because they are not engaging in intercourse and they are engaging in sexual activity.  Most 6th graders tell me oral sex doesn't count as being sexually active.  The kids say they are just “messing around” with each other and do not consider this sex. They also have no idea about sexually transmitted diseases or how to protect themselves from contracting  STDs or getting pregnant. However, the number of middle school kids engaging in oral sex and intercourse has increased significantly over the last few years. The rate is now high enough that some middle schools, such as the San Francisco School District, are disrupting condoms to middle school kids. Yes, Middle Schools are giving condoms to children in the sixth grade. These kids are only 11 years old.

Another common issue in middle school is bullying. However, we are not just talking about one kid teasing another kid at school anymore. Today there is for a group of kids teasing one kid and it is not just at school. Now kids are using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and texting by cellphone to tease and harass other kids.  As many of you may recall there have been a number of kids who have committed suicide due to the teasing occurring  at school. I wrote an article about a middle school girl who committed suicide and in her obituary she left a note to the other students just asking them to be nice to each other. 

Another issue with teasing, is that a number of middle school students have been arrested for photos they text and for harassment. Besides teasing, texting a nude photo of a student in middle school means the middle school child violated child pornography laws. Something many parents and students are not aware of is that when a child texts a nude photo of a middle school student, who is under 18 years old, it violates child pornography laws and the child who texts it and received it can both be arrested.

Also many kids in middle school, especially boys, don’t feel safe and are afraid of someone trying to beat them up before or afraid school. They say they have to fight because other kids are recording it and posting it on YouTube. Boys are bragging about their fights on YouTube and comparing how many people have watched their fight with their friend’s fight. Therefore, boys feel they must fight, otherwise if they don’t fight the other kids will think they are a “whimp” so they have to fight. Due to this fear many middle school students carry knives, metal pipes, guns or anything they can think of to protect themselves. This is very sad that kids have to live in fear for their lives and safety at school. Also parents and students don't realize, if a student is caught with any of these items on campus they can be removed from their entire school district and required to go to continuation school. In addition, the school can have the student arrested. Due to terrorist activities, schools take anyone possessing items that can severely hurt someone very seriously.

These are just a few of the issues that are occurring at all middle schools and they are very serious. Your child is not going to come to you to ask about these issues or tell you about them because they feel embarrassed and they are afraid of getting in to trouble. So parents even though you may feel embarrassed or awkward discussing these issues with your 11 year-old child, please do so. If you notice anything about your child’s behavior that seems different to you and you feel a sense of concern, ask your child about what is happening at school and with friends. Mention they are getting older so are the issues in their lives and mention drinking, sex or being teased and ask if they need to talk about it. You may be saving their lives because they are dealing with things they know nothing about and these things can kill or have life long effects.

Here is a YouTube video that might help:

Life Talk | PSA: This could be your child (Teen drinking, alcohol,partying,peer pressure)

Dr Michael Rubino is an expert dealing with adolescents and adolescent issues. He has over 20 years experience treating adolescents. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3.

My Teenager is Starting High School

In about six weeks a number of students will be starting their first year in high school. Parents this is a good time to think back to your first day of high school and how you felt and what you were expecting. This can help you relate to some of the feelings your teenager is having and help you when you talk to them about starting high school. Hopefully this article will be able to provide some tips to make it an easy transition for your teenager and for you.

One common stressor for many teenagers are the stories they have heard about how seniors pick on and tease the freshman students. Another common fear for freshman is that they are going to get lost on the campus and not be able to find their classrooms. Your teenagers are at a point in their life where they want to make a good impression on the other students. At their age image is very important. Therefore the idea of being teased by the seniors or getting lost on the campus can be very stressful and also create a great deal of anxiety for a student starting high school.

As parents, you can talk to your teenagers about your first days days at high school and reassure them that the stories they hear about Freshmen being targets for the seniors are greatly exaggerated. Also you can try to go with them over to the school before it starts and walk around the campus so they can get use to where everything is at their new school. Another thing you can do is remind them that everyone makes mistakes so if they do get lost the first day it is not a big deal. Remind them there will be a lot of other kids starting their first day of school too and there will be other kids getting lost. This is also another opportunity to continue to establish an open relationship with your teenager. The more you talk with each other you increase the likelihood that they feel comfortable coming and talking to you about issues they will have while in high school.

Another issue facing some students is starting all over. In middle school may be everyone knew them and they were in the "popular group." Now no one knows them and they need to start all over. This may be frightening to them, but remind them there will be many times in life when they will need to start as the new person. Also remind them, if they were able to do it in middle school, they can do it in high school too. However, encourage them to have faith because it won't happen over night. Now for many students middle school was a nightmare. They may be looking forward to starting over. Again remind them if they have the desire to try they can do it, but also to be patient because it may not happen as quickly as they like.

Also before school actually starts is a very good time to establish what your expectations are regarding grades and after school activities and hanging out with friends. before I school actually starts is a very good time to establish what your expectations are for your teenager regarding grades, homework, after school activities and hanging out with friends. If you establish an understanding between yourself and your teenager before these situations arise you can save yourself a lot of time arguing with your teenager. However as you establish these guidelines you want to have a conversation with your teenager about these issues. Remember your teenager is starting to enter the adult world, if you simply just tell them these are the rules no matter what they will feel that you are being unfair and they will try to find a way around your rules. If you have a discussion with them about the rules they will feel that their opinions are being respected and they are more likely to feel that the rules are fair and are more likely to follow the rules. It is also a good idea to write a contract with all the things you agreed to. If you write the agreements down and there is a misunderstanding you simply need to refer back to the contract. Also this is another opportunity for you to establish a relationship with your teenager where they feel comfortable enough to come to you and discuss any problems they may be having. You are also role modeling to them how to have an adult discussion and how to negotiate fairly and respectfully with other their people.

Of course you also want to take this opportunity to discuss with your teenager the fact that they are going to be faced with making decisions about alcohol, drugs and sex. This is a good time to provide them with the education they will need in order to cope with these situations. Remind them that information they may receive from their friends may not always be accurate. Furthermore, encourage them that at any time if they have any questions or concerns regarding these matters or any other matters you are always there to listen and to talk with them.

One thing to remember is acronym HALT. I teach this often with anger management, but it helps with communication too.

H - hunger

A - anger

L - lonely 

T - tired

If either one of you are having these feelings, it is generally not a good time to have a discussion. Also if either one of you is feeling like this and you may not be listening to each other. Therefore, if either one of you are having these feelings or don't feel like talking, then it's better to postpone the conversation until you are both ready to talk.

Lastly, remind them that they are starting a brand-new phase in their life and it is normal to feel anxious and stress. Also remind them that these feelings are normal in the beginning but they usually quickly disappear after they have started school.

Sadly, one other subject you may want to discuss is school shootings.  Develop a plan with your teenager about what they would do if there was a shooting at their school.  Also discuss with them what to do if they hear rumors or have concerns about how another student is acting.  Finally, discuss how you can help if they are feeling worried or not safe at school.  It is sad, but this is the world we live in today.  Talking to you teen can help decrease anxiety and help you to maintain open communication with your teenager.

A few things you can do on the first day of classes to help with any anxiety are you can get up in the morning with them and have breakfast with them before they go to school. You can also put a note of encouragement in their backpack that they will find when they are at school and this can help reassure them and remind them how much support they have at home. Finally, you can arrange to be at home when when they get home from their first day of high school so you can talk about it with them. Also plan to have a family dinner to discuss everyone’s first day of school and offer encouragement where needed. These are just a few ideas to help with the transition process.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers.  He has over 20 years experience working with teenagers.  To learn more about  his private practice in Pleasant or the work he has done over 20 years visit his web site at www.RubinoCounseling.com. 

Sudden Changes in Children

From the day a child is born they are developing and changing into the adults they will become.  However, parents often worry about the changes that they notice in their children.  There are numerous things children are exposed as they are growing up so many parents are not sure if they are seeing normal development at times or changes that indicate a serious problems.  This is a very difficult and stressful situation for a parent.  I tend to recommend if you notice sudden personality changes or sudden changes in grades to investigate further.  I read an article by Janes Lehman, MSW which broke the major behavior changes to be concerned about into three incidents which may traumatize a child and cause behavior changes.  I have listed these situations below to help you determine, if your child may be having a problem or if you are just seeing normal development.

Bullying: When Your Child is Targeted as a Victim

Ridicule and rejection, especially in adolescence, can be very, very traumatic for kids. If you live in an urban, suburban or even rural area, often there are groups and bullies in school who hold a lot of sway over the other students. I’m not talking about dangerous gangs with guns like you see on TV—I mean groups of kids who hang out together and target other students as their victims, usually via public ridicule or physical intimidation. And once they target your child as a victim, they are probably putting them down every day. That kind of ridicule becomes extremely powerful for many kids, and you may see their personality change because of it.

If you suspect your child is being bullied, you may see a difference in their grades and their attitude, and you also might see them become much more irritable and easily frustrated. Too many kids don’t talk with anyone about the fact that they’re being picked on. Instead, they withdraw from the world. Their daily life is very painful for them, and so their coping skills become withdrawal and avoidance. Pre-teens who are bullied often won’t want to get dressed in the morning, and you’ll start hearing them say, “I don’t want to go to school.”

If your child is being bullied, you have to put pressure on his or her school administration and the school board. Go to a school board meeting. It’s very important to advocate for your child. Since children have to get an education, keeping them safe should be the school’s first priority. If they’re not doing that job, you need to make a lot of noise. Talk with other parents and get them to put pressure on the school as well. Personally, I think all schools should have a zero tolerance for bullying. From an early age, kids need to be taught what bullying is and how they can deal with it. (For more on bullying, read My Child is Being Bullied—What Should I Do? and The Truth about Bullies)

Substance Abuse: “My Child Just Changed Overnight.”

One of the things parents often described to me in my office was how their child “just changed.” Their kid’s grades went downhill, they became more secretive, they withdrew from family life. Understand that it’s the rapidity of that change that should get our attention and make us curious. In other words, your child will undoubtedly undergo some pretty major changes between the ages of 10 to 18, and adolescents might even change fairly dramatically over any given six-month period. But if substance abuse is involved, behavioral changes can occur very quickly—it might even happen within a week or two. If this is the case, you will see your child stop or resist doing homework, for example. A drop in school grades often shows up first because it’s clear and fairly immediate—your child gets graded on his or her performance in school on a daily basis so the change in their performance is measurable. If one month your child gets an A, and the next month he gets a D, that’s a pretty clear sign that something is going on, especially if you notice his grades going down in all subjects. If he loses interest in things like sports or his old friends, it’s another indication that substance use may be involved.

Usually when kids get involved with substances they start by using them intermittently, on the weekends or at a certain friend’s house. Some kids who use substances stop there and walk away, and get on with their lives. But others experience a sense of relief from the pressures of adolescence when using substances, and those kids are at risk for deeper involvement. Drugs and alcohol become an increasingly primary part of their lives. For example, they’ll stop caring about things they used to care about—it may not matter to them if they’re neatly dressed and groomed anymore. They will go from being concerned about school and willing to work to achieve good grades to saying, “Ah, who cares if it’s an ‘A’ or a ‘B’? The teacher’s an idiot, anyway.” In other words, they start making excuses and justifications for the fact that their grades are falling.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes kids do have a bad experience with a teacher or a hard time with a certain subject. But if that’s the case, you’ll see their grades fall in that specific course—it won’t result in a global, or overall, effect.

Realize that if your child is undergoing a personality change due to substance use, it usually happens globally. You’ll see it with their attitude toward their siblings and toward you. Often you’ll see changes in their honesty. You might have a child who was generally pretty truthful, but then you start noticing that he’s lying more and keeping secrets. Sometimes things begin to go missing around the house. You’ll see your child start to gravitate toward a different type of friend. These kids won’t be achievers. They aren’t the kids who care about their grades or are involved in sports. They aren’t the kids who want to be involved in any sort of family activities. Their primary interest is to party on the weekends and after school.

Sadly, you will see all these changes when substance abuse starts to take over more and more of your child’s life. Eventually, the day comes when if they can’t get high or drink, they don’t feel they have anything worthwhile to do.

If you suspect that your child has a substance abuse problem, I think you need to be very clear in your language to them; let them know that they have to take responsibility for it. If that means going with you to see a professional who can assess them, you have to make your expectation clear. (I recommend that kids in this situation see a qualified substance abuse counselor, preferably one who deals with adolescents.) If your child refuses to go, you can say, “Okay, then kiss your cell phone goodbye. And kiss the computer goodbye too, we’re taking it out of your room. Kiss the car goodbye.” I think you need to be very black and white about your expectation that they take responsibility for this problem. Be strong. I don’t mean that you should be nasty or hostile, and don’t attend all the fights they’ll try to invite you to during this tense time—and believe me, there will probably be many such fights. Just take a stand, state your expectation and stick with it, no matter how much complaining or blaming or arguing they throw at you. This is a fight worth fighting, after all, so you have to try to stay strong.

Sexual Abuse

You will also see a child’s behavior change when they have been sexually abused by a stranger or someone they know. This personality change is often drastic. A child who has been molested often becomes more isolated and withdrawn. Their grades go down and they become more fearful of people and places.

If you ever suspect that your child has been sexually abused, immediately report whatever you know to the police, and have your child seen by medical and mental health professionals right away.

In fact, any time your child’s behavior or personality changes drastically overnight, it’s important to have them evaluated immediately by a professional to rule out any physical reasons for the change, whether it’s from substance abuse, trauma, or the onset of depression or anxiety.

Whether changes in kids are slow or sudden, parents have a hard time with the fact that they can’t protect their children once they leave home in the morning. Once your kids walk out the door, you simply can’t insulate them from the kind of culture that is out there: the violence, the sexualization, and the glamorization of criminal behavior that we see all around us in movies, music and video games.

The rub is that if you fight your child’s need to individuate, you’re fighting their every instinct—and it’s a losing battle. So it’s not whether or not they individuate that you can influence, it’s how they individuate and what the rules of their rebellion are going to be that can make your family life easier. Next week, I’ll tell you about some ways you can use structure, rewards and consequences to ensure that your child stays accountable to the rules in your household. There are no guarantees in life, but as parents, we have to try our best to keep our children on the right path to adulthood.

These are the three main situations to be concerned about and the common changes you see with each.  However, children do not come with owner manuals. Therefore, my recommendation is to follow your parental instincts.  If you feel there is a problem, then arrange to have you child evaluated by a mental health clinician who specializes in assessing and treating children.  It is better to be safe than sorry.  Our world is advancing very quickly and so are situations which can create emotional problems for children.  As a parent you cannot watch you chid 24 hours a day, nor can you know what every little change may indicate.  So don’t put unnecessary stress on yourself.  If you have a concern, seek professional help.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience assessing and treating children and teenagers.  For more information about his work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.