Bullying in the 21st Century

Many kids, despite what they say, really enjoy school. They like seeing their friends, their teachers and learning. However, some kids are not as excited and even worried about going to school.  Many of these kids have been bullied and they are afraid of being bullied again.  October is National Bully Awareness month and these article will provide you with information you need to protect your child from being bullied.  Hopefully, we may even be able to stop bullying.

Often when a child is being bullied they do not say anything to their parents until the bullying is really bad. They are afraid, especially boys, that you will see them as weak.  They are also afraid that you will be disappointed in them for not defending themselves.  Parents you have not said anything or done anything to create this feeling in your child.  Our society teaches children these messages, especially boys. Children receive these messages from television, music, video games about being strong and defending yourself.  This is what the documentary "The Mask You Live In", is trying to address.  It is on Netflix and it might be helpful if you watch it.

It is very important to take bullying very seriously these days.  It is no longer just one kid calling another kid names.  The bullying today occurs at school and may include threats of being killed and it goes beyond school.  Now bullies can continue their bullying via text messages, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat.  So the bullying becomes non-stop.  It can really make someone feel worthless and that they would be better off dead. We have an example of this from a 13 year old boy, on the east coast, who committed suicide because he could not tolerate the bullying any longer.  The boy committed suicide to escape the bullying.  He is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying.  One 15 year old girl committed suicide due to bullying and she left a note to be placed in her obituary.  In the note she asked kids to be kind to each other.  Some kids are turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and we are seeing a significant number of accidental overdosages resulting in teenagers’ deaths.  We assume they were accidents, they could also be suicides staged to look like accidents.

Bullying is not just an elementary school issue. It occurs in High School and College too. Remember a few years back a college student committed suicide because his roommate secretly filmed him in his dorm room with another guy having sex. When the tape was posted on the college’s email for others to see, the boy was so ashamed because he had not made it publicly known that he was gay. He did not know what to do and ended up committing suicide.

As the rates for bullying, suicide and drug use increase with kids in middle school and now beginning in Elementary school, we must take this issue seriously.  I know it is now a very serious problem in Elementary schools because the third leading cause of death for 10 year old children is suicide according to the CDC statistics.

Also a common problem I see elementary children for in psychotherapy is bullying.  Many of these children are embarrassed because they feel they should be able to stop the bullying.  They are also embarrassed and often don't want me to tell their parents because they believe they must of done something to deserve being bullied.  I explain to them they do not deserve it and they should not have to stop it on their own. I also explain that their parents would want to know so they can help them.  I need to emphasize that Mom and Dad won't blame you or be ashamed of you.  It is amazing to see how relaxed these children become when I tell them this about their parents.

What should a parent do?  One thing is parents should watch for the following warning signs that your child is a victim of a bully:

Avoiding activities they used to enjoy

Loss of friends or avoiding social situations

Problems sleeping

Complaining of stomachaches or headaches

Loss of appetite

Declining grades

Missing or damaged clothing or belongings

Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home

If you notice any of these or just have a sense something is wrong then talk to your child.  However, when you talk to your child reassure them they did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with them and you are not upset or disappointed with them.  Try to develop a game plan of how you are going to deal with it together and ask how you can be supportive.  Also ask your child to promise you if they feel really sad like they want to hurt themselves that they will talk to you before they do anything.  You may think this is ridiculous, but I use a no suicide contract with many children that I work with and they honor it.  The contract lets them you know that you care about them.

The other thing you can do as a parent is go to your child's school and ask what is the school's policy on bullying.  You can also ask how the school watches for bullying, how is the policy enforced and what is being done to prevent bullying.  You may ask the school to contact or you can volunteer to contact a group such as Challenge Day.  This is an international organization that addresses bullying and they are located in Concord.  I have seen their work and it is fantastic and kids love it.

Another thing you can do as a parent is start talking to your child about bullying on an occasional basis.  This gives you a chance to let them know it's not their fault and to develop a plan of action if it does occur.  You should also discuss drugs and alcohol at the same time. I work with kids all day long and at times I am still shocked at how young kids are when they are starting to get involved with drugs and alcohol.

Keeping an open line of communication with your child is very important if you want them to come to you.  Research still indicates that children are more likely to turn to their friends when they have a problem.  This is good that they have this emotional support, but their friends don't have the answers or solutions that they need.  Remember it is best to speak to your child when you are in a calm environment and no one else, such as brothers or sisters, are around.  Also remember the word HALT.  It stands for:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

If you sense your child is experiencing any of these feelings it is not a good time to talk.  When you talk with your child you want it to be productive and for your child to feel like they are not being judged.  Therefore, sometimes it is better to put off a conversation so you don't end up in an argument. This is more likely to close the line of communication with your child.

I have mentioned several times that being bullied is not their fault.  What I have seen from working with children who are bullies, abusive men and reviewing the research is that bullies really have very low self-esteem.  In fact many times they lack a sense of themselves.  The only way the feel important or alive is by putting someone else down.  They do this because they are afraid the other kids might be able to figure out how lousy they feel about themselves.  It is often said the best defense is a good offense.  They hope that by acting like the big guy on campus that other people will see them as the big guy and they are able to keep their secret.  Kids usually do this because it was done to them too.

Therefore, we need to remember the bully is usually a kid who has been abused too and is crying out for help.  If we are going to stop the problem of bullying we need programs to help the bullies too.  They are only repeating what they have been taught.

One last comment, I saw a school install a “buddy bench.”  If anyone had been bullied, having a bad day, feeling lonely, all they had to do was sit on the buddy bench.  Another student or teacher would then go over and ask how they could help.  There was no shame associated if you sat on the buddy bench.  It was presented as a brave choice. The school was using it as part of their program to stop bullying at school. This fantastic idea came from a 10 year old student.  Children often have fantastic answers and we need to listen.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children and teenagers. He has over 20 years experience working with children and teens especially those who are victims of trauma.  For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Helping Children Cope with the Current Bomb Situation

This week children have been hearing about how bombs were delivered in the mail to former Presidents Obama and Clinton and others as well.  In addition to hearing about this incident of domestic terrorism, they have also been hearing about school shootings such as the school shooting in Parkland, Florida where 17 students were killed.  Additionally, in June of this year, students heard how someone had threatened to go Valley View Middle School and kill at least 30 students.  So students who were use to these school shootings occurring typically thousands of miles away from us, now could happen in our area based on the threat made on 6/5/18.  This made many students very anxious that the horrific events they have been hearing about could actually happen here and to them.  Now this week they are hearing someone is mailing bombs and for people to be aware of their surroundings because we don’t know if it is over or will more bombs be mailed.  Also they are hearing that a bomb was mailed to a Congresswoman in California.  When you combine these recent events with the number of school shootings which have occurred and it’s no surprise that children are anxious about their safety and their parents safety. and today there was another school shooting. I have been seeing more and more children and teenagers who are complaining of anxiety and depression.  Many of these children and teenagers are also afraid to go to school too.  I have also been seeing more children and  teenagers being placed on home/hospital for school. This means a teacher comes to the house once a week instead of the child or teenager going to school because they are too afraid of being shot at school.  This is an alarming trend.

I have also been hearing more teenagers talking about needing to carry a knife with them for their own safety. They tell me you never know when someone might try to attack you.  These are not juvenile delinquents or gang members, these are average teenagers.  They come from healthy families and are doing well in school and not involved in drugs. This need they feel to protect themselves is an alarming trend.  However, the teenagers are saying they do not feel safe at school and now the incident with the bombs in the mail is exacerbating their anxiety significantly.

However, if you take a step back and look at what these children have seen over their lives it makes sense.  Most of these children and teenagers were very young on 9/11, or were not even born yet, when the United States was attacked.  Since 9/11 they have also seen two wars and heard on the nightly news about numerous terrorist alerts or attacks around the world and here in the United States.  They also hear how the TSA are putting tighter security on travelers and places such as Disneyland are increasing security due to concerns about terrorism.

And now, children and teenagers are hearing how numerous bombs were mailed to people yesterday.  These also are hearing that we do not know who did it and there is a strong possibility that there are more bombs out there and one of the bombs may explode and kill people. 

Teenagers and parents have been asking Congress for sane gun laws so they can go to school safety.  However, their requests have been ignored and school shootings continue.  Therefore, many children and teenagers do not feel safe at school.  Furthermore, the President is blaming the bombing situation on the press and not doing anything to stop it.  In fact, the Time Warner building in New York City is being evacuated again tonight due to a suspicious backpack.  Families were at restaurants having dinner and had to immediately evacuate.  This current bomb threat only serves to add to the anxiety that children and teenagers are feeling.  They do not feel safe at school, restaurants and are anxious about what may be in the mail.  Is their mother or father going to go to work and be killed by a bomb that was delivered to the building they work in. 

In addition to terrorism and bombs, we need to remember this is the first generation growing up with mass shootings.  According to ABC News from 2000 to 2015 there have been 140 mass shootings and since January 1, 2016, there have been more mass shootings than the previous 15 years combined.  According to the statistics on mass shootings every day 36 people are killed in the United States by a gun. This does not include suicides.  For the group we are discussing, suicide is the third leading cause of death for children between 10 and 18 years old and using a gun is one of the most popular methods of suicide.  Also because of school shootings, students have seen increased security on their school campuses.  Many campuses have metal  detectors that students have to pass through as the enter the campus and there are police officers assigned to school sites due to the fear of violence.

  

Now, in addition to these facts stated above, think about what these children see on the news nightly and the video games they play daily.  Anytime there is a shootings incident in the United States, or any where in the world, there is pretty much 24 hour news coverage of the event for days.  Now with the bombs that are being mailed, children are hearing that we have no answers and that there are more bombs out there and one may explode and kill people.  The evacuation of the Time Warner building in New York City again tonight supports this fact that there are more bombs and we do not have the situation under control.  Furthermore, if we look at the video games these kids are playing most have to do with killing and death.  And since computer graphics have significantly improved, many of these games look very realistic.  Therefore, the video games children and teens are playing are adding to their anxiety or worse desensitizing children and teens to violence and death.

As a psychotherapist, I am hearing children in the fourth and fifth grades telling me they are worried about our election results.  They have heard what the President has said and they are afraid about other countries attacking us or that the President may start a war.  Also Hispanic children who are legal citizens are afraid that they will be deported.  This is a great deal for a nine or ten year old child to worry about.

Looking at all of this it begins to make sense why I am seeing more depressed and anxious teenagers who fear for their lives.  These teenagers are being traumatized by daily events occurring in our country.  They may not be experiencing the trauma personally but they are experiencing vicarious trauma.  With all of the pictures on television and news reports and realistic video games these teenagers are playing, they are being traumatized vicariously.  We have never had a generation of children grow up with the amount of trauma that these children are growing up with in the world.  Even children growing up during World War II didn't experience this amount of trauma.  We didn't have instant access to news nor did we have the graphic videos being shown by the news media.

The question now becomes, what do we do?  Well we can not change the world unfortunately. However, we can monitor how much exposure our children are receiving to information about the current bombing situation and mass shootings when they occur.  We can monitor the video games they are playing and limit access to games that focus on violence and killing.  We can demand that the Congress pass gun control laws that make sense.  No one needs an assault weapon to hunt a deer.  We can also listen to what our children are saying and talk to them about their concerns.  We can explain that at Dad’s office or Mom’s office, they are taking extra precautions to make sure their mail is safe. When a mass shooting occurs we can ask them how they are feeling, ask if they have any concerns and reassure them that you are there as their parents to protect them.  Also try to become active by looking at sites by the Red Cross.  Making a donation helps children to feel there is something they can do instead of just being a victim.

Finally, if you start to notice a change of attitude in your child that you are concerned about have  your child assessed by a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children dealing with trauma.  I have included a link to an article by the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry which describes what parents can do http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Talking-To-Children-About-Terrorism-And-War-087.aspx.  There is nothing to be ashamed of if a child needs therapy.  We are exposing children to situations that most adults have problems dealing with themselves. You may find it very upsetting to talk to your child about these incidents.  For these reasons and many more, if you feel your teenager has been traumatized vicariously make an appointment with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers and victims of trauma.  Our kids have had to deal with a lot. We can help make it easier for them growing up in this time by providing the help they need.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and is an expert treating victims of trauma and also performs Critical Incident Debriefing. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com  or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

My Child Does Not Understand Social Situations, Why?

Kids learn to get a majority of the information about their current social situation by reading people’s facial expressions and body language. This starts when they are infants and continues well on into adulthood. In one study, it was determined that more than 70 percent of a child’s perceptions comes from the looks they see on other people’s faces.

However, not every child develops the ability to read social cues. Often, problems emerge for kids who have diagnosed or undiagnosed learning disabilities or behavioral problems that interfere with their developing the ability to accurately read social situations.  Some of these children are on the autism spectrum, some may be oppositional defiant and some we just don’t know why they don’t develop this skill. These kids simply don’t develop the skills to read social situations in the same way that other kids do.

And the misreading of these cues becomes one of the triggers for a lot of the behavioral problems that you see later on. That’s because they’re not getting the same information that the other kids are receiving. Don’t forget, a learning disability is an immature or malfunctioning part of a child’s neurological system. So the same data goes in, but the same solution—or behavior—does not come out.

For kids who have a hard time reading social situations and who tend to act or behave inappropriately, it’s vital that you work on it with them as a parent. If your child lacks these social skills, the good news is that this problem can be fixed. I often work with children in psychotherapy to help them learn why it’s important to understand social cues and help them learn how to read cues.  If they do not understand why it is important, they will not be motivated to try.

While researching how to help children learn how to read social cues, I read some research by James Lehman, MSW.  I like his research because he has the same beliefs that I do and takes the same approach.

Below are some ideas that parents can try with their child to help them learn how to read and understand social cues.

7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn How to Read Social Cues

1. Use Photos to Help Kids Learn Emotions

For younger kids and pre-teens I recommend that you look at pictures of people online with your child. As they look at pictures, ask them to tell you what each person is feeling or thinking by the look on their face.

You can start to train your child that certain looks are connected to certain emotions. You can start to say things like:

“How do you think that person is feeling?”

They might say “Happy.” And you can say:

“Well, I think they’re kind of confused. You see those little lines above their eyes, the way they’re squinting like that. People do that when they’re trying to understand something.”

Teach your child what different looks mean: happy, confused, angry. Practice with them—and when I say practice, I mean repetition and rehearsal. These things have to be ingrained in kids by practicing it as much as possible because that is the most effective way for them to learn.  You can also by a feeling chart which has faces with various emotions so they can practice on their own.

For older kids, remember that your child’s willingness to do this exercise is key. If they’re not willing to do this with you, then forget about it. If they are, sit down with them and look at pictures of teenagers and adults. Have them make up stories about certain faces: show them a picture and ask them to tell you a one-paragraph story about the person. You can also watch a movie together and talk about the characters’ emotions. You can try using a reward in order to get them to work with you on this.

By the way, I’m pretty frank with adolescents when it comes to their inability to read social situations. They don’t like that because they don’t want you to notice any deficit in their personality at all. The key is to associate your comments with something observable and realistic.

I usually say something like this:

“Look Tommy, part of your problem is that when you look at a situation, you don’t see it the same way that most other kids and adults do. When the other kids look at the teacher and the teacher says ‘sit down,’ they all sit down. What they see is a situation where they have to comply. What you see is a situation where you don’t necessarily have to do anything—that it’s up to you. But that’s not accurate, and that’s why you keep getting into trouble at school.”

I follow that up by saying:

“Tommy, if you can work on this with me, the misunderstanding like the one you had with your teacher today never needs to happen again.”

I make it “right size” for the child, not something so huge he can’t tackle, and I put it in terms of his best interests:

“You’ll never have to go through this again after you learn how to do it the right way.”

For most kids, it’s a huge relief.

2. Use Narratives and Roleplays

For younger kids, a good technique is to do a narrative with them. You can say:

“I’m going to walk into the store and I’m going to talk nicely to the sales lady because I want her to be helpful. And even though I might get frustrated if I don’t get the right size, I’m not going to talk to her like I’m angry. I’m going to talk to her respectfully. In the situations where I want somebody to do something for me, the best thing I can do is be polite and respectful.”

And then you role play it with them. You definitely, definitely have to role play—and role model—appropriately with these kids.

For older kids and teens you can do role plays too. As a therapist, I would have them walk into my office four or five times in a row. Just go out and walk right back in. Here’s how to enter a classroom and sit down without aggravating the teacher and getting in trouble.

They’d walk in and I’d say, “Hey, Charlie, how’s it going?” And if they responded inappropriately to me, I’d say, “Wrong. Go back out.” They’d try again and I’d say, “Hey Charlie, how’s it going?” All they needed to do was wave and sit down.

If they said anything rude, it was over. They thought this exercise was silly, but they did it. When they got it right, I’d say:

“Good, that’s the way you do it. Why don’t you try that in class?”

3. Break It Down into Bite-Sized Pieces

Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for all kids. That’s why I recommend that parents use “discrete learning.” That means you break down whatever you’re working on into individual little pieces.

So you can say:

“Today, when we go into the store I want you to try this skill: smile a lot and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.'”

Limit it to one skill or one situation at a time. Be sure to point out the results later.

“Did you see how the waitress smiled back at you and brought you extra fries because you were so polite to her?”

Always tell kids when what they are doing is working. It gives them an incentive to keep trying, just like it does with adults.

4. “Let’s Try an Experiment…”

Another thing you can say to your child is:

“Let’s try an experiment. Why don’t you try this today and see what happens.”

It could be raising their hand before they talk in school or saying “hello” to the teacher when they walk into class. You could also say:

“What would you like to happen today with this person?”

And then role-play how they can make that happen. Connect the new behavior to real things in your child’s life. But again, do it discretely. One thing at a time, one person at a time, one situation at a time, one class at a time.

5. Work with Your Kids: Teach and Coach Them Forward

Social skills are one of the areas where the teaching and coaching roles become very important for parents. Remember, when you take on the teaching role, what you’re really doing is helping your child to learn new skills.

I think it’s okay to say:

“People don’t respond well to you when you ______. “

And then fill in the blank. But that has to be coupled with:

“Why don’t you try _______, instead. Here, let me show you.”

Do a little interview with a short discussion:

“Well, you know, teachers don’t like it when you talk out of turn in class, Maddy. That’s why you got detention. What do you think you can do differently the next time you want to talk out of turn? What can you do to remind yourself that you can’t do that?”

And see what she says. Here’s the key: the next day before school, take your child aside and say and remind her about her plan:

“Remember what you said you were going to do differently today? When the teacher says, ‘Time to take out your books,’ you are going to stop talking to Riley and Jenna and you’re going to listen so you don’t get detention again.”

6. Teach Your Child to “Check Out Perceptions”

It’s important for kids to be able to approach adults when they think they’re in trouble. They should be able to say, “Is something wrong?” or “Did I do something wrong?” When they think their teacher is frowning at them in class, it’s helpful for them to ask that teacher later, “Did I do something wrong today?”

It’s hard to do, but it’s a technique that will help them eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. One of the things that my son learned to say in our house was, “Are we okay?” or “Are you okay?”

After work, I’d be tired most days. And even though I was feeling pretty good, to my son, I looked grumpy and out of sorts. I taught him to ask me, “Are we okay, or did I do something wrong?” And I’d usually say, “Yeah, I’m doing fine, I’m just a little tired.”

We taught him to read us and if he didn’t know what was going on, he learned to check it out. This is very important for kids. The first place they’ll need to learn that skill is with their parents. Then need to learn to say “Is something wrong? Are we okay?”

And it’s important to answer that question because they could be reading disapproval on your face when you have a headache or are anxious about work. Kids personalize things, and from that personalization they learn “self-talk.”

“Self-talk” is how we talk to ourselves all day long. It’s the key to understanding so many behaviors, and the difference between thinking, “I can do this, it will be OK” versus “I’m stupid, they all hate me.” Kids can easily take something the wrong way, and then they start talking to themselves about it.

In the end, they might end up feeling like they can’t make anybody happy. So it’s very important for kids to learn how to check things out at home, especially if they have parents who are hard to read. And that’s certainly also true with teachers and other significant people in their lives.

7. For Kids Who Are Bullied

Although I think kids should learn how to deal with bullies and kids who pick on them, I also think it’s the school’s responsibility to protect kids while they’re in school. The techniques I’m sharing with you in this article are ways to help your child cope, but that does not relieve the school of the responsibility to make sure everybody is safe. As a parent, if your child is being bullied, do not hesitate to call the school. And if your child has been physically harmed, do not hesitate to call the police.

Learning social skills and social cues is especially critical for children who tend to be bullied. The first thing I say to kids who are bullied is:

“You’re not responsible. It’s not your fault. If somebody’s bullying you, they’re the problem.”

The best strategy they can use is called “avoid and escape.” You can break it down for them like this:

“Avoid the people who bully you and situations where you get bullied. If you find yourself in one, escape as soon as you can. Get out of there. You avoid the situation: don’t sit at that lunch table. Or you escape: don’t be the victim. Get up and go to another table.”

If there are unavoidable places your child has to go during the day, like the bathroom or locker room, tell them to get in and out as quickly as they can.

“You ignore the bullies or you try to avoid them. Get a pass from the teacher and go to the bathroom from class.”

Kids also need to learn positive self-talk. They need to be able to say, “This is not my problem. This is the bully’s problem.” And they need to be able to ask for help.

It’s a Solvable Problem

I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the keys. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing.

Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it. Don’t spend a lot of time on why they can’t read social situations well. I would tell kids:

“Not being able to read social situations happens to a lot of kids. That’s why they’re always in trouble. As you become an adult you learn to read this kind of thing better. And some people lag behind. It just doesn’t happen to them as quickly as other people, and that’s OK.”

Remember, if your child is behaving inappropriately, whether it’s a result of a missed social cue or not, you still have to hold him accountable, as well as teach the new skill. Once your child knows how they’re expected to behave, you have to make him responsible for his behavior. And if you can’t hold him responsible, his chances of fully learning the new skill go way down.

If you don’t hold your child accountable, he won’t have any reason to change. After all, you’re asking him to do something different, and “different” is usually perceived as “difficult.” People don’t like to change, so you have to stay on top of it and make sure your child is putting his learning into practice.  It can pay off.  I have worked with many kids in therapy who are having this problem and we have been able to help the majority of them increase their ability to read social cues significantly.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  Many of his patients are oppositional or on the Autistic Spectrum.  For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

The best reward for your child is that he will start to have more success with people in his life immediately and that will translate into better behavior all the way around.

Examining Bullying

We all have heard about kids being bullied at school and about the anti-bullying programs being developed to stop bullying. In fact, the month of October is dedicated to Bully Awareness and to stop bullying.  However, do we really know how severe the problem is?  Research shows that 1 in 4 children are bullied at school.  It also shows that children who are bullied are more likely to do poorly in school, are more likely to become depressed or suicidal, more likely to develop eating disorders and tend not to tell anyone (CDC).  The statistics also indicate that children who are teased in school are more likely to develop emotional problems as an adult (CDC). One surprising statistic is that if another student intervenes while someone is being teased the bullying is likely to end by 51% (CDC).

While we know bullying effects the student being teased, there are interesting statistics about bullies.  Students who bully are more likely to have emotional problems and school problems too (CDC).  The research also shows that students who bully are also more likely to become depressed, suicidal or be involved with violent acts as an adult (CDC).  As we can see the person being bullied and the person bullying are both at higher risk for significant problems as a child and as an adult.  Therefore, it makes sense that we do stop bullying in childhood as soon as it starts.

One statistic I would like to go back to is 51% of bullying tends to stop if another student intervenes.  However, this does not happen often.  I hear many of the children I work with who are bullied tell me that no one ever helps them.  They say that none of their friends or other students get involved. They tell me the other kids look the other way and ignore it.  These children also tell me that they often receive little assistance from their teachers.  They say that if they say something to the teacher often the teacher often ignores what the student reported or blames both students for the problem which provides no help.

This is what I hear from the children who decide to tell someone.  Most children I work with decide not to tell anyone.  They are afraid of people thinking they are weak, "a cry baby", things getting worse and letting their parents down.  They feel their parents will think they should know how to handle the situation and if they don't they will disappoint their parents.  This helps no one and it only helps to perpetuate stereotypes such as all boys and men need to be big and strong physically and fight to prove their manhood.  This type of thinking hurts boys and it hurts girls too who have to grow up with boys who act on this stereotype. Often girls become the victims of the stereotype such as date rape.

There is another issue involved in the bullying situation. It is called the Bystander Effect.  It was first widely described when we were focusing on "road rage," where people felt the permission to be rude or felt no responsibility to get involved in a situation they witnessed.  With "road rage," since the person's identity was protected by their car they felt safe swearing at people or running the person off the road.  In the other situation, people felt like no one could positively identify them it was alright not to speak up when they witnessed someone hurting someone or committing a crime in public.

We have part of this happening in schools.  Students feel that since no one else is saying anything it is okay for them not to say anything.  After all no one else is getting in trouble for not saying anything so how could they get in trouble, therefore it's better to say nothing.

Also we have our politicians bullying people with no consequences.  The President routinely tweets insults or threatens some one via his tweets and no one does anything.  He also encourages physical violence at his rallies.  Last week, he was proud of people body slamming others and said so and demonstrated it.  How do you tell children not to tease or hit, when the President encourages bullying?  I have children confront me with the question all the time? If I’m explaining teasing is not appropriate, they say to me but the President does it.  They see it on the news and online.  This is a difficult question to confront.  I typically point out two wrongs don’t make it right.

The other factor fueling this lack of students speaking up against bullies is the "typical male stereotype."  According to this stereotype if you speak up and tell a teacher you are a "tattle tale" and you might get beat up. Another part of the stereotype is if you speak up then you just made yourself the same as the kid being teased so you will be teased.  Students who are being teased are usually viewed as the "weird kid" and no one wants to be labeled the "weird kid" so most kids will say nothing about another student who is being teased.

Think back to when you were in school.  There was that one kid who was labeled "weird" and teased, but did you say anything?  Most likely not.  You did not want to be associated with the "weird kid" and risk getting teased, getting beat up or losing friends.  So instead of saying anything, you did what most other kids did, you said and did nothing.  All this did was help keep the male stereotype alive and allowing bullying to continue.

Therefore, in my opinion if we want to eliminate bullying, we need to start working with are children.  We need to teach boys and girls that this old "male stereotype" is wrong and to ignore it.  We need to teach our children if you notice or are aware of someone doing something to hurt someone else or someone else's property, they have an obligation to speak up and if you don't you are as guilty as the person who did it.  You need to explain that they are just as guilty because by not saying anything you are allowing the bullying to happen and continue.  Some parents may say I am going to far, but if you are aware of a crime such as an assault and saying nothing, you can be charged as an a compliance. By not saying anything, you allowed a crime to occur and you can be punished. Therefore it's good to teach our children this lesson early.

As I started this article out with various statistics about bullying, it is obvious bullying is very serious.  It is something that we need to address and to address it and help everyone, we need to work together.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes as a psychotherapist for children and teenagers with over 20 years experience. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work or his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or on Twitter at @RubinoTherapy