Suicide and the Holidays

The Holiday Season is just around the corner.  Many people assume the Holidays and depression go together.  In addition to assuming the Holidays and depression go together, people assume that suicide rates increase during this time of year.  Well according to the statistics from the CDC, suicide rates actually drop during the Holiday Season.  The study by the CDC is not sure why they drop but they do.  May be they drop because during this time of year we pay more attention to depression and suicide.  There are a number of ads and social media posts where people can call if they feel suicidal.

What the CDC did find is that loneliness increases during this time of year.  During the Holidays there are songs and plenty of television shows regarding getting together with family and friends.  You also have people talking about all the Christmas parties that they have to go to.  However, this is not the case for everyone.

If you are a military family, a loved one may be stationed overseas and won't be home for Christmas.  Also during the year some close friends or loved ones may have died during the year.  It is during this time when most people are talking about family and friends that you remember the people you have lost over the year.  The first Holiday Season without a close loved one or friend can be very difficult.  You may not feeling like celebrating or you may have to change Holiday traditions which can make some one feel sad and lonely.

Another common difficulty during this time of year is money.  Many people feel like they need to spend a great deal of money to show love.  They may just be able to pay their monthly bills and cannot afford Holiday gifts.  Why do we need to spend money to show that we care?  What if you write a letter to someone telling them how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them.  Isn't that the real purpose of the Holiday Season?  Isn't this the time of year we take to tell people in our lives how much we appreciate them.  Also it's an opportunity to tell people we tend to ignore, people sleeping on the street or who are dealing with mental illness that they are important too?

As a psychotherapist, I have seen that people dealing with mental illness feel lonely and out of place during this time of year.  They don't often feel the joy of the season.  Sometimes they struggle just to make it through the day.  Also mental illness is something we don't discuss as a society. We tend to act like it doesn't exist so we ignore the issue.  Also since it is an uncomfortable issue for many people the feelings of shame and embarrassment become associated with mental illness.  This makes it less likely for people dealing with it or families who have a family member dealing with it to talk about it or seek help.  This can make people feel lonely and isolated especially during this time of year.

We seldom acknowledge the daily struggle that people and families dealing with mental illness go through on a daily basis.  It is important to acknowledge that mental illness is not a weakness it is a medical condition.  There is no reason to look down on someone with mental illness.  We offer encouragement and support to people with cancer, why can't we do the same for people with mental illness?

I have included a link to a video where a teenager discusses dealing with depression https://youtu.be/dAzqGcOLXBs.  Listen to what he has to say and answer the question, does he deserve to be looked down upon because he is depressed?

Also remember the Holidays can be a lonely time for people.  So if you see someone who looks like they are having a hard time or know someone who is struggling during this season, try to help.  Do something kind for them.  Another thing to remember, being kind to people should be a year round activity for all of us.  We should not just be kind during the Holidays.  If we try to be kind all year, we may be able to decrease how many people feel lonely and depressed.  Also if we are kind and offering support year round may be we can eliminate the negative stereotype associated with mental health.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating depression and suicide especially depressed and suicidal children and teenagers.  For more information about Dr. Rubino visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3     

My Teenager’s Room is A Disaster, What Do I Do?

An issue that comes up daily with teenagers in psychotherapy is their bedroom.  Many parents tell me that their teenager’s bedroom is like a junk yard.  Parents are embarrassed by the bedroom and feel the teenager is being disrespectful.  Many parents ask me should they demand that their teenager clean their bedroom.  Also many parents ask about is it appropriate if they search their teenager’s bedroom.  Let’s deal with this one issue at a time.

Parents it is very important to remember to pick and choose your battles.  There are a lot of issues you will need to discuss with your teenager.  Therefore, it is important to ask, is it worth an argument?  Teenagers are at a point in their life where they do need their privacy.  They are also at a point where they are trying to find their own identity.  Their bedroom is a place they use for part of this process.  Also you want your teenager to learn responsibility.  Their room is something they can be responsible for.

My recommendation is not to make an issue of their bedroom.  You have more important issues such as school, how late your teen wants to stay out, where they want to go and the common issues of alcohol, drugs and sexual activity.  Therefore, their bedroom really is a minor issue.  In my opinion it is not worth the fight.  Arguing about their bedroom, which they view as their private space, can lead to bigger problems with some of the other issues I listed above.  Also remember these are only some of the issues you will need to set guidelines and expectations about your teenager’s behavior.  This is why I strongly recommend leaving the bedroom alone.

Many parents ask me, “then I should just let them live in a junk yard?”  The answer is yes. However, there are some guidelines I do set with teenagers.  I tell them that Mom and Dad are not going to clean their room as long as they comply with the following guidelines:

1. The bedroom door must be able to be closed so no one else has to look at the mess.
2. People can walk by the room without smelling anything such as rotting food.
3. There are no ants or bugs going into or coming out of the room.
4. They do not keep dishes in their room so Mom has dishes when she needs them.
5. They are responsible for getting their clothes out of the room and cleaned.  They are also            responsible for putting away their laundry.

If they do not follow these guidelines, then they are giving Mom and Dad permission to go in and clean the room as they see fit.  I ask the teenager and parents to both agree to these guidelines.  I also recommend writing down the guidelines.  Therefore, two months from now if someone remembers the agreement differently, you have a document you can refer back to which states what everyone agreed to.

Therefore, I recommend to parents if their teenager can agree to these guidelines, let them live in a junkyard.  If they forget to get their clothes to the washer then they will be the one wearing dirty clothes.  This is helping them to learn responsibility.  It also gives them a sense of independence which they need.

I remind teenagers, if you do not want Mom and Dad cleaning their room then they need to abide by the guidelines.  I also remind them it is their responsibility to get their clothes to the washer.  If they don’t then they will be wearing dirty clothes to school.  I also remind them that they cannot stay home from school because they do not have any clean clothes.  I am basically telling the teenager that their parents and I feel they are responsible enough to take care of their room.  This again helps the teen feel more mature and understand that they have to start assuming more responsibility for theirselves.

Now for the next issue, searching your teenager’s room.  I do not think it is something parents should do on a regular basis just because their child is a teenager.  As parents you have a responsibility to make sure you are raising a responsible young adult and if they need help, you have an obligation to provide them with the help they need.  Therefore, if you have valid reasons to believe your teenager is using drugs or alcohol on a regular basis, then yes search the room.  A valid reason would be noticing the smell of marijuana on their clothes or coming from their room.  Finding marijuana or alcohol bottles in their backpack or car that they use.  Other signs could be changes in their behavior and grades that are associated with drug use.  However, before searching the room, I would recommend when your child enters middle school that you discuss with your child about the conditions which would make you search their room.  If you feel it is necessary, tell your teen that you will be searching their room.  Obviously, you do not tell them a week a head of time so they can hide things.  I suggest you calmly inform them when they are home that you will be starting to search their room in a few minutes.  It is important you explain the reasons why you are searching their room.

Parents may be concerned about an argument.  This may start an argument, but this argument is worth it.  Remind your teen about the agreement the two of you had made about searching their room.  If you feel your teenager is not mature enough to abide by the agreement and is likely to start a physical fight, then you do not tell them and search it when they are out of the house.  Remember you are only searching the room if you feel your teen is having a serious problem and need professional help.  As a parent, it is your responsibility to get them help when they need it.  You will want to remember this fact because your teenager may be very angry with you.  However, it is better to have an angry teenager than a dead teenager.  Many of the drugs teens are using today can kill someone very quickly and teenagers are not usually aware of all the risks.

Therefore, in general respect the privacy of your teenager’s bedroom, however, if you notice signs that indicate your teen is having difficulties then search the room.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience as a psychotherapist who teats teenagers and children.  For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino 3.

Yes Your IEP is Valid at Your College

Working with children and adolescents I have had many parents ask about 504 plans and Individual Educational Plans (IEP).  Parents tend to focus on the assistance their child may need in elementary or high school due to a learning disability or mental health issues.  From my 20 years experience as a psychotherapist, what I have seen is that if a child need assistance in elementary and high school, they typically need assistance in college. 

From my experience, most families assume there is no assistance in college.  However, typically if a child has an IEP, they are also entitled to assistance in college.  Most colleges in their Counseling departments have programs designed to help disabled students.  A student with a physical or learning disability or mental health issue such as ADHD or depression would qualify for assistance by the Disabled Students Program at a college.  I have recently been receiving many questions from Parents about what happens to their child’s IEP when the go to college and questions from parents who have college freshmen asking about their child’s IEP.  Therefore, I thought it would be beneficial to provide information about how IEPs are handled by colleges.  This was in a previous article, but it appears this information is needed again.

First, if you live in California and you have a physical or learning disability or a mental health issue and had an IEP while in school, you may qualify to be a client of the California Department of Rehabilitation.  This Department is responsible for assisting people in California  ,with a disability, find a job and get the education they may need to find a job.  The Department may assist their clients by providing tuition assistance for community or state colleges and provide financial assistance to buy text books and school supplies.  What they are able to do depends on the State budget.

This is another reason for parents to insist when their child does need an IEP that the school district places the child on an IEP.  The lies schools tell parents that an IEP will prevent their child from getting into a college, the military or getting a job is not true.  Another reason to insist on the IEP, if your child qualifies for an IEP, is because your child can be granted accommodations on the SAT or ACT that students need to take when they apply for college.  I have had many teens with ADHD come to me seeking accommodations on the SAT or ACT.  A common requirement that the testing boards require is that a student needs to have had an IEP if they are seeking accommodations on these tests.

Therefore, many students who have disabilities or mental health issues can receive assistance in college.  While many people may be surprised, it is true.  However, for many college students finding the assistance can be confusing and overwhelming. For a Freshman in college dealing with heath or mental health issues the confusion and embarrassment people deal with because of society stereotypes can cause students to give up.  However, I was contacted by bettercollege.com with a resource guide they developed for college students with mental health issues.  While their guide was created for students with mental health issues, it can also be used as a guide for students with physical or learning disabilities.

Since I feel this is a valuable guide to Freshman students and their families, I am including a link to this resource guide below:

Guide to College Planning for Psychiatrically Impaired Students - https://www.bestcolleges.com/resources/college-planning-with-psychiatric-disabilities/

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience working with children, teenagers and college students.  For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work and private practice visit one of his web sites www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.     

Parenting a Teenager who is Oppositional

I work with many children and teenagers who have oppositional behavior and many who are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Behavior.  The parents of these children have a common struggle.  The struggle is a struggle for control and how much they should try to control their child.  This is a difficult issue because our society doesn’t discuss this issue and tends to blame the parents for their child’s behavior.  James Lehman, MSW, has researched this issue and has come to the same conclusion.  He uses similar techniques and I have included some of his information too. In order to understand this issue, let’s explore it.

Pressure from Society

Let’s face it, our society puts two competing messages out there. On the one hand, there’s a high value placed on individuality and standing out from the crowd. Yet on the other hand, when our young people do make choices that aren’t consistent with the norm, there’s often a backlash and pressure to conform. And when a child or teen refuses to conform, the pressure is put on parents to make the child follow the path others believe is the right one.

Fear

Parents at times are terrified of what will happen if they don’t control their kids. What if she makes bad decisions? What will happen to my child? Will she survive?

But think back to your own childhood. We all had to learn some life lessons along the way. Some made us stronger. Some left scars. But we learned and we survived.

But for some reason, we believe our kids will surely meet with disaster. We picture our child heading a hundred miles an hour down the wrong road (one that’s a dead end ) and we’re standing in front of her, terrified and trying to save her from herself.

To Win the Tug-of-War

Sometimes we find ourselves in a dispute with our child and, before we know it, we’re in a full-blown battle of wills. And we become determined to win.

It’s not something we recognize consciously, but underneath our own actions is the belief that to let go of control is to give in to our child. We continue to act in an effort to gain control over our child’s behavior. And he becomes just as determined to keep that control.

Who’s going to win in the end? No one. But our child will have the ultimate control over his behavior. Why? Because he physically has control over his own body, his own actions, and his own thoughts.

It’s Human Nature

Take a day and pay attention to the idea of control as it relates to yourself and those around you. Listen to conversations. How often do you advise people on what they should do? How frequently do others share their suggestions on what you should do? How often do we hear this in the media? Do this. Don’t do that. It’s everywhere.

Most of us know an Aunt Edna who just loves to tell people how things should be. It’s human nature to try and direct things. Often we truly believe we know what’s best for that other person and maybe we do. But maybe we don’t.

Parents often believe it’s our role—indeed, our responsibility—to control our children. But, unless you use physical force, it’s impossible to control another human being unless they allow you to do so.

You can threaten, bribe, reward, beg, guilt and shame that other person into doing what you believe is best. However, the only way to influence another person’s behavior is if they allow you to influence it. It doesn’t matter whether they’re eight, eighteen or eighty years old.

Giving Up the Need to Control Doesn’t Mean You’re Giving In

In reality, once we let go of trying to control our child’s behavior and choices, we actually gain much more power. Fighting every day with someone whose main purpose is to avoid being controlled will leave you feeling exhausted, angry, frustrated, embarrassed and ashamed.

In contrast, putting energy into what you can control leaves you feeling empowered, confident and stronger. Believe it or not, there’s actually more you can control than can’t. If you feel out of control, you’re probably trying to control the wrong things!

It’s our job as parents to provide an environment that allows our child to learn lessons that will prepare him for the world. To prepare him not only to survive, but to thrive. Everything we do as parents comes back to this guiding principle.

We control providing food, clothing, and shelter to our child. We control whether or not we show our child how to cope and deal with conflict, adversity, and life’s challenges. And we control whether or not we allow him to experience consequences for the choices he makes. However, whether or not that child chooses to learn from those life lessons to is ultimately up to him.

5 Things You Can and Can’t Control as a Parent

1. Expectations

You can control whether or not your child knows what your expectations are.

“Johnny, my expectation is that you will handle your anger without physical violence.”

2. Opportunities

You can control whether or not you give your child the opportunity to meet expectations.

“Johnny, if you find you’re getting angry, it’s okay to walk away, go listen to music, talk to your friend on the phone to blow off steam, whatever will help you release some of that anger and we can talk again later.”

3. Consequences

You can control whether or not your child knows what the potential consequences will be if he chooses not to meet your expectation.

“Johnny, you’re fifteen years old. If you hit me when you’re angry, that’s domestic violence. If it happens again, I will call the police. I would hate to see that happen, so I hope you choose to handle your anger without getting physical.”

4. Your Own Behavior

You can control your own behavior. When you get angry, you can model for your child how to cope effectively without using physical violence. You can walk away or practice other effective coping skills when you get angry yourself.

5. Your Child’s Behavior

You can NOT control your child’s behavior. You can’t control whether or not he behaves in a physically aggressive way when he’s angry. Your power does not lie in the arguing, defending, and power struggles that tend to go hand-in-hand with attempts to control an ODD child.

Instead, your power lies in what you can control—your own behavior. Just as you can’t control your child, he can’t control you either. Some days it may feel like he can. But he can’t.

Easier Said Than Done

We know some people will read this article and think, “Parents should control their children.” It’s tempting to judge parents of ODD children on what they should and shouldn’t do.

But until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, it’s difficult to know the pain and shame that comes from parenting a child who simply will not be controlled.

For ODD children, being controlled feels as if they’re drowning. They will fight tooth and nail to keep control, arguing and outright refusing to comply with an authority figure’s directives.

We can spend time as a society judging that child and talking about how they ought to behave. Or we can accept that our world has always had rebels—those who will take the path less traveled, even if it’s a path filled with bumps and potholes. And we can support the parents of those individuals in their own journey, without blame or shame.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  He does specialize in treating children and teens who have ODD and ADHD.  For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3. 

Bullying in the 21st Century

Many kids, despite what they say, really enjoy school. They like seeing their friends, their teachers and learning. However, some kids are not as excited and even worried about going to school.  Many of these kids have been bullied and they are afraid of being bullied again.  October is National Bully Awareness month and these article will provide you with information you need to protect your child from being bullied.  Hopefully, we may even be able to stop bullying.

Often when a child is being bullied they do not say anything to their parents until the bullying is really bad. They are afraid, especially boys, that you will see them as weak.  They are also afraid that you will be disappointed in them for not defending themselves.  Parents you have not said anything or done anything to create this feeling in your child.  Our society teaches children these messages, especially boys. Children receive these messages from television, music, video games about being strong and defending yourself.  This is what the documentary "The Mask You Live In", is trying to address.  It is on Netflix and it might be helpful if you watch it.

It is very important to take bullying very seriously these days.  It is no longer just one kid calling another kid names.  The bullying today occurs at school and may include threats of being killed and it goes beyond school.  Now bullies can continue their bullying via text messages, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat.  So the bullying becomes non-stop.  It can really make someone feel worthless and that they would be better off dead. We have an example of this from a 13 year old boy, on the east coast, who committed suicide because he could not tolerate the bullying any longer.  The boy committed suicide to escape the bullying.  He is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying.  One 15 year old girl committed suicide due to bullying and she left a note to be placed in her obituary.  In the note she asked kids to be kind to each other.  Some kids are turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and we are seeing a significant number of accidental overdosages resulting in teenagers’ deaths.  We assume they were accidents, they could also be suicides staged to look like accidents.

Bullying is not just an elementary school issue. It occurs in High School and College too. Remember a few years back a college student committed suicide because his roommate secretly filmed him in his dorm room with another guy having sex. When the tape was posted on the college’s email for others to see, the boy was so ashamed because he had not made it publicly known that he was gay. He did not know what to do and ended up committing suicide.

As the rates for bullying, suicide and drug use increase with kids in middle school and now beginning in Elementary school, we must take this issue seriously.  I know it is now a very serious problem in Elementary schools because the third leading cause of death for 10 year old children is suicide according to the CDC statistics.

Also a common problem I see elementary children for in psychotherapy is bullying.  Many of these children are embarrassed because they feel they should be able to stop the bullying.  They are also embarrassed and often don't want me to tell their parents because they believe they must of done something to deserve being bullied.  I explain to them they do not deserve it and they should not have to stop it on their own. I also explain that their parents would want to know so they can help them.  I need to emphasize that Mom and Dad won't blame you or be ashamed of you.  It is amazing to see how relaxed these children become when I tell them this about their parents.

What should a parent do?  One thing is parents should watch for the following warning signs that your child is a victim of a bully:

Avoiding activities they used to enjoy

Loss of friends or avoiding social situations

Problems sleeping

Complaining of stomachaches or headaches

Loss of appetite

Declining grades

Missing or damaged clothing or belongings

Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home

If you notice any of these or just have a sense something is wrong then talk to your child.  However, when you talk to your child reassure them they did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with them and you are not upset or disappointed with them.  Try to develop a game plan of how you are going to deal with it together and ask how you can be supportive.  Also ask your child to promise you if they feel really sad like they want to hurt themselves that they will talk to you before they do anything.  You may think this is ridiculous, but I use a no suicide contract with many children that I work with and they honor it.  The contract lets them you know that you care about them.

The other thing you can do as a parent is go to your child's school and ask what is the school's policy on bullying.  You can also ask how the school watches for bullying, how is the policy enforced and what is being done to prevent bullying.  You may ask the school to contact or you can volunteer to contact a group such as Challenge Day.  This is an international organization that addresses bullying and they are located in Concord.  I have seen their work and it is fantastic and kids love it.

Another thing you can do as a parent is start talking to your child about bullying on an occasional basis.  This gives you a chance to let them know it's not their fault and to develop a plan of action if it does occur.  You should also discuss drugs and alcohol at the same time. I work with kids all day long and at times I am still shocked at how young kids are when they are starting to get involved with drugs and alcohol.

Keeping an open line of communication with your child is very important if you want them to come to you.  Research still indicates that children are more likely to turn to their friends when they have a problem.  This is good that they have this emotional support, but their friends don't have the answers or solutions that they need.  Remember it is best to speak to your child when you are in a calm environment and no one else, such as brothers or sisters, are around.  Also remember the word HALT.  It stands for:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

If you sense your child is experiencing any of these feelings it is not a good time to talk.  When you talk with your child you want it to be productive and for your child to feel like they are not being judged.  Therefore, sometimes it is better to put off a conversation so you don't end up in an argument. This is more likely to close the line of communication with your child.

I have mentioned several times that being bullied is not their fault.  What I have seen from working with children who are bullies, abusive men and reviewing the research is that bullies really have very low self-esteem.  In fact many times they lack a sense of themselves.  The only way the feel important or alive is by putting someone else down.  They do this because they are afraid the other kids might be able to figure out how lousy they feel about themselves.  It is often said the best defense is a good offense.  They hope that by acting like the big guy on campus that other people will see them as the big guy and they are able to keep their secret.  Kids usually do this because it was done to them too.

Therefore, we need to remember the bully is usually a kid who has been abused too and is crying out for help.  If we are going to stop the problem of bullying we need programs to help the bullies too.  They are only repeating what they have been taught.

One last comment, I saw a school install a “buddy bench.”  If anyone had been bullied, having a bad day, feeling lonely, all they had to do was sit on the buddy bench.  Another student or teacher would then go over and ask how they could help.  There was no shame associated if you sat on the buddy bench.  It was presented as a brave choice. The school was using it as part of their program to stop bullying at school. This fantastic idea came from a 10 year old student.  Children often have fantastic answers and we need to listen.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children and teenagers. He has over 20 years experience working with children and teens especially those who are victims of trauma.  For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Helping Children Cope with the Current Bomb Situation

This week children have been hearing about how bombs were delivered in the mail to former Presidents Obama and Clinton and others as well.  In addition to hearing about this incident of domestic terrorism, they have also been hearing about school shootings such as the school shooting in Parkland, Florida where 17 students were killed.  Additionally, in June of this year, students heard how someone had threatened to go Valley View Middle School and kill at least 30 students.  So students who were use to these school shootings occurring typically thousands of miles away from us, now could happen in our area based on the threat made on 6/5/18.  This made many students very anxious that the horrific events they have been hearing about could actually happen here and to them.  Now this week they are hearing someone is mailing bombs and for people to be aware of their surroundings because we don’t know if it is over or will more bombs be mailed.  Also they are hearing that a bomb was mailed to a Congresswoman in California.  When you combine these recent events with the number of school shootings which have occurred and it’s no surprise that children are anxious about their safety and their parents safety. and today there was another school shooting. I have been seeing more and more children and teenagers who are complaining of anxiety and depression.  Many of these children and teenagers are also afraid to go to school too.  I have also been seeing more children and  teenagers being placed on home/hospital for school. This means a teacher comes to the house once a week instead of the child or teenager going to school because they are too afraid of being shot at school.  This is an alarming trend.

I have also been hearing more teenagers talking about needing to carry a knife with them for their own safety. They tell me you never know when someone might try to attack you.  These are not juvenile delinquents or gang members, these are average teenagers.  They come from healthy families and are doing well in school and not involved in drugs. This need they feel to protect themselves is an alarming trend.  However, the teenagers are saying they do not feel safe at school and now the incident with the bombs in the mail is exacerbating their anxiety significantly.

However, if you take a step back and look at what these children have seen over their lives it makes sense.  Most of these children and teenagers were very young on 9/11, or were not even born yet, when the United States was attacked.  Since 9/11 they have also seen two wars and heard on the nightly news about numerous terrorist alerts or attacks around the world and here in the United States.  They also hear how the TSA are putting tighter security on travelers and places such as Disneyland are increasing security due to concerns about terrorism.

And now, children and teenagers are hearing how numerous bombs were mailed to people yesterday.  These also are hearing that we do not know who did it and there is a strong possibility that there are more bombs out there and one of the bombs may explode and kill people. 

Teenagers and parents have been asking Congress for sane gun laws so they can go to school safety.  However, their requests have been ignored and school shootings continue.  Therefore, many children and teenagers do not feel safe at school.  Furthermore, the President is blaming the bombing situation on the press and not doing anything to stop it.  In fact, the Time Warner building in New York City is being evacuated again tonight due to a suspicious backpack.  Families were at restaurants having dinner and had to immediately evacuate.  This current bomb threat only serves to add to the anxiety that children and teenagers are feeling.  They do not feel safe at school, restaurants and are anxious about what may be in the mail.  Is their mother or father going to go to work and be killed by a bomb that was delivered to the building they work in. 

In addition to terrorism and bombs, we need to remember this is the first generation growing up with mass shootings.  According to ABC News from 2000 to 2015 there have been 140 mass shootings and since January 1, 2016, there have been more mass shootings than the previous 15 years combined.  According to the statistics on mass shootings every day 36 people are killed in the United States by a gun. This does not include suicides.  For the group we are discussing, suicide is the third leading cause of death for children between 10 and 18 years old and using a gun is one of the most popular methods of suicide.  Also because of school shootings, students have seen increased security on their school campuses.  Many campuses have metal  detectors that students have to pass through as the enter the campus and there are police officers assigned to school sites due to the fear of violence.

  

Now, in addition to these facts stated above, think about what these children see on the news nightly and the video games they play daily.  Anytime there is a shootings incident in the United States, or any where in the world, there is pretty much 24 hour news coverage of the event for days.  Now with the bombs that are being mailed, children are hearing that we have no answers and that there are more bombs out there and one may explode and kill people.  The evacuation of the Time Warner building in New York City again tonight supports this fact that there are more bombs and we do not have the situation under control.  Furthermore, if we look at the video games these kids are playing most have to do with killing and death.  And since computer graphics have significantly improved, many of these games look very realistic.  Therefore, the video games children and teens are playing are adding to their anxiety or worse desensitizing children and teens to violence and death.

As a psychotherapist, I am hearing children in the fourth and fifth grades telling me they are worried about our election results.  They have heard what the President has said and they are afraid about other countries attacking us or that the President may start a war.  Also Hispanic children who are legal citizens are afraid that they will be deported.  This is a great deal for a nine or ten year old child to worry about.

Looking at all of this it begins to make sense why I am seeing more depressed and anxious teenagers who fear for their lives.  These teenagers are being traumatized by daily events occurring in our country.  They may not be experiencing the trauma personally but they are experiencing vicarious trauma.  With all of the pictures on television and news reports and realistic video games these teenagers are playing, they are being traumatized vicariously.  We have never had a generation of children grow up with the amount of trauma that these children are growing up with in the world.  Even children growing up during World War II didn't experience this amount of trauma.  We didn't have instant access to news nor did we have the graphic videos being shown by the news media.

The question now becomes, what do we do?  Well we can not change the world unfortunately. However, we can monitor how much exposure our children are receiving to information about the current bombing situation and mass shootings when they occur.  We can monitor the video games they are playing and limit access to games that focus on violence and killing.  We can demand that the Congress pass gun control laws that make sense.  No one needs an assault weapon to hunt a deer.  We can also listen to what our children are saying and talk to them about their concerns.  We can explain that at Dad’s office or Mom’s office, they are taking extra precautions to make sure their mail is safe. When a mass shooting occurs we can ask them how they are feeling, ask if they have any concerns and reassure them that you are there as their parents to protect them.  Also try to become active by looking at sites by the Red Cross.  Making a donation helps children to feel there is something they can do instead of just being a victim.

Finally, if you start to notice a change of attitude in your child that you are concerned about have  your child assessed by a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children dealing with trauma.  I have included a link to an article by the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry which describes what parents can do http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Talking-To-Children-About-Terrorism-And-War-087.aspx.  There is nothing to be ashamed of if a child needs therapy.  We are exposing children to situations that most adults have problems dealing with themselves. You may find it very upsetting to talk to your child about these incidents.  For these reasons and many more, if you feel your teenager has been traumatized vicariously make an appointment with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers and victims of trauma.  Our kids have had to deal with a lot. We can help make it easier for them growing up in this time by providing the help they need.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and is an expert treating victims of trauma and also performs Critical Incident Debriefing. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com  or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

My Child Does Not Understand Social Situations, Why?

Kids learn to get a majority of the information about their current social situation by reading people’s facial expressions and body language. This starts when they are infants and continues well on into adulthood. In one study, it was determined that more than 70 percent of a child’s perceptions comes from the looks they see on other people’s faces.

However, not every child develops the ability to read social cues. Often, problems emerge for kids who have diagnosed or undiagnosed learning disabilities or behavioral problems that interfere with their developing the ability to accurately read social situations.  Some of these children are on the autism spectrum, some may be oppositional defiant and some we just don’t know why they don’t develop this skill. These kids simply don’t develop the skills to read social situations in the same way that other kids do.

And the misreading of these cues becomes one of the triggers for a lot of the behavioral problems that you see later on. That’s because they’re not getting the same information that the other kids are receiving. Don’t forget, a learning disability is an immature or malfunctioning part of a child’s neurological system. So the same data goes in, but the same solution—or behavior—does not come out.

For kids who have a hard time reading social situations and who tend to act or behave inappropriately, it’s vital that you work on it with them as a parent. If your child lacks these social skills, the good news is that this problem can be fixed. I often work with children in psychotherapy to help them learn why it’s important to understand social cues and help them learn how to read cues.  If they do not understand why it is important, they will not be motivated to try.

While researching how to help children learn how to read social cues, I read some research by James Lehman, MSW.  I like his research because he has the same beliefs that I do and takes the same approach.

Below are some ideas that parents can try with their child to help them learn how to read and understand social cues.

7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn How to Read Social Cues

1. Use Photos to Help Kids Learn Emotions

For younger kids and pre-teens I recommend that you look at pictures of people online with your child. As they look at pictures, ask them to tell you what each person is feeling or thinking by the look on their face.

You can start to train your child that certain looks are connected to certain emotions. You can start to say things like:

“How do you think that person is feeling?”

They might say “Happy.” And you can say:

“Well, I think they’re kind of confused. You see those little lines above their eyes, the way they’re squinting like that. People do that when they’re trying to understand something.”

Teach your child what different looks mean: happy, confused, angry. Practice with them—and when I say practice, I mean repetition and rehearsal. These things have to be ingrained in kids by practicing it as much as possible because that is the most effective way for them to learn.  You can also by a feeling chart which has faces with various emotions so they can practice on their own.

For older kids, remember that your child’s willingness to do this exercise is key. If they’re not willing to do this with you, then forget about it. If they are, sit down with them and look at pictures of teenagers and adults. Have them make up stories about certain faces: show them a picture and ask them to tell you a one-paragraph story about the person. You can also watch a movie together and talk about the characters’ emotions. You can try using a reward in order to get them to work with you on this.

By the way, I’m pretty frank with adolescents when it comes to their inability to read social situations. They don’t like that because they don’t want you to notice any deficit in their personality at all. The key is to associate your comments with something observable and realistic.

I usually say something like this:

“Look Tommy, part of your problem is that when you look at a situation, you don’t see it the same way that most other kids and adults do. When the other kids look at the teacher and the teacher says ‘sit down,’ they all sit down. What they see is a situation where they have to comply. What you see is a situation where you don’t necessarily have to do anything—that it’s up to you. But that’s not accurate, and that’s why you keep getting into trouble at school.”

I follow that up by saying:

“Tommy, if you can work on this with me, the misunderstanding like the one you had with your teacher today never needs to happen again.”

I make it “right size” for the child, not something so huge he can’t tackle, and I put it in terms of his best interests:

“You’ll never have to go through this again after you learn how to do it the right way.”

For most kids, it’s a huge relief.

2. Use Narratives and Roleplays

For younger kids, a good technique is to do a narrative with them. You can say:

“I’m going to walk into the store and I’m going to talk nicely to the sales lady because I want her to be helpful. And even though I might get frustrated if I don’t get the right size, I’m not going to talk to her like I’m angry. I’m going to talk to her respectfully. In the situations where I want somebody to do something for me, the best thing I can do is be polite and respectful.”

And then you role play it with them. You definitely, definitely have to role play—and role model—appropriately with these kids.

For older kids and teens you can do role plays too. As a therapist, I would have them walk into my office four or five times in a row. Just go out and walk right back in. Here’s how to enter a classroom and sit down without aggravating the teacher and getting in trouble.

They’d walk in and I’d say, “Hey, Charlie, how’s it going?” And if they responded inappropriately to me, I’d say, “Wrong. Go back out.” They’d try again and I’d say, “Hey Charlie, how’s it going?” All they needed to do was wave and sit down.

If they said anything rude, it was over. They thought this exercise was silly, but they did it. When they got it right, I’d say:

“Good, that’s the way you do it. Why don’t you try that in class?”

3. Break It Down into Bite-Sized Pieces

Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for all kids. That’s why I recommend that parents use “discrete learning.” That means you break down whatever you’re working on into individual little pieces.

So you can say:

“Today, when we go into the store I want you to try this skill: smile a lot and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.'”

Limit it to one skill or one situation at a time. Be sure to point out the results later.

“Did you see how the waitress smiled back at you and brought you extra fries because you were so polite to her?”

Always tell kids when what they are doing is working. It gives them an incentive to keep trying, just like it does with adults.

4. “Let’s Try an Experiment…”

Another thing you can say to your child is:

“Let’s try an experiment. Why don’t you try this today and see what happens.”

It could be raising their hand before they talk in school or saying “hello” to the teacher when they walk into class. You could also say:

“What would you like to happen today with this person?”

And then role-play how they can make that happen. Connect the new behavior to real things in your child’s life. But again, do it discretely. One thing at a time, one person at a time, one situation at a time, one class at a time.

5. Work with Your Kids: Teach and Coach Them Forward

Social skills are one of the areas where the teaching and coaching roles become very important for parents. Remember, when you take on the teaching role, what you’re really doing is helping your child to learn new skills.

I think it’s okay to say:

“People don’t respond well to you when you ______. “

And then fill in the blank. But that has to be coupled with:

“Why don’t you try _______, instead. Here, let me show you.”

Do a little interview with a short discussion:

“Well, you know, teachers don’t like it when you talk out of turn in class, Maddy. That’s why you got detention. What do you think you can do differently the next time you want to talk out of turn? What can you do to remind yourself that you can’t do that?”

And see what she says. Here’s the key: the next day before school, take your child aside and say and remind her about her plan:

“Remember what you said you were going to do differently today? When the teacher says, ‘Time to take out your books,’ you are going to stop talking to Riley and Jenna and you’re going to listen so you don’t get detention again.”

6. Teach Your Child to “Check Out Perceptions”

It’s important for kids to be able to approach adults when they think they’re in trouble. They should be able to say, “Is something wrong?” or “Did I do something wrong?” When they think their teacher is frowning at them in class, it’s helpful for them to ask that teacher later, “Did I do something wrong today?”

It’s hard to do, but it’s a technique that will help them eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. One of the things that my son learned to say in our house was, “Are we okay?” or “Are you okay?”

After work, I’d be tired most days. And even though I was feeling pretty good, to my son, I looked grumpy and out of sorts. I taught him to ask me, “Are we okay, or did I do something wrong?” And I’d usually say, “Yeah, I’m doing fine, I’m just a little tired.”

We taught him to read us and if he didn’t know what was going on, he learned to check it out. This is very important for kids. The first place they’ll need to learn that skill is with their parents. Then need to learn to say “Is something wrong? Are we okay?”

And it’s important to answer that question because they could be reading disapproval on your face when you have a headache or are anxious about work. Kids personalize things, and from that personalization they learn “self-talk.”

“Self-talk” is how we talk to ourselves all day long. It’s the key to understanding so many behaviors, and the difference between thinking, “I can do this, it will be OK” versus “I’m stupid, they all hate me.” Kids can easily take something the wrong way, and then they start talking to themselves about it.

In the end, they might end up feeling like they can’t make anybody happy. So it’s very important for kids to learn how to check things out at home, especially if they have parents who are hard to read. And that’s certainly also true with teachers and other significant people in their lives.

7. For Kids Who Are Bullied

Although I think kids should learn how to deal with bullies and kids who pick on them, I also think it’s the school’s responsibility to protect kids while they’re in school. The techniques I’m sharing with you in this article are ways to help your child cope, but that does not relieve the school of the responsibility to make sure everybody is safe. As a parent, if your child is being bullied, do not hesitate to call the school. And if your child has been physically harmed, do not hesitate to call the police.

Learning social skills and social cues is especially critical for children who tend to be bullied. The first thing I say to kids who are bullied is:

“You’re not responsible. It’s not your fault. If somebody’s bullying you, they’re the problem.”

The best strategy they can use is called “avoid and escape.” You can break it down for them like this:

“Avoid the people who bully you and situations where you get bullied. If you find yourself in one, escape as soon as you can. Get out of there. You avoid the situation: don’t sit at that lunch table. Or you escape: don’t be the victim. Get up and go to another table.”

If there are unavoidable places your child has to go during the day, like the bathroom or locker room, tell them to get in and out as quickly as they can.

“You ignore the bullies or you try to avoid them. Get a pass from the teacher and go to the bathroom from class.”

Kids also need to learn positive self-talk. They need to be able to say, “This is not my problem. This is the bully’s problem.” And they need to be able to ask for help.

It’s a Solvable Problem

I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the keys. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing.

Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it. Don’t spend a lot of time on why they can’t read social situations well. I would tell kids:

“Not being able to read social situations happens to a lot of kids. That’s why they’re always in trouble. As you become an adult you learn to read this kind of thing better. And some people lag behind. It just doesn’t happen to them as quickly as other people, and that’s OK.”

Remember, if your child is behaving inappropriately, whether it’s a result of a missed social cue or not, you still have to hold him accountable, as well as teach the new skill. Once your child knows how they’re expected to behave, you have to make him responsible for his behavior. And if you can’t hold him responsible, his chances of fully learning the new skill go way down.

If you don’t hold your child accountable, he won’t have any reason to change. After all, you’re asking him to do something different, and “different” is usually perceived as “difficult.” People don’t like to change, so you have to stay on top of it and make sure your child is putting his learning into practice.  It can pay off.  I have worked with many kids in therapy who are having this problem and we have been able to help the majority of them increase their ability to read social cues significantly.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  Many of his patients are oppositional or on the Autistic Spectrum.  For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

The best reward for your child is that he will start to have more success with people in his life immediately and that will translate into better behavior all the way around.