A Significant Increase in Teenage Cutting

Suicide is the third leading cause of death in kids 10 to 18 years old. In this article we are going to explore a teen behavior that can result in suicide and that is cutting. This is a very common behavior among teenagers and many parents know little about it. Cutting is usually used as a method to deal with emotions, but it can lead to permanent damage or suicide, if the teen is not aware of what they are doing.

Cutting is any behavior which results in self-mutilating. Therefore it could be cutting oneself, scratching, burning, erasing ones own skin etc. Anything that results in damaging ones own body. It is also a behavior that is on the rise in the teenage population.

A recent study by Rhode Island hospital found that 46% of high school students admit to engaging in some form of cutting over the past year and 20% of college students admitted to it. ABC news found that 1 in 12 teens engage in cutting. Girls are more likely to cut than boys, but boys still do cut. I have both teenage boys and girls admitting to some form of cutting. The CDC has found between 20% and 30% of teenagers engage in some form of cutting or self-mutilating behavior. One of the major treatment centers for cutting has found 1 out of 5 girls engage in cutting and for boys the statistic is one out of 7 engage in cutting. Most studies, including the CDC, report the average age for a teenager to engage in cutting or self-mutilating behavior is 14 years old. Furthermore, research studies indicate without treatment, 40% of teenagers who cut or self-mutilate will continue the behavior as an adult.  This is a very serious condition and research is showing it is increasing every year.  One study showed 30% of teenagers cut.  Think about how many teenagers that is in reality.  Also then consider without treatment most of that 30% will continue the behavior as adults. We need to address this issue.

You may ask, why would someone cut themselves? Most teens engage in self-mutilating behavior because they find it easier to deal with the physical pain than the emotional pain they are experiencing. Some teens prefer just to cut and that helps release the pain and others need to watch the blood or watch the act of cutting or erasing as a way to deal with the pain.

This behavior is very common now among teenagers. Most teens have engaged in one form of self-mutilating behavior as a way to deal with their feelings.

What they do not think about when they are engaging in this behavior is the risk. If they cut too deep or in the wrong area they can cut a major artery and bleed to death. They can cut a nerve or tendon and lose control over their arm or leg. The site they cut or erase can become severely infected and lead to a number of medical issues. Most teens who cut are not suicidal but they are looking for a way to cope with their emotional pain.

Signs that your teen may be engaging in cutting are personality changes, where long sleeves or not allowing anyone to see their body. They often cut on their stomachs, chests or thighs because it is easier to hide. Picking at scabs is another sign. Changes in their appetites and sleeping pattern. Also a tendency to withdraw from family and friends. They also have a tendency to act depressed.

If you feel your teen is cutting, don’t be afraid to ask. However, if you do ask don’t act shocked or like they are doing something bizarre. Teens who cut are very afraid of being shamed. If you act like you cannot cope with their behavior they will not tell you.

Obviously if your teen is cutting there are emotional issues going on. The first thing to do is to have them examined by their pedestrian. You want to make sure there are no infections or damage that needs medical attention. The next step is to have them see a therapist who specializes in teenagers and especially one who specializes in cutting. Again if the therapist acts uncomfortable with the subject the teen will not talk. The good news is that with appropriate care most teens learn how to deal with their emotions in a healthy manner and stop cutting.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 18 years experience working with teens and specializes in cutting and self-mutilating behavior. For more information about Dr Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com

Camouflaging A New Dangerous Teenage Trend

The teenage years are a time when teens are trying to identify themselves. However, for some teens they want to fit in with their friends. This need to fit in can cause teenagers to do things they usually wouldn't do such as drugs, alcohol etc. This need to fit in has been considered normal for teenagers for years.

However, a new behavior for teenage and tween girls has been identified by an adolescent psychologist. The behavior that has been identified is called “Camouflaging.” This behavior left unidentified can lead to low self-esteem, depression, cutting etc.

Camouflaging is when an adolescent girl changes how she looks, her opinions or things that she does in order to be accepted by the other girls. The real problem occurs when the girl is changing so much about herself or does it for so long that she forgets or losses track of her real self.

While this behavior has just been identified in girls and what the researcher explains appears correct, I believe this behavior applies to boys too.

Many adolescent boys change the way they dress, their beliefs and the way they act to be accepted by their friends. I hear many of these boys telling me in therapy that they feel lost. They tell me they no longer have an idea of who they really are or believe or feel. These boys also turn to alcohol, drugs and cutting. Usually to numb out their lost feeling or to feel something.

As a result, many teens start acting like someone they are not just to be accepted. This fear of not being accepted and forgetting their real self because they has been covering it up for so long or denying their true feelings for so long can result in boys and girls having low self-esteem or feeling depressed.

This low self-esteem and depression can result in such behaviors as cutting, eating disorders, drug use, becoming sexually active etc. Often boys and girls cut just so they can feel as I stated above. The constant denying of their emotions can cause boys and girls to lose a sense of their true feelings. Therefore, cutting can occur so boys and girls feel. Denying their feeling or who they are can result in boys and girls feeling very confused. Therefore, they look for behaviors that help them remember who they are and help them identify their true feelings. They also seek behaviors that help them deal with denying their feelings or changing their behaviors. This can trigger eating disorders or drug abuse. This helps numb out the feeling and confusion of denying their feeling and trying to forget their true self. This can cause feelings of depression and anxiety too.

What should parents look for in their teens? If your son or daughter tries to stop wearing his or her glasses or if he or she all of a sudden changes how he or she dresses or acts these are possible warning signs. Another change could be not doing as well in their classes because they are afraid of looking too smart.

While it is normal for teenagers to make changes in their attitudes or how they dress, we are talking about something that goes far beyond normal self-expression.

This is what we are talking about. If teenagers are changing their hair or how they dress as a way to express themselves that is normal teenage behavior. However, if teenagers are doing it just to fit in and they end up losing a sense of their true self this is camouflaging.

Camouflaging results in depression or low self-esteem because the teenager is forgetting their true self. If they are doing it as a way of trying to experiment with their self expression, the teenager is happy and confident as stated above. This is the main point to understand. Experimenting with their dress and beliefs etc. is normal for teens and helps teenagers identify themselves, however denying or camouflaging their feelings results in teens losing themselves and many behavior problems. This is the main thing for parents to watch for in their adolescents behavior.

If you go onto Yahoo and look up Camouflaging you will find a segment on Good Morning America about Camouflaging. In fact, here is the link to the GMA segment https://gma.yahoo.com/video/parents-worry-tween-teen-camouflaging-122935763.html?soc_src=copy. Also if parents look at the February issue of Teen Vogue, you will find an article about Camouflaging.

Dr Michael Rubino has over 18 years experience working with teenagers and their families. Dr Rubino is considered an expert psychotherapist in the treatment of teens. For more information about Dr Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com

Life After Divorce

Divorce can be a devastating event for an entire family.  Yes there is the financial cost of a divorce, but there is also the impact that a divorce has on a family especially the children.  Many children that I have worked with feel like their entire world has been turned up side down.  Also for children they don't feel the divorce has ended after it is finalized in court.

For many children the divorce is just beginning.  They now have to adjust to their parents living in separate houses, visitation schedules, often parents continue to fight even though the divorce is final and many children feel they need to choose a side.  They feel a pull by their parents and extended family to take a stand as who was right and wrong in the divorce.

Another thing is children have to learn how to cope with is seeing their parents with someone else.  Often parents start dating soon after a divorce and a child or teenager have to adjust to seeing Dad or Mom dating someone else.  They are not use to thinking about their parents having intimate relationships.  This concept is very often something very difficult for teenagers to adjust to.

As a result of all of these changes, many teenagers may act out.  They may start getting into trouble at school or their grades may significantly drop.  They may start arguing with their parents and they may refuse to cooperate with the visitation schedule.  Some of the teenagers I have worked with also start to drink, smoke marijuana or use other drugs so they don't have to think about the divorce.  Also some teens may start to be sexually active and make it obvious to their parents so Mom and Dad have to deal with the same strange thoughts and feelings they have to deal with when their parents date.

Yes divorce is not easy and no matter how you approach it, a divorce is upsetting to everyone.  However, how Mom and Dad handle the divorce process and the adjustment period after a divorce can make a major impact on how their children and teenagers are affected.

To begin with, during the divorce and after the divorce, parents should not discuss any facts pertaining to the divorce settlement with their children.  Also neither parent should be saying negative things about the other parent to the children.  You may be divorcing each other, but that is still your child's Mom or Dad.  Furthermore, both parents need to speak to their family and make sure grandparents understand not to put down the other parent or tell the kids details about the divorce.

If you need to talk to your children about the divorce, do so in an age appropriate manner and only tell them what they need to know.  For example, if the house needs to be sold obviously the children need to be told.  If children are asking questions about things that are inappropriate such as about the finances, let the children know that is an issue just between Mom and Dad.  Also reassure them that no matter what happens that Mom and Dad will make sure they are taken care of and you understand the divorce is scary but Mom will still be their Mom and Dad will still be their Dad.  Let them know both of you will take care of them and they don't need to worry.

Obviously after the divorce is an adjustment period and learning period for everyone.  This period can be easier if you work together as a team and co-parent.  Trying to have similar rules at both houses help.  Also backing up each other helps.  So if a child is talking disrespectfully about Mom or Dad, the other parent lets their child know that will not be tolerate that they are still their Mom or Dad and they need to respect them.
If they are having issues at school such as poor grades or cutting school again if you work together as a co-parent team, you can help the teen accept the divorce and help resolve the school issue.

If you suspect your teen is drinking, smoking or using other drugs, again the most effective is if you function together as a co-parent team.  By doing so you reinforce that you have not stopped being their parents, you have just stopped being married to each other.  Also by acting together as a team you have a better chance of your teenager cooperating with treatment.  If they can see that the two of you still disagree and argue about most issues, they will use this to their advantage.  They will try to play the two of you against each other.  And they will play the two of you against each other anytime they want something.  The end result is the two of you spend more time arguing than you need to, probably more money on attorney bills and your children do not get the structure from the two of you that they need.

Now, as for the issue of you dating.  You are both adults, no longer married so you have a right to see someone if you want.  If you have children, just use common sense when you decide to date.  The children will be spending time with Mom or Dad during their visitation time.  Therefore, when you don't have the kids that is the perfect time to go out with someone.  I would suggest not mentioning to your children or introducing your children to anyone you are seeing until you are sure this is a serious relationship.  If you introduce your children to someone you have only been seeing for two weeks and then you end the relationship two weeks later it feels strange and awkward to your children.  Remember, most children don't think or don't want to think about the fact that their parents have sex.

This brings up the issue of having someone spending the night or spending the night at someone else's house.  As I stated above, the children will be spending time with the other parent during visitation.  Therefore, when you do not have the children it is fine to have an overnight guest.  Besides the fact children don't want to know anything about their parents having sex, if you have a teenager, you could be creating a problem.  If you are having guests spend the night, what do you do when your 16 year old son announces that his girlfriend is spending the night?  You say no, but he argues you do it.  Yes you are an adult and its different, but there is no need to take that risk.  Also as that parent it is your responsibility to be the role model.

Basically, while a divorce is difficult on everyone and there is an adjustment period after, if you and your ex-spouse treat each other with respect and work together as a parenting team, you can minimize the stress and anxiety on your children.  Remember, the children had no involvement in you deciding to divorce or what happened during the divorce or the decisions that were made.  Therefore, as their parents it is your responsiblity to help your children adjust to the divorce.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 18 years experience working with teenagers and working with high conflict divorces.  For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com, www.drmichaelrubino.com or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.    

The Importance of Accepting Your Mistakes

Why it is important to accept yourself and your mistakes. No one is perfect How to Love Yourself Just as You Are https://lnkd.in/bJegwmG

Parents it's Important to Know Your Teenagers Friends

It is summer vacation and your teenagers are going to be spending more time with friends Today's society has become very violent. Due to that fact, it is important to get to know your teenagers friends and what they do when they hang out. Knowing their friends could stop a potential bad situation.

Having friends and hanging out with them after school and on weekends is what most people think about when they think about teenagers and their friends. No one really thinks about being concerned. It seems harmless and it’s part of being a teenager. However, with the advancement of technology and the rapid changes in society, this has changed. It now is necessary for parents to be concerned about who their teen has as a friend and what they are doing.

Now with the Internet and such things as Facebook, teens face a number of different issues. One issue is the number of friends they have. Teens are looking at Facebook pages and see that people claim to have 400, 500 friends. They look at their page and they have 50 and they start to worry what is wrong with them. But they fail to stop and think no one can have 500 close friends. The person has acquaintances or they just sent out a bunch of invitations, but it is impossible to know 500 people closely. Also the number of friends you have, has nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Another issue teens are facing with the Internet is cyber bullying. It is very easy to say very mean cruel things when you can hide behind a computer and no one knows who you are. However, the target of the bullying can feel like their world is falling a part and feel their life is hopeless. They may see suicide as a way out. Suicide in teens is now the 3rd leading cause of death for kids 10 to 18 and the rate is increasing every year. We also have seen a tremendous increase in school shootings. The teen who usually does the shooting is a teen that feels powerless and that no one cares about him.

A very important issue that this has exacerbated is the need to feel accepted by their peers. Teens will do anything to feel accepted. They are using drugs, stealing, beating up other kids, anything they are being asked to do by the group. In the Alive & Free Movement, we refer to these as “”fearships.” Teens are doing things because they are afraid of being rejected by the group. The group leaders are intimidating other teens into doing these dangerous things so they feel important and worthy. This is not a friendship. A friend accepts you for who you are and they don’t intimidate you into doing things that might get you killed or arrested.

This is why parents need to get to know their teenager’s friends. If you think they are involved in a fearship you need to talk to your teen and you may need to forbid them from hanging out with these kids.

Also parents need to talk to their teenagers about what a real friendship is and how friends act. A friend accepts you for who you are they don’t demand changes. They are there to support you during difficult times and friends don’t want to see you hurt. If you are doing something that could get you in trouble or hurt you a friend will tell you to stop. Parents many teens are still figuring these issues out. This is why you need to talk to your teens about friends and why you need to get to know their friends.

Dr Michael Rubino has over 18 years experience working with teens and their parents. For more information about his work or private practice please visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com

Honoring Dedicated Fathers

I wrote an article about the importance of Dads and posted it in Patch. I also am fortunate enough to work with Dr. Joseph Marshall of Alive & Free. He wrote an article for the Huffington Post about Fathers. I think it is very good so I am going to share it with you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Tribute to Dads: Why Our Kids and Our Communities Need Them

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there. I just want to say thank you for being a father to your child. You’re doing the most important job of all. There’s nothing better than a good dad. This is Father’s Day and it’s our time to say, “Thanks!”

Having grown up with my dad, being one myself and now seeing my son be a great father to his children, I fully understand the importance, benefits and joys of fatherhood. And yes, I’m very sorry for all those men who don’t get to experience those joys and even more sorry for their children. I really think they’re being cheated.

Let me acknowledge a couple of things first. I am not intending in any way to slight all the single moms out there doing double and triple duty raising their kids. I’m also not saying that you can’t make it without a father—many of you have and you can. I’m not saying you can’t make it without a mother—you can do that too. You can even make it without any parents at all, because I know people who have done that also. People make the best of the hand they are dealt, but I don’t think anyone would recommend these scenarios for any child.

In my mind, every child deserves and good mother and a good father.

In my years of community work with young people, the toughest day of the year by far is Father’s Day. It’s not rocket science to figure out why. It’s because many of them don’t have one. Their dads are dead, in jail or just not involved. As much as they try to hide it, play it off or just bury it, those feelings and emotions are right there front and center. For many, it’s the main issue in their life. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the lack of fathers is the biggest problem I deal with. That might surprise some of you, but please hear me out.

Because I had a father—and very good one at that—I know the benefits and the joys that dads bring to the table. The kids I work with don’t know that. Just about all of them know what mom does and what mom brings and they swear they couldn’t make it without her. With dad, they’re not so sure. “I think this is what they do,” they say.

Here’s a true story that says it all for me when it comes to the importance of fathers. I was talking to the kids one evening at our regular Tuesday night group meeting and one of the girls said that she hated taking the bus so late because she had to make the walk home from the bus stop and men always accosted her along the way. I told her to call her dad and have him pick her up from the bus stop. She replied that she didn’t have a dad. Then I told her to call her uncle or cousin or somebody in the family to make sure she got home safely. She told me that she didn’t have any male to call, because there weren’t any men in her immediate family. She felt totally unprotected. I felt so bad for her that I told her to call me anytime day or night and I would come and get her. I then wrote my phone number on the board—and every girl in the room wrote it down. Every girl. Wow! None of these young women had any fathers or men they felt they could count on.

A few years ago, I asked the young people (and the listeners of my radio show) to tell me what they thought the qualities of a good father were. I want to share their responses with you. Some of them might surprise you as they did me. Here is what they said:

A good Dad is.........
A teacher
Provides leadership by example
A protector
A provider
Has the ability to balance sternness and sensitivity
Instills organization and structure
Is kind
Is loving and supportive
Is calm, patient and understanding
Listens and inspires
Believes in you
Urges you to be the best that you can be
Has consistency in presence; is there
Is the foundation for everything else
Provides discipline
Teaches you that your word is everything
Provides balance
Shows quiet strength
Is resilient
Is responsible
Is able to express emotions
Provides quality time and is attentive

When we finished the list, the kids—both boys and girls—just looked at each other and said, “Wow, look at what we’re missing out on.” And then I said, “Yeah and look at what’s missing in the community. We’re out of balance. We’re trying to do this child raising thing with one hand tied behind our back. We need both our mothers and our fathers.”

After taking stock of what these young people said, maybe it will help some men out there understand what your kids are missing when you’re not in their lives. Maybe you don’t have any idea what your value is or what you bring to the relationship. Maybe if you did, it wouldn’t matter how difficult the court proceedings are or how much child support you’re paying (or not), or if you’ve got another family, or if your ex has a boyfriend, or if you’re feeling guilty because you can’t buy them things—or any other reason you’ve come up with. Maybe you won’t engage in any illegal activity that puts them in harm’s way or that jeopardizes your freedom and your ability to parent them.

And maybe this list will help some women understand not to deny a man who wants to be a father because he’s got a new girlfriend or because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore or because he legitimately can’t pay the money. Realize that he wants to be a dad just as much as you want to be a mom.

Our kids and our communities need their Dads!

My father of the year, of the century, of the millennium is a gentleman named Gus Smith. Maybe you’ve heard of him, but more than likely you haven’t. His only daughter Kemba Smith got involved with a drug dealer while she was a student at Hampton University in the early 1990’s. She was ultimately sentenced to 24 years in federal prison without the possibility of parole under the mandatory minimum drug sentencing guidelines. Many viewed the sentence was grossly unfair as Kemba never used or sold drugs herself and also suffered tremendous abuse at the hands of her boyfriend. Her father, more than anyone, realized that and then set out to do the impossible—to free his daughter. To him it was the present day equivalent of Moses telling Pharaoh to let his people go. Certainly it was just as daunting a task.

But don’t tell that to a dad. Not this dad. Not Gus Smith. Gus spoke everywhere and everyplace he could and to anyone who would listen. He organized rallies and garnered petitions. He reached out to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund and the Congressional Black Caucus. He even wrote a letter to President Clinton.

Dear President Clinton
I am the father of Kemba Smith, a young lady who is serving a 24.5 year sentence in a drug related case. I appeal to you not as President of the United States but as a father. You see, I have a special bond with my daughter as I have seen you have with your daughter.

I have gone through a transition by having my daughter incarcerated. I lost my job... had to liquidate all my savings... mortgage my home and finally had to file for bankruptcy, not once but twice... You see Mr. President, we love our daughter... and are willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary for the future of our family.

...I leave Kemba’s fate, her son, and our family’s in God’s hands and your hands, the President of the United States, who has the express power to send Kemba home.
I thank you for your consideration.

[Excerpt from Poster Child: The Kemba Smith Story]

Pharaoh, let my daughter go!

Have you ever seen a miracle, a real miracle? Do miracles really happen? I’d heard about them and read about them but never actually witnessed one. Well I have now, because on December 22, 2000, Kemba Smith walked out of prison a free woman 15 years before her actual release date. President Clinton granted her Executive Clemency. Now if that don’t beat all. Amazing. Never underestimate the power of a dad.

Job well done, Gus Smith. You’re my all-time Father!

So this tribute is for all you dads out there—sung and unsung. We salute you. Thank you so much for the doing the most important job in the world day in and day out.

Thank you for being a father to your child! Happy Father’s Day!

Dr Michael Rubino has worked with teens for over 18 years for more information about his work visit his website www.rcs-ca.com

A Father is Important

Read an article about why fathers are important in the lives of children. Something we tend to forget Pleasant Hill Patch: Honoring Dad http://patch.com/california/pleasanthill/honoring-dad-0

Fathers are important too

Sunday is Father's Day, but I don't see all the ads on television or in my email about remembering Mom. In fact, Mother's Day is the busiest day of the year for florist. However, it seems like fathers are an after thought. On Mother's Day you need to make brunch reservations a week in advance. I haven't heard anything about brunches this Sunday. It seems like Fathers are not considered as important as Mothers.

I have heard very often how important a mother is to a child especially a young child. While this is true Dads are just as important to children and young children. I say Dad because any man can father a child, but it takes work to be a Dad to a child.

Something we are forgetting is many men are opting not to pursue a career and stay home and raise their children. Maybe the stereotype is wrong and maybe men can be nurturing and loving.

Because of the stereotype we have about men in our culture, Dads are often not considered that important. Because men work too much or don’t express emotions so they are not emotionally available to their children.

However, if we look at the stereotype it also demonstrates why Dads are important. Dads are the male role models to their sons. Dads teach their sons how to treat women, their wives and their children. They teach their sons how a man is supposed to act in a relationship.

Dads are also role models for their daughters. They see how Dad treats Mom and how their relationship works or doesn’t work. This teaches girls how they should expect to be treated by a man while dating and when married. If Dad was verbally and physically abusive, they expect their boyfriend or husband to treat them that way. It also often results in a girl having low self-esteem.

Boys look for validation from their Dads that they are doing a good job developing into an adult man. If their Dad is not emotionally available, many boys interpret this as they are a failure to their Dad and they become hurt and angry. Unable to express their emotional pain because men don’t express disappointment, they express anger. They project their pain onto others.

If we change our mind set and see how valuable a Dad is to kids then may be Dads can start meeting the emotional needs of their children and families. However, this requires men to take off the mask they have learned to live in.

I have a friend who was able to take of his mask and write a wonderful poem to his son. He wanted his son never to doubt how he felt about him and he wanted to make sure he shared it with his son. What a tremendous gift he gave to his son! Also what a fantastic role model he is being to his son about how to be a Dad.

I asked for his permission to print it here and he graciously said yes. I hope other Dads will read this and share a gift like this with their son or daughter. Also I hope it helps to eliminate the false stereotypes we have about Dads.

I never want this to go unsaid, about my son,
So here in this poem, for all to hear 
There are no words to express how much you mean to me, 
with a smile upon my face, and warm feelings in my heart, I must declare!
A son like you, always polite and full of joy,I thought could never be.
Since the day you were born, I just knew you were like a mini me, 
from your first breath I knew,
God sent me a blessing- and that was you.
For this I thank him every day, 
You are the true definition of a son, in every way.
Your kindness and caring with love for all,
you give my life meaning, for us to share.
Becoming your father has shown me a new sense of being.
I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,
Turning everything I ‘am - into a happy place.
Always remember that I know how much you care,
I can tell by the bond that we share.
For a son like you there could be no other,
And whether we are together or apart,
Please do not ever forget-
You will always have a piece of my heart.

This is a fantastic example of a Dad!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 18 years experience working with children & teens. He is an expert in this area of treatment. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

The Violent World Children Live In

The tragedy is Miami today only serves to highlight the different world that our children live in today.  Anyone who is over 30 years old grew up in a world where there were good times and then there were bad times.  So people over 30 years old learned that life has ups and downs.  However, for anyone born in the year 2000 or later, this is not their experience of the world.

The majority of people who are under 30 years old have grown up in a world where there has been one tragedy after another.  People in this generation have experienced the tragedy of 9/11 attacks, the wars in Iran and Afghanistan, and hearing nightly on the news about terrorist  attacks and terrorist threats.

In addition to hearing about terrorist attacks around the world children growing up in the current  generation have also had to deal with mass shootings at schools, and shopping centers.  No one who is over 30 years old had to deal with mass school shootings throughout the country while they were growing up. Furthermore in addition to the violence that the current generation has had to endure they have also had to deal with the uncertain financial situation of our country.  Children in this generation have heard about the possibility of the economy collapsing and in addition many children in this generation have experienced their parents losing their jobs and as a result also losing their homes.  Our country has not experienced such a high rate of unemployment and homelessness since the Great Depression of 1929.

What has this done to our children?  From my experience as a psychotherapist who works with children and teens, I have seen a devastating impact on children growing up today.  Many of the children I work with carry knives with them.  They tell me they need the knives for protection.  Many of the kids I treat have told me, they don't know if they will live to be 30 because of today's violence.

I have also seen an increase an increase in depression.  With the violence children experience at school and when their family cannot afford housing or food, they see no hope for a future.  Yes in the United States, there are many children who are homeless and hungry.  In fact, the rate of homelessness and hunger for children is higher in the United States than some third world countries.

As a result, many children and teenagers are looking for an escape and they are finding ways.  The suicide rate in our country has increased every year. Children as young as 8 years old are committing suicide.  In addition to suicide, children and teenagers are turning to drugs.  We are not talking about marijuana, we are talking about meth, crack and heroin.  If you go on to any middle school campus in the United States today, you can find whatever drug you want.  As drug use has increased so have the number of children overdosing on drugs.  In the United States, approximately 125 kids overdose on drugs every day and the number is climbing.

In addition to these factors, gangs and crime among teenagers are on the rise. Why are they on the rise? The teens believe their fellow gang members will help protect them if someone tries to jump them. Since they have no faith in the economy, the only way to get what you need is to steal it.  They see no problem in what they are doing because they feel they are just living by the rules that the adults have established.

This is no way for a child to grow up.  They should not have to be afraid of being killed because of their religion, race or sexual orientation.  The feelings that I have described above cross all lines in our society. I have heard these feelings from white teens, African-American teens, Hispanic teens etc.  I have also heard these feelings from teenagers whose families are very well to do and those that are homeless.

What do we do?  We need to take a good hard look at ourselves and our society and decide to work together to change.  Even with all this despair, I have seen teenagers pull together and do positive things with their lives and to help others.  There are still people who are willing to do acts of kindness for people they don't know.  We can change things but we must work together.  We cannot afford anyone who wants to move in a way to make us feel more alone and helpless.  Take a lesson from our teenagers, if we work together we can accomplish amazing changes.

I have seen acts of kindness and I see the out pouring of support for those in Miami.  There still is good in our world.  As the adults we need to band together and show the teenagers that things are not hopeless. We need to point out the positive and ask our teens to join us.

In the meantime, watch your children for signs of depression, anxiety or drug use and if you notice signs you are concerned about get your child therapy.

Dr. Michael Rubino is an expert at treating teenagers and he has been treating teens for over 18 years for more information about him and his work visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com

Your Divorce Doesn't Belong at Your Child's Graduation

                Your Divorce is not Part of Your Teen's Graduation
With the large number of divorces, brings a lot of new situations in life especially if you have children. Hopefully, when you and your spouse divorced it was done in a civil manner and the children were not put in the middle of the divorce. This is the ideal situation, however, we do not always get the ideal situation. Very often divorces are high conflict and the two of you argue over everything and anything. Usually in these high conflict divorces, the children are put in the middle and used as weapons. The children feel they have to choose between their mother and their father. This is a very sad situation.
This conflict usually interferes with visitations and holidays. Parents argue about pick up and drop off times, how long they have the children for holidays and there is often arguments about can a child bring toys or clothes from Dad’s house to Mom’s house. In short, parents argue about everything and the children become sick and tired of the arguing.
The other factor that adds to this is grandparents saying negative things about the ex wife or ex-husband. This only increases the pressure and stress the children are dealing with after a divorce.

The final stressor is when one or both parents remarry or have a long term boyfriend or girlfriend. Then the arguments about she is not my child’s mother or he is not my child's father and I don’t want them involved in my child’s life. Also a new girlfriend or boyfriend can cause teens to argue with their parents because they want their parents back together.

In short in a high conflict divorce, children live in a war zone. They become use to arguing about everything and often feel they must choose sides. At times some children do choose sides hoping to end the fighting or because they are so confused.
This type of divorce creates a great deal of issues for children and I cannot cover all the issues in this blog. I would need a book to cover all the issues.
Most the time, teens become sick and tired of the fighting and wish that their parents would stop fighting so they could at least not have to worry about what will cause the next argument.
Graduation is one of those issues. Parents will often start arguing about issues such as, “I paid for everything you needed for high school and now he wants to come.” Or “if your mother shows up, after everything she has done, I won’t be in the same room as her.” And of course there is always the issue of “he better not bring her to my child’s graduation.” What is a teen to do?
They have spent the last four years working very hard in high school and graduation is a day for them to celebrate their accomplishment. They also usually want the people who they love and care about to be there with them to celebrate their accomplishment. However, how does this happen when Mom and Dad and grandparents are stating their terms about how graduation will be because of the divorce.

Your teenager did not get divorced. You and your spouse divorced and even though you are no longer married, you are both still parents for your teenager and you need to act like parents. This means putting aside all your feeling and issues so your teenager can truly celebrate their day, their graduation. Most parents have told their teens to stop being selfish and to think about someone else. Well isn’t it time that you followed your own advice. Stop thinking about yourselves and your divorce and think about your teenager and how you can make your teen’s graduation a happy day for them.

What you need to do is you and your ex spouse sit down together or email each other and discuss how the two of you can put your issues on hold one day so your teen can have a happy graduation. The two of you need to talk with grandparents and other extended family and inform them what will be allowed and what will not. This doesn’t mean you have to act like best friends. You simply need to be civil. If you don’t think you can sit next to each other at the graduation, then one of you sits on the left and one sits on the right. You don’t have to have a joint party either. You can decide to have separate parties. The key is communicating with each other before the graduation and decide how you can do it civilly. This will be the best graduation present that you can give your teenager. If you can allow them to have their graduation day to celebrate their accomplishment without having to worry about what fight will there be. You are also teaching them a lesson about love, being parents and relationships.
The most important thing to do is remember this is a celebration. So let your teen celebrate and allow yourselves to celebrate with your teenager as their mother and father. Remember the divorce ended your marriage not your relationship together as parents

Kids Expect Guns at School in Today's World

I t has been 17 year after Columbine and the mother of one shooter did an interview with ABC about the warning signs she missed. If it was only that easy, but it is not. A great deal was missed by many and there is plenty of blame to go around.

First in our society, there is a huge negative stigma regarding mental illness and psychotherapy. I see many teens who would benefit from psychotherapy, but the teenager resists because only “crazy” people go to therapy and they are not crazy. The parents often don’t force the teen to go to therapy because, “he is too big for me to force him to come”, or “if he is going to go I want him to want to go. I think forcing him may cause more damage.” So parents are allowing teens to make the decision about psychotherapy because people believe it is not that important unless you are crazy. If their son’s pedestrian said their son needed surgery, the parents would not allow their son to decide about having or not having surgery.

Another issue facing parents is that belief that only crazy people go to therapy. They don’t want their child or family to be seen as the “crazy one or the weird one.” In these situations, I often hear well we will think about it and try changing things at home and if we feel we really need help we will call. Typically, I receive the call when their son is in juvenile hall for a number of crimes. They are calling too late.

The other problem is the school systems. I work with parents who are reporting symptoms of depression and their son feeling overwhelmed by school or being bullied at school. They ask the school for help, but the school acts like the parents are over protective. When I become involved and let the school know the student needs help and will need an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan), the school down plays the behavior or blames the parents. They don’t want to do an IEP because it will cost the school money. I have seen schools tell parents all kind of lies to avoid giving a student an IEP and what the school is forgetting is the help the student desperately needs. Just last month a teacher was fired in San Francisco for having a violent child leave the room. The school district said she could have asked for an individual aide. However, an aide requires an IEP which the San Francisco School District never offered.

Finally, our health care system is to blame also. One Thanksgiving Day, I was paged by a parent I never met. She had been given my number by the County Hospital. She brought her son there because he was suicidal. The hospital told her they had no more beds for suicidal teens and could not help. She had my service page me begging for help. Her son definitely need to be hospitalized. There was nothing I could do on an out-patient basis. I gave her several numbers to hospitals in the areas and told her if all else fails go to an ER room because they cannot refuse to treat.

I have seen this with other teenagers that I have treated. Parents are begging and pleading for help. Their insurance company won’t pay for in-patient treatment or only pay for two weeks when it is a 60 day program. The cost for the treatment programs is often $10,000 a month. A price most families cannot afford. At times when they do receive the insurance authorization, they cannot find an in-patient program with an opening because there are not many of these programs. These parents are doing everything they should but because of society’s view point that mental illness is not real, they find it very difficult to get their children the help they need.

A good example is the shooting at UC Santa Barbara. The parents knew their son had emotional issues and had been trying to get him help. When he went to school in Santa Barbara and his mother found a file on his computer, they knew people were in danger. They called everyone they could think of but were dismissed as over reacting.

An act such as Columbine doesn’t happen because one parent ignored symptoms. An act such as that occurs because parents, friends, family, teachers, school and our mental health system missed warning signs and failed to make the teenager get help. Mental health does deal with life and death situations not just someone crying. It is as serious at what occurs any Friday night in ER rooms in hospitals all over the country.

ABC asked the mother to look at herself, I am asking you to look at yourself and our approach to mental health. Columbine happened 17 years ago and every year since we have had more school shootings and more deaths. I believe so far in 2016 we have had more deaths by school shooting in the preceding 17 years. This is a very, very sad statistic. We need to look at ourselves and ask, what are we going to do to help prevent these senseless killings, not the mother of the Columbine shooter. We as a society must change. The life you save may be your own or your own child’s life.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating high risk teenagers and their families. For more information on his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

Stop the Gun Violence

In light of what occurred today it makes sense to run this blog again. These shootings are happening all the time at least it seems like it. Yet we do very little because we don’t want to give up guns. I understand someone using a riffle to hunt, but you don’t need an assault weapon to hunt. So why do we allow people to buy them?

I am fortunate enough to work with Dr. Joseph Marshal, the founder of Alive & Free. His program has saved many troubled teens all over the world. I have been at his Tuesday night meetings and have seen teens endure two hour car rides each way to attend the Tuesday meeting.

His program teaches teens that their lives are valuable and that they can do anything if they stay alive and out of jail.

He sent me a draft of an article he wrote about guns and teens and I think it is very good. It addresses the issue that violence doesn’t just happen in East Oakland or Richmond it also occurs in Walnut Creek and Danville too.

I asked him if I good post it on Patch. There are many people who believe we don’t have those issues here. Yes we do and I treat teens who tell me we do. Dr. Marshal said yes so here is his article about guns.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EVERYBODY HAS A GUN?
Written by Dr. Joseph E. Marshall Jr.

Guns are in the news again. The recent mass shooting at Umpqua Community College in Oregon thrust the issue of guns squarely back in the public eye. Guns are once again front and center--as they were after the Newtown school shooting three years ago and both gun control and gun rights advocates are once again pressing their cases.

However, this isn’t a piece about gun control or the 2nd Amendment or the right to own a gun. It’s not about legal guns or illegal guns or good guns or bad guns. And it’s not about politics or studies or research. This piece is about the kids I deal with and some of the things that I’ve encountered with them when it comes to guns.

Many of the young people I have dealt with over the years firmly believe in carrying a gun. It’s actually a commandment that they live by--”Thou shalt carry a gun for protection” is the way they put it. It’s dangerous in the neighborhoods they live in they say and they don’t want to be caught ‘slippin.’ They’d rather be caught with it than without it because you never know what’s on the other man’s mind. And they’ve been told that if you pull a gun, you’d better use it. Young people also say that there are way too many guns on the street and in their community--but their answer to the “way too many” is to add another gun to the mix, because quite frankly they’re scared.

Now what strikes me is that everyone else seems to pretty much believe the same thing. They all say they need a gun (or sometimes lot of guns) to protect themselves. They all live by that same commandment--”Thou shalt carry a gun for protection.” The athletes and entertainers say they need one because they’re famous and they’re a target; the homeowners say they need one because their homes might get broken into; school staff and teachers say they need to carry guns on school grounds because they have the right to protect themselves; students themselves carry guns to school because they’re having a problem with somebody at the school site.

Suburban communities see disturbances in Ferguson and Baltimore and they arm themselves to protect against...well actually I’m not sure who. And then there are those citizens who are concerned that the government will take away their rights or impose some kind of martial law--and they’ve got to protect themselves--and they store caches of weapons to do so. Quite frankly, it looks like everybody else is scared too!
THEY’RE ALL SCARED!
So what do you do when everybody’s scared and everybody’s got a gun? Good question. And what do I say to the kids who are smart enough to look at everybody else and see that everybody else’s justification--to protect themselves--is pretty much the same as theirs?

We have a lot of great talks--the kids and I. They put their thoughts out there, I put out mine and we go back and forth. We have to because this is serious stuff and I’m trying to keep them Alive & Free.

One thing that really gets them to thinking though is when I talk about what it was like when I was their age--you know back in the day. They really find it hard to believe when I tell them that I did not go to one funeral of a peer when I was a teen. That I didn’t wear any T-shirts with dead homies’ names on them and that I didn’t have a scrapbook full of obituaries. There were no makeshift street vigils with teddy bears and balloons. Yes there were a lot of fights, but there weren’t a lot of deaths. Why? It’s really pretty simple. Nobody had a gun!

I remember the first time I saw a gun. I was 16 years old and I went to the playground to play basketball. My friend had a .38 and showed it to me. Absolutely freaked me out. The instrument of instant death was right there in his hand. It made me look at him in a whole different way because I knew I had a chance if we ever had a fight, but I knew I had no chance if he had that gun.

As the years went by it began to get all bad in my neighborhood and the neighborhoods around me--from nobody having a gun to everybody having one. From fights to shoot-outs. From no funerals to nothing but funerals. All because of those damn guns. All because everyone was scared and trying to protect themselves.

“It’s not like that anymore Dr. Marshall, but I sure wish it was,” the kids tell me. “I’m just glad we don’t have to worry about that here.” And they’re right. I figured out a long time ago that in bringing together and working with all kinds of kids--gang members, drug dealers, friends, enemies, turf rivals and everything in between--I really only had one thing to worry about. You could bring your attitudes, your past behaviors, your fears, your concerns, your different backgrounds, your belief in your need to protect yourself--all of that--but the one thing you couldn’t bring with you was a gun.

So I did my own form of gun control--I banned them. And if they brought them and I found out, I took them away and then I told them they could come anytime but the gun was not welcome. And then we talked about risk factors for violence--the gun being number one--and we talked about the mentality you have and the power you feel when you’ve got one. And we talked about being afraid and how to handle it when you’re feeling that way. And we watched movies like Juice and South Central and we analyzed them. And I told them that in spite of what everyone else was doing the worst possible thing they could do was have a gun. And then I gave them our number one Rule for Living--The Rule of Life: “There’s nothing more valuable than an individual’s life.”

So tell me have I been wrong all this time? Should I have let them bring their guns because they felt the need to protect themselves? And further was I wrong myself in not having a gun to protect myself and them in case someone came in here to harm me or them? I need to know because I want them to stay Alive & Free, and if I’m not doing it the right way please tell me.

What I can tell you is this. It’s been 28 years and 1456 Tuesday night meetings and 200 college graduates produced and not one gun death here. Not even a fight. Imagine that! It’s almost like the old days, huh?

Yes I know everybody’s got a gun. But not here. Stay Alive & Free.

You can learn more about Dr Rubino and Dr Marshal by going to Dr Rubino’s website www.rcs-ca.com

Helping Teenagers with Grief

Most people assume the teen years are difficult but also overall they are fun. When people think about teens they think about hanging out with friends, parties and really no responsibilities.

Parents often tell teenagers that high school will be the best time of their lives. We seem to assume that teenagers never have to deal with tragedy. However, this is not true.

Teenagers get hurt and die everyday. The die from disease, accidents, suicide and drug overdosages. When this occurs no one knows how to act because it violates our ideas about the teenage years.

Teenagers have a very difficult time when a friend dies. Again it violates their idea that they are immortal and they are faced with confronting feelings they have no idea how to cope with.

Unfortunately we have experienced this tragedy again in our community. Two teenagers in Pittsburg passed away. Their friends and school are now faced with trying to make sense of this tragedy and deal with their feelings.

In light of the recent deaths of 2 teens in Pittsburg here is an article about teens & grief http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen/. Hopefully this might provide some suggestions that can help the families, friends, teachers and school of these two teenagers.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 18 years experience working with teenagers.  For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com

Teens Act Out without Love

It seems that many adults do not really understand what children want from adults. It also seems from what I have seen and heard that many adults do not understand that children are not bad. Children are not born bad, we make them bad by how we treat them. Yes you do have children with loving parents and families who make very poor choices in their lives. As a result, they end up in jail or hurting people. However, these are the rare cases.

The most important relationships in a child’s life is his/her relationship with his/her parents. A child wants love and to feel wanted by their parents. Parents are a child’s safety net. As long as Mom and Dad are okay then they are okay. If their parents are not okay, then a child’s safety and life is in danger. Children cannot tolerate this fear. Therefore, if their parents have a problem instead of seeing their parents with problems a child changes the situation so their parents are great and the child is bad.

I have seen this many times with foster children. Their parents are usually great people and Social Services are being mean to their parents. They can be living is the best foster home in the world and if you ask them if they want to return to their natural parents, they say yes. They are desperate for that validation from their parents.

The problem is many parents do not know how to express love to their children because they never experienced it themselves as children. Therefore, they do the best they can do and feel they are good parents because they are better than their parents. However, when they hear their children asking for more they get mad at their children. They want their children to validate them for being good parents. They do not understand that a child doesn’t have the cognitive abilities to do so.

Therefore, a child tends to feel unloved, unwanted and form a belief they are useless. They tend to hang around people who reinforce this belief. They are afraid of people who might love them. They are afraid these people will discover the truth about them and leave them. They feel safer with the people who tell them they are worthless.

Walking around with this feeling can hurt a great deal. As a result, kids start to do drugs, alcohol and hang out with gangs. The drugs and alcohol help to numb out the pain of feeling worthless while at the same time it reinforces the belief that they are worthless.

Most often these kids act out at school and tend to get arrested for stealing or drugs. Some people try to help but the child pushes people away. It is better to leave someone than to be left. Most people get tired and say there is nothing else they can go and give up. Once again, reinforcing the child’s belief.

These are the children and teenagers who really need our help. The harder they push us away, the harder we have to say we won’t go. There have been many times that I have hint to Juvenile Hall to do sessions. The teen is shocked! I tell them that I told them they can push as hard as they want, but I won’t believe they are bad or walk out. At times this is difficult because they often test me over and over to see if I am for real. If they see I am for real, I am only one person they need other people to stay.

What I have seen in working with teens who act out for over 18 years, is they are looking for someone to say I care and you are important. They prefer that it comes from their biological parents, but once they accept their biological parents cannot provide this, they look to other adults.

Those of us who work with acting out teenagers as therapists, teachers or foster parents need to understand how severely these children have been hurt by their biological parents and the hard work it takes helping them over come that wound.

Extended family such as aunts and uncles, you too need to understand how deep the wound is for these kids. If you are not dealing with your own wounds, they need you to be in it for the long run.

This may seem like I am asking for a great deal, but look at how many teens are dying from suicide, drug overdose, shootings etc. When you see the number of young lives being lost you can see that it is worth the effort.

Yes it takes a great deal of effort but when you communicate to a teen that yes you are worth something, you are love able and I care about you. Watch how they go out into the world and help others and share love with others. So the price is worth seeing a teen full of life and going out and sharing it with the world. Watch some of Challenge Day’s videos on YouTube to see the love teens can spread if we give them love.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 18 years experience working with high risk teenagers & foster children and is an expert in this area. For more information on Dr Rubino visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.