In light of the sudden deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, it made me think about how are society reacts to death. Additionally, in doing research regarding grief for patients who have asked me what to say to grieving people, I found this information from the grief center. I think it is very good information and very easy to understand. Therefore, I will present the information in three sections.
The 10 Best and 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
Sheryl Sandberg’s post on Facebook gave us much insight into how those in grief feel about the responses of others to loss. Many of us have said “The Best” and “The Worst.” We meant no harm, in fact the opposite. We were trying to comfort. A grieving person may say one of the worst ones about themselves and it’s OK. It may make sense for a member of the clergy to say, “He is in a better place” when someone comes to them for guidance. Where as an acquaintance saying it may not feel good.
You would also not want to say to someone, you are in the stages of grief. In our work, On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and I share that the stages were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages. While some of these things to say have been helpful to some people, the way in which they are often said has the exact opposite effect than what was originally intended.
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
Best & Worst Traits of people just trying to help
When in the position of wanting to help a friend or loved one in grief, often times our first desire is to try to “fix” the situation, when in all actuality our good intentions can lead to nothing but more grief. Knowing the right thing to say is only half of the responsibility of being a supportive emotional caregiver. We have comprised two lists which examine both the GOOD and the NOT SO GOOD traits of people just trying to help.
The Best Traits
Supportive, but not trying to fix it
About feelings
Non active, not telling anyone what to do
Admitting can’t make it better
Not asking for something or someone to change feelings
Recognize loss
Not time limited
The Worst Traits
They want to fix the loss
They are about our discomfort
They are directive in nature
They rationalize or try to explain loss/li>
They may be judgmental
May minimize the loss
Put a timeline on loss
The above information is meant to be used as a guideline. Everyone goes through the grieving process in their own way. It is very important to understand that point. It is also important to remember while the above is a guideline, the most important thing is your intent. So if you say a worse thing but you said it out of love the person will understand. The guideline will hopefully make you more comfortable to offer support to your grieving loved one or friend. Because someone who is grieving need people to talk to without people feeling awkward.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience treating adolescents, children and their families. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino visit his website www.rcs-ca.com or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Christmas After Divorce
Wevorce is a mediation company who tries to make divorce affordable and tries to minimize the negative impact of divorce on children. It is a great company and I am happy to be affiliated with them.
They ran the following blog about Christmas after a divorce and I think it can be helpful to many people.
It’s not unusual for the holidays to sneak up, catching us unprepared and, worse yet, without the spirit. We all know what dates to prepare for; we feel the changes in the weather. But, suddenly, we are at the store and there it is: aisle after aisle of Christmas decorations while Jingle Bells plays in the background.
For many of us, we’re never ready for the hustle and bustle nor the spending and trending that comes with the season. And if you’re going through a divorce, or are adjusting as a newbie co-parent, the approach of the happiest time of the year can be anything but.
Perhaps you consider yourself a traditionalist and believe in the old-fashioned ideal of family consisting of two married parents in their first marriage “’til death do us part.” Well, in today’s world, the typical family structure has become more complicated than that. But less traditional does not mean your family is less in any way. Merely different. So, for the children’s sake, we believe in embracing those differences.
Stress and the Holidays
This time of the year can be stressful for separated or divorced adults. So imagine what it might be like for kids of divorced parents. It’s often difficult to empathize with others when we are experiencing our own pain, but it is crucial for parents to focus on their children’s wellbeing during challenging transitions. Typical signs your child may be having trouble emotionally are:
long periods of sadness or depression
uncharacteristic outbursts and getting into trouble frequently
spending more time alone in their room
missing classes and grades suffering
lack of interest in extracurricular activities
pretending to be sick
If you see any prolonged changes in your children’s behavior, arrange for them to see a counselor. Assure them it’s OK to talk about the divorce and their feelings, whether it’s with you, your co-parent, or a trusted adult.
The Comfort of Traditions
The observing of traditions feels much like wrapping your favorite blanket about the soul. They can soothe anxiety and stress as happy memories rush in to produce a Zen-like calm inside us. Perhaps it’s decorating and lighting the Christmas tree, complete with holiday music, cookies, and plenty of laughter, with the finale being the placing of the Angel — lovingly passed down for four generations — in her honored spot atop the tree to watch over everyone during this special time of the year.
Sometimes the simplest of habits become rituals important beyond measure, acts that bind us and provide continuity to our lives. But what if you can no longer duplicate a beautiful memory? What if your family dynamic has changed and it is no longer a possibility? It happens, especially in two household families. Maybe now you alternate holidays as co-parents or split the days of celebration between you? Or, perhaps it’s simply the absence of one parent that changes the picture dramatically.
But all is not lost. Just as life isn’t black and white, your family’s important traditions don’t need to be, either.. Here are some practical ways to rethink your family traditions.
Always Keep Your Children’s Happiness in Mind
As we’ve have mentioned many times to divorced parents: always consider the best interest of the children. In a weLife article, Divorced Parents: Kids And The Holidays, we talk about this very topic.
“If ever there was a time to think about peace on earth and good will toward men (and women), it’s the holiday season. Yes, that applies to the ex as well. If possible, keep the important traditions going. You may have to tweak them a bit or reinvent them altogether. This is a great time to start new traditions with your children, but don’t be too quick to abandon the old ones just because it may not be the same for you. Remember, it’s about how your children feel. It’s not about you or the ex.”
You may need to keep this thought in mind when it comes time to help your kids buy presents. In another weLife article, Help my Child Buy My Ex Gifts?, we offer some helpful hints to ensure even this simple act is done with kindness.
“It should be a goal to make every divorce an amicable one. It is with this spirit we answer this question: yes, yes, yes. Want to give a lump of coal to the ex for Christmas? Don’t. Take the high ground. It’s about your children and their love for the other parent, it’s not about you and your ex’s relationship.”
Terry Gaspard talks about the post-divorce family and the holidays in an article, 7 Ways to Create New Traditions For Your Family Post-Divorce. “Most children of divorce experience loyalty conflicts during the holidays and this can last into adulthood. The holiday season can remind them that their family is now divided and they may feel they are pulled in every direction and will ultimately disappoint both of their parents. As a result, you need to do everything in your power not to intensify your children’s feelings of being stuck in the middle between their parents’ two worlds during the holidays.”
Gaspard goes on to say, “Modeling responsible behavior toward your former spouse is key to having a successful holiday. Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger, so do your best to keep these feelings in check. Never badmouth your ex and model respectful communication in front of your children. Studies show that children adjust better to divorce if their parents minimize conflict and are cooperative with each other.”
Look at the Holidays From Your Kids' Perspective
As outlined in our previously mentioned article, Divorced Parents: Kids And The Holidays, here are some thoughts and common-sense practices to consider to make this time of year easier for your children.
Plan ahead. Be very specific with dates and times; even go as far as writing down what is going to happen step-by-step. Kids like knowing exactly what’s happening. Yet, you must also be willing to change carefully laid plans at the last moment. Kids, especially the littlest ones, can be unpredictable. Be flexible and be patient.
Be flexible but firm. Kids like to be included in making plans, but don’t go overboard. Listen to their ideas and consider their input, but in the end, it is your decision as the adult. Don’t let them take advantage of you because of divorce guilt.
Respect traditions but be willing to make new ones as well. The first holiday without both parents will be the hardest for the kids. Be sure they know it’s okay to share their feelings and that you understand. Listen, then validate … that may help ease their sadness. In general, kids don’t mind the idea of celebrating everything twice. But keep the drama out of it. If old traditions aren’t working or cause pain, create new ones — make it a fun process for the family.
Remember, what goes on in the other household is no longer your business. No grilling the kids for information. And if the children do talk about the other parent’s home, keep your adult emotions under control. Don’t overreact; your child’s comments are their version of the truth, which can be unreliable. But under-reacting is not healthy either; you need to let them know that it’s okay for them to talk about their time with the other parent. After all, they love you both.
Pool resources, if possible. Again, don’t leave room for surprises at this time of the year; leave big changes for another time. But speaking of big, it’s a great time for co-parents to consider going in on the bigger gifts together. Getting a gift from Mom and Dad shows the kids that even if you are no longer together, you will both always be their parents, united in your love for them. This is a terrific thought to reinforce in their minds and hearts.
If you are facing being alone for the holidays and anticipate missing your children, there are ways to prepare yourself. The article continues: “Do something different, unexpected, avoid letting it be a sad and terrible time for you … your kids will know and feel guilty if you are all alone. The goal is to never expect them to choose one parent over the other. They love you both.”
Keep as Much of the Old, but Usher in the New
Even after you’ve transitioned into a two-household family, it can be good to maintain some of the old family traditions if possible. But when it’s not, it may be time to change them — sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Don’t be afraid to explore new ones and create something uniquely yours and the kids’. Let them look forward to and enjoy separate celebrations in each household so they will be filled with cherished memories to pass on to their own families one day.
After all, it’s all about instilling belief in our children’s hearts by keeping the holiday spirit alive. Don’t forget the laughter; there is no better way to spread the joy of the season. Practice hope and faith in a time we so often lose sight of what is truly important in our lives. Instill a sense of goodwill toward men by giving and doing for others less fortunate. And, as co-parents, teach them that peace on earth begins within family.
- See more at: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/articles/rekindling-joy-creating-new-family-traditions-for-happier-holidays#sthash.Jtap55bV.dpuf
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
How to Have A Happy Family Christmas
The Holiday Season is here and people are stressing about buying gifts and spending the day with relatives. For many people this Holidays are a happy time and for others it is a stressful time. The Holidays can be stressful because they may bring up family issues that have not been resolved yet or everyone is trying to make the day prefect that it becomes a stressful day not a happy one. Also parents are concerned how their children will act around the entire family and what will happen if their child receives a gift they do not want?
Thanksgiving has passed and now we have Christmas. Parents you can start by looking at what occurred on Thanksgiving. Overall we're you happy with it or are there somethings that you would like to change?
Next after you have assessed how the day went sit down with your children and ask for their opinions. Also ask about what their expectations are for Christmas. It is especially important to discuss this point with teenagers. Are they expecting to spend Christmas Eve and Day with the family or are they expecting to spend time with friends and girlfriends or boyfriends. It is important to settle this issue before Christmas. By discussing expectations and trying to accommodate everyone's wishes, you can avoid arguments. However, many times you cannot accommodate everyone's wishes and as the parents you may need to make the judgement call. If this occurs explain to your teenager you know they may be mad, but you hope they can understand and you would appreciate their cooperation. May be you make arrangements for them to spend time with their friends the day before or after Christmas.
The next discussion is gifts. Explain to your children the point of Christmas is to appreciate and to be grateful for the people in your life and what you do have in your life. Therefore, if your grandparents give you something you do not like, be grateful that they thought about you and say thank you. Try not to make faces or act disappointed and hurt your grandparents feelings. Again remind them the Holidays are a time to be grateful for what you have in your life.
Reminding your children about being grateful leads us into the next tip for decreasing Holiday Stress. Lori Lite who writes about stress uses the acronym G-R-A-T-E-F-U-L as her Holiday stress guide. It helps her and others get through the day in a peaceful manner. Each letter reminds you of something to do or a way to view the day so you do not get upset.
So here is how to use Gratitude as your Holiday Stress Reliever.
G- Gratitude is the opposite of stress. It is difficult to feel stressed out when we are feeling gratitude.
R- Relax your expectations and let the day unfold. You might be surprised by the outcome.
A- Acceptance is the opposite of judgment. If we accept our family member for who they are and what they are capable of we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
T- Teens can be a part of the Holidays. Ask them what they would like to contribute to the evening or day. Let them what they feel they can contribute.
E- Empower children and let them help with age appropriate assignments. Putting the nuts out or making the centerpiece. Let them do it their way…not your way.
F– Focus on family for this day. Put all work and worries on the shelf
U– Unplug the electronics for dinner so that everyone can be fully present.
L- Love is often overlooked when we are busy. Be present with love… Speak with love… Show your love and gratitude for your family during this Holiday time.
This might seem very simple and obvious, but at times the best solutions are rather simple. Also you may want to practice using this in your daily life. It may seem simple, but it may be harder to do than you think because you are accustomed to doing things and viewing life in a certain way. This idea may challenge you to reassess how you approach life in general.
Many of us are not use to looking at our lives in terms of what we have to be grateful for. Also many of us have a hard time relaxing and not worrying about work or other things we need to do. I have found that just being in the moment is difficult for most people. Most of us believe we always have to be doing something. This creates stress and disappointment. Finally, since we feel we must always be doing something, disconnecting from cellphones and other electronics can be very difficult for the children and for adults too. However, think about it? How can you have fun and enjoy the day with your family, if your mind is not fully present? You can't. Furthermore, this can create tension for others because they feel ignored and for you because you feel they don't respect how important what you are doing at the moment is to you. As a result, you have stress which can turn into an argument and everyone is upset. A day of happiness becomes a day of anger and disappointment.
If you notice you are getting angry or your teenager is getting angry use the acronym HALT:
H - hunger, do not try to discuss a difficult situation if you or your teen are hungry.
A - anger, if it is obvious someone is angry give them time to calm down before discussing an issue. Pushing a discussion when someone is angry will only result in making a bad situation worse.
Lonely - lonely, if someone is feeling down or alone again pushing them to talk can make it worse. Let them know when they are ready you are there to listen.
Tired - tired, trying to have a conversation with a tired teenager can turn into an argument fast. Wait until they are ready to talk. There is no need to make a bad situation worse.
Therefore, in order to avoid the possibility of an unpleasant Holiday for everyone try to
use the words GRATEFUL and HALT as guidelines for the day. What do you have to lose?
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children, teenagers and their families. He has over 19 years experience. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or visit his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3.
Thanksgiving has passed and now we have Christmas. Parents you can start by looking at what occurred on Thanksgiving. Overall we're you happy with it or are there somethings that you would like to change?
Next after you have assessed how the day went sit down with your children and ask for their opinions. Also ask about what their expectations are for Christmas. It is especially important to discuss this point with teenagers. Are they expecting to spend Christmas Eve and Day with the family or are they expecting to spend time with friends and girlfriends or boyfriends. It is important to settle this issue before Christmas. By discussing expectations and trying to accommodate everyone's wishes, you can avoid arguments. However, many times you cannot accommodate everyone's wishes and as the parents you may need to make the judgement call. If this occurs explain to your teenager you know they may be mad, but you hope they can understand and you would appreciate their cooperation. May be you make arrangements for them to spend time with their friends the day before or after Christmas.
The next discussion is gifts. Explain to your children the point of Christmas is to appreciate and to be grateful for the people in your life and what you do have in your life. Therefore, if your grandparents give you something you do not like, be grateful that they thought about you and say thank you. Try not to make faces or act disappointed and hurt your grandparents feelings. Again remind them the Holidays are a time to be grateful for what you have in your life.
Reminding your children about being grateful leads us into the next tip for decreasing Holiday Stress. Lori Lite who writes about stress uses the acronym G-R-A-T-E-F-U-L as her Holiday stress guide. It helps her and others get through the day in a peaceful manner. Each letter reminds you of something to do or a way to view the day so you do not get upset.
So here is how to use Gratitude as your Holiday Stress Reliever.
G- Gratitude is the opposite of stress. It is difficult to feel stressed out when we are feeling gratitude.
R- Relax your expectations and let the day unfold. You might be surprised by the outcome.
A- Acceptance is the opposite of judgment. If we accept our family member for who they are and what they are capable of we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
T- Teens can be a part of the Holidays. Ask them what they would like to contribute to the evening or day. Let them what they feel they can contribute.
E- Empower children and let them help with age appropriate assignments. Putting the nuts out or making the centerpiece. Let them do it their way…not your way.
F– Focus on family for this day. Put all work and worries on the shelf
U– Unplug the electronics for dinner so that everyone can be fully present.
L- Love is often overlooked when we are busy. Be present with love… Speak with love… Show your love and gratitude for your family during this Holiday time.
This might seem very simple and obvious, but at times the best solutions are rather simple. Also you may want to practice using this in your daily life. It may seem simple, but it may be harder to do than you think because you are accustomed to doing things and viewing life in a certain way. This idea may challenge you to reassess how you approach life in general.
Many of us are not use to looking at our lives in terms of what we have to be grateful for. Also many of us have a hard time relaxing and not worrying about work or other things we need to do. I have found that just being in the moment is difficult for most people. Most of us believe we always have to be doing something. This creates stress and disappointment. Finally, since we feel we must always be doing something, disconnecting from cellphones and other electronics can be very difficult for the children and for adults too. However, think about it? How can you have fun and enjoy the day with your family, if your mind is not fully present? You can't. Furthermore, this can create tension for others because they feel ignored and for you because you feel they don't respect how important what you are doing at the moment is to you. As a result, you have stress which can turn into an argument and everyone is upset. A day of happiness becomes a day of anger and disappointment.
If you notice you are getting angry or your teenager is getting angry use the acronym HALT:
H - hunger, do not try to discuss a difficult situation if you or your teen are hungry.
A - anger, if it is obvious someone is angry give them time to calm down before discussing an issue. Pushing a discussion when someone is angry will only result in making a bad situation worse.
Lonely - lonely, if someone is feeling down or alone again pushing them to talk can make it worse. Let them know when they are ready you are there to listen.
Tired - tired, trying to have a conversation with a tired teenager can turn into an argument fast. Wait until they are ready to talk. There is no need to make a bad situation worse.
Therefore, in order to avoid the possibility of an unpleasant Holiday for everyone try to
use the words GRATEFUL and HALT as guidelines for the day. What do you have to lose?
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children, teenagers and their families. He has over 19 years experience. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or visit his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3.
The Truth About the Holidays and Suicide
The Holidays and depression. Many people assume they go together and that suicide rates increase during this time of year. Well according to the statistics from the CDC, suicide rates actually drop during the Holiday Season. The study by the CDC is not sure why they drop but they do. May be they drop because during this time of year we pay more attention to depression and suicide. There are a number of ads and social media posts where people can call if they feel suicidal.
What the CDC did find is that loneliness increases during this time of year. During the Holidays there are songs and plenty of television shows regarding getting together with family and friends. You also have people talking about all the Christmas parties that they have to go to. However, this is not the case for everyone.
If you are a military family a loved one may be stationed overseas and won't be home for Christmas. Also during the year some close friends or loved ones may have died during the year. It is during this time when most people are talking about family and friends that you remember the people you have lost over the year. The first Holiday Season without a close loved one or friend can be very difficult. You may not feeling like celebrating or you may have to change Holiday traditions which can make some one feel sad and lonely.
Another common difficulty during this time of year is money. Many people feel like they need to spend a great deal of money to show love. They may just be able to pay their monthly bills and cannot afford Holiday gifts. Why do we need to spend money to show that we care? What if you write a letter to someone telling them how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Isn't that the real purpose of the Holiday Season? Isn't this the time of year we take to tell people in our lives how much we appreciate them. Also it's an opportunity to tell people we tend to ignore, people sleeping on the street or who are dealing with mental illness that they are important too?
As a psychotherapist, I have seen that people dealing with mental illness feel lonely and out of place during this time of year. They don't often feel the joy of the season. Sometimes they struggle just to make it through the day. Also mental illness is something we don't discuss as a society. We tend to act like it doesn't exist so we ignore the issue. Also since it is an uncomfortable issue for many people the feelings of shame and embarrassment become associated with mental illness. This makes it less likely for people dealing with it or families who have a family member dealing with it to talk about it or seek help. This can make people feel lonely and isolated especially during this time of year.
We seldom acknowledge the daily struggle that people and families dealing with mental illness go through on a daily basis. It is important to acknowledge that mental illness is not a weakness it is a medical condition. There is no reason to look down on someone with mental illness. We offer encouragement and support to people with cancer, why can't we do the same for people with mental illness?
I have included a link to a video where a teenager discusses dealing with depression https://youtu.be/dAzqGcOLXBs. Listen to what he has to say and answer the question, does he deserve to be looked down upon because he is depressed?
Also remember the Holidays can be a lonely time for people. So if you see someone who looks like they are having a hard time or know someone who is struggling during this season, try to help. Do something kind for them. Another thing to remember, being kind to people should be a year round activity for all of us. We should not just be kind during the Holidays. If we try to be kind all year, we may be able to decrease how many people feel lonely and depressed. Also if we are kind and offering support year round may be we can eliminate the negative stereotype associated with mental health.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating depression and suicide especially depressed and suicidal children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3
What the CDC did find is that loneliness increases during this time of year. During the Holidays there are songs and plenty of television shows regarding getting together with family and friends. You also have people talking about all the Christmas parties that they have to go to. However, this is not the case for everyone.
If you are a military family a loved one may be stationed overseas and won't be home for Christmas. Also during the year some close friends or loved ones may have died during the year. It is during this time when most people are talking about family and friends that you remember the people you have lost over the year. The first Holiday Season without a close loved one or friend can be very difficult. You may not feeling like celebrating or you may have to change Holiday traditions which can make some one feel sad and lonely.
Another common difficulty during this time of year is money. Many people feel like they need to spend a great deal of money to show love. They may just be able to pay their monthly bills and cannot afford Holiday gifts. Why do we need to spend money to show that we care? What if you write a letter to someone telling them how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Isn't that the real purpose of the Holiday Season? Isn't this the time of year we take to tell people in our lives how much we appreciate them. Also it's an opportunity to tell people we tend to ignore, people sleeping on the street or who are dealing with mental illness that they are important too?
As a psychotherapist, I have seen that people dealing with mental illness feel lonely and out of place during this time of year. They don't often feel the joy of the season. Sometimes they struggle just to make it through the day. Also mental illness is something we don't discuss as a society. We tend to act like it doesn't exist so we ignore the issue. Also since it is an uncomfortable issue for many people the feelings of shame and embarrassment become associated with mental illness. This makes it less likely for people dealing with it or families who have a family member dealing with it to talk about it or seek help. This can make people feel lonely and isolated especially during this time of year.
We seldom acknowledge the daily struggle that people and families dealing with mental illness go through on a daily basis. It is important to acknowledge that mental illness is not a weakness it is a medical condition. There is no reason to look down on someone with mental illness. We offer encouragement and support to people with cancer, why can't we do the same for people with mental illness?
I have included a link to a video where a teenager discusses dealing with depression https://youtu.be/dAzqGcOLXBs. Listen to what he has to say and answer the question, does he deserve to be looked down upon because he is depressed?
Also remember the Holidays can be a lonely time for people. So if you see someone who looks like they are having a hard time or know someone who is struggling during this season, try to help. Do something kind for them. Another thing to remember, being kind to people should be a year round activity for all of us. We should not just be kind during the Holidays. If we try to be kind all year, we may be able to decrease how many people feel lonely and depressed. Also if we are kind and offering support year round may be we can eliminate the negative stereotype associated with mental health.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating depression and suicide especially depressed and suicidal children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Christmas and Divorce
The Holiday season is usually a difficult and stressful time for many families. Everyone trying to make plans and trying to see grandparents and other family members. It can be especially difficult for divorce families. After a divorce the issues often become even more stressful.
One thing that parents need to remember is that they decided on the divorce the children did not. I often hear arguments about parents want their time or wanting to continue their family's holiday traditions. However, they often ignore what the children want to do.
Many times a divorce may be finalized, but the parents are not done fighting with each other. Therefore, the use Christmas as a reason to continue to argue or try to hurt each other. What they forget is they are really hurting their children more than each other.
Based on dealing with families who are divorced, I would make the following recommendations to parents. First, parents need to remember that Christmas is more about the children not them. Next they need to develop a plan together regarding the Holidays. The first step is for the parents to talk together about what the children seem to enjoy the most about Christmas. Also parents should also ask the children what they enjoy most about Christmas.
After you have this information then sit down civilly and see how you can allow the children to do what they enjoy most about Christmas. Another thing to remember is the children should not be forced to choose between Mom and Dad. Come up with a plan where the children have equal time with both parents. Also they should have equal time with grandparents, cousins and other Extended family from Mom and Dad's side.
The other thing is don't turn Christmas into a competition. Gifts should not be used to influence the children. You should discuss with each other what your children want and what you plan to get the children. When you were married you discussed what to get them so even after the divorce you can coparent and discuss what is realistic and what is not.
Finally, remember Christmas time is a time to get together as a family and enjoy each other. Therefore, for the sake of your children put your divorce aside and decide how this can be a happy family time for everyone. If you can do things together, that would be the ideal situation. If you can't then being kind to each other and making the Holiday season fun for the children is the goal for you as parents. Stated another way, the children should still feel like they have one family at Christmas not two. Maybe things are being done a little differently because of the divorce but they still have a mother and father.
If you achieve this goal, it will make you feel better too. A divorce should not wreck your lives. Obviously, your lives will change after a divorce but you can still be a family.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years working with children/teenagers and families. For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com
One thing that parents need to remember is that they decided on the divorce the children did not. I often hear arguments about parents want their time or wanting to continue their family's holiday traditions. However, they often ignore what the children want to do.
Many times a divorce may be finalized, but the parents are not done fighting with each other. Therefore, the use Christmas as a reason to continue to argue or try to hurt each other. What they forget is they are really hurting their children more than each other.
Based on dealing with families who are divorced, I would make the following recommendations to parents. First, parents need to remember that Christmas is more about the children not them. Next they need to develop a plan together regarding the Holidays. The first step is for the parents to talk together about what the children seem to enjoy the most about Christmas. Also parents should also ask the children what they enjoy most about Christmas.
After you have this information then sit down civilly and see how you can allow the children to do what they enjoy most about Christmas. Another thing to remember is the children should not be forced to choose between Mom and Dad. Come up with a plan where the children have equal time with both parents. Also they should have equal time with grandparents, cousins and other Extended family from Mom and Dad's side.
The other thing is don't turn Christmas into a competition. Gifts should not be used to influence the children. You should discuss with each other what your children want and what you plan to get the children. When you were married you discussed what to get them so even after the divorce you can coparent and discuss what is realistic and what is not.
Finally, remember Christmas time is a time to get together as a family and enjoy each other. Therefore, for the sake of your children put your divorce aside and decide how this can be a happy family time for everyone. If you can do things together, that would be the ideal situation. If you can't then being kind to each other and making the Holiday season fun for the children is the goal for you as parents. Stated another way, the children should still feel like they have one family at Christmas not two. Maybe things are being done a little differently because of the divorce but they still have a mother and father.
If you achieve this goal, it will make you feel better too. A divorce should not wreck your lives. Obviously, your lives will change after a divorce but you can still be a family.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years working with children/teenagers and families. For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com
A Warning regarding Teenage Underground Parties
The fire in Oakland is a terrible, tragedy. A number of young lives have been lost needlessly and many families and friends are going through the fear and worry of waiting to hear if their loved one is okay or hear the news that they are fearing that their loved one has died. Unfortunately, this was a tragedy that was waiting to occur and could happen again.
These "underground parties" are very common with teenagers and college students. The place of the parties are usually posted on Facebook or other social media sites that teenagers use the day before the party. Typically these parties occur in warehouses in Oakland and San Francisco. The party organizers do not get permits nor do they consider safety. Typically at these parties there is a lot of alcohol and drugs such as ecstasy, pink, spice, wax, heroin etc. Therefore, the party organizers are looking for out of the way locations were they are unlikely to be detected by the police.
Many teenagers view these parties as fun because of the dancing and because typically these parties start late at night and go until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. Also since it is undergone if they want to drink or use any of the drugs they can. All they need is the money to buy it and no one will stop them.
Typically a teen will be looking on social media to find the underground parties for the weekend. Often while online they meet other people who are going and they often make plans to go with someone they just met online. Since the parties start usually after 10pm many parents don't know if their teenager is going to an underground party. The teen usually says they are spending the night at a friends house and they sneak out of the friends house to go to the party.
I have had many teenagers tell me about these parties. When I point out the risk such as they don't know anything about who set it up, the safety of the area or the warehouse, the safety of the people since they just met these people and the safety of the drugs since they have no idea about what they are really taking or drinking. Teenagers tend to say that I am over concerned and there is nothing to worry about because they have gone to these parties before.
However, the fire in Oakland shows there is something to worry about. The organizer had no concerns about safety nor is he taking responsibility for the fire and what happened. Furthermore, since it was done secretly no one knows for sure who was there and if they are safe or not. I saw a page on Facebook for people to check in as safe. However, this doesn't help the families who are waiting to hear about a loved one or who lost a loved one.
Parents this is an excellent time to sit down with your teenager and talk about these "underground parties." Discuss the dangers associated with these parties. Teenagers may argue about the fact that these parties are safe, but point to the Oakland party as an example that the parties are not safe. Discuss with your teen other places they can go to and hear the tech and dance music and where they can go and dance.
Parents we also need to put pressure on the authorities to hold the owner of these warehouses and party organizers responsible for what happens at these parties. This fire was a horrific event, but many kids overdose at these parties. Many of these teens die because no one wants to call the police or everyone is so busy dancing and using that they don't notice if someone has overdosed. Again, the organizer is never held responsible.
One last point, parents when you discuss the "underground parties" with your teenagers use the Oakland fire as proof that bad things can and do happen. Many teenagers feel safe taking chances with their lives because they don't believe anything will happen to them. The tragedy in Oakland proves something can happen.
My thoughts and prayers are with the families who lost a loved one in the fire or who are still waiting to hear. My thoughts and prayers are also with the first responders who are working day and night and also being traumatized by what they are seeing. This is a terrible tragedy that we hopefully will learn from and prevent another tragedy in the future.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with teenagers and learning about their online activities. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.
These "underground parties" are very common with teenagers and college students. The place of the parties are usually posted on Facebook or other social media sites that teenagers use the day before the party. Typically these parties occur in warehouses in Oakland and San Francisco. The party organizers do not get permits nor do they consider safety. Typically at these parties there is a lot of alcohol and drugs such as ecstasy, pink, spice, wax, heroin etc. Therefore, the party organizers are looking for out of the way locations were they are unlikely to be detected by the police.
Many teenagers view these parties as fun because of the dancing and because typically these parties start late at night and go until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. Also since it is undergone if they want to drink or use any of the drugs they can. All they need is the money to buy it and no one will stop them.
Typically a teen will be looking on social media to find the underground parties for the weekend. Often while online they meet other people who are going and they often make plans to go with someone they just met online. Since the parties start usually after 10pm many parents don't know if their teenager is going to an underground party. The teen usually says they are spending the night at a friends house and they sneak out of the friends house to go to the party.
I have had many teenagers tell me about these parties. When I point out the risk such as they don't know anything about who set it up, the safety of the area or the warehouse, the safety of the people since they just met these people and the safety of the drugs since they have no idea about what they are really taking or drinking. Teenagers tend to say that I am over concerned and there is nothing to worry about because they have gone to these parties before.
However, the fire in Oakland shows there is something to worry about. The organizer had no concerns about safety nor is he taking responsibility for the fire and what happened. Furthermore, since it was done secretly no one knows for sure who was there and if they are safe or not. I saw a page on Facebook for people to check in as safe. However, this doesn't help the families who are waiting to hear about a loved one or who lost a loved one.
Parents this is an excellent time to sit down with your teenager and talk about these "underground parties." Discuss the dangers associated with these parties. Teenagers may argue about the fact that these parties are safe, but point to the Oakland party as an example that the parties are not safe. Discuss with your teen other places they can go to and hear the tech and dance music and where they can go and dance.
Parents we also need to put pressure on the authorities to hold the owner of these warehouses and party organizers responsible for what happens at these parties. This fire was a horrific event, but many kids overdose at these parties. Many of these teens die because no one wants to call the police or everyone is so busy dancing and using that they don't notice if someone has overdosed. Again, the organizer is never held responsible.
One last point, parents when you discuss the "underground parties" with your teenagers use the Oakland fire as proof that bad things can and do happen. Many teenagers feel safe taking chances with their lives because they don't believe anything will happen to them. The tragedy in Oakland proves something can happen.
My thoughts and prayers are with the families who lost a loved one in the fire or who are still waiting to hear. My thoughts and prayers are also with the first responders who are working day and night and also being traumatized by what they are seeing. This is a terrible tragedy that we hopefully will learn from and prevent another tragedy in the future.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with teenagers and learning about their online activities. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Why Some Teenagers Act Out
It seems that many adults do not really understand what children want from adults. It also seems from what I have seen and heard that many adults do not understand that children are not bad. Children are not born bad, we make them bad by how we treat them. Yes you do have children with loving parents and families who make very poor choices in their lives. As a result, they end up in jail or hurting people. However, these are the rare cases.
The most important relationships in a child's life is his/her relationship with his/her parents. A child wants love and to feel wanted by their parents. Parents are a child's safety net. As long as Mom and Dad are okay then they are okay. If their parents are not okay, then a child's safety and life is in danger. Children cannot tolerate this fear. Therefore, if their parents have a problem instead of seeing their parents with problems a child changes the situation so their parents are great and the child is bad.
I have seen this many times with foster children. Their parents are usually great people and Social Services are being mean to their parents. They can be living is the best foster home in the world and if you ask them if they want to return to their natural parents, they say yes. They are desperate for that validation from their parents.
The problem is many parents do not know how to express love to their children because they never experienced it themselves as children. Therefore, they do the best they can do and feel they are good parents because they are better than their parents. However, when they hear their children asking for more they get mad at their children. They want their children to validate them for being good parents. They do not understand that a child doesn't have the cognitive abilities to do so.
Therefore, a child tends to feel unloved, unwanted and form a belief they are useless. They tend to hang around people who reinforce this belief. They are afraid of people who might love them. They are afraid these people will discover the truth about them and leave them. They feel safer with the people who tell them they are worthless.
Walking around with this feeling can hurt a great deal. As a result, kids start to do drugs, alcohol and hang out with gangs. The drugs and alcohol help to numb out the pain of feeling worthless while at the same time it reinforces the belief that they are worthless.
Most often these kids act out at school and tend to get arrested for stealing or drugs. Some people try to help but the child pushes people away. It is better to leave someone than to be left. Most people get tired and say there is nothing else they can go and give up. Once again, reinforcing the child's belief.
These are the children and teenagers who really need our help. The harder they push us away, the harder we have to say we won't go. There have been many times that I have hint to Juvenile Hall to do sessions. The teen is shocked! I tell them that I told them they can push as hard as they want, but I won't believe they are bad or walk out. At times this is difficult because they often test me over and over to see if I am for real. If they see I am for real, I am only one person they need other people to stay.
What I have seen in working with teens who act out for over 19 years, is they are looking for someone to say I care and you are important. They prefer that it comes from their biological parents, but once they accept their biological parents cannot provide this, they look to other adults.
Those of us who work with acting out teenagers as therapists, teachers or foster parents need to understand how severely these children have been hurt by their biological parents and the hard work it takes helping them over come that wound.
Extended family such as aunts and uncles, you too need to understand how deep the wound is for these kids. If you are not dealing with your own wounds, they need you to be in it for the long run.
This may seem like I am asking for a great deal, but look at how many teens are dying from suicide, drug overdose, shootings etc. When you see the number of young lives being lost you can see that it is worth the effort.
Yes it takes a great deal of effort but when you communicate to a teen that yes you are worth something, you are love able and I care about you. Watch how they go out into the world and help others and share love with others. So the price is worth seeing a teen full of life and going out and sharing it with the world. Watch some of Challenge Day's videos on YouTube to see the love teens can spread if we give them love.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with high risk teenagers & foster children and is an expert in this area. For more information on Dr Rubino visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.
The most important relationships in a child's life is his/her relationship with his/her parents. A child wants love and to feel wanted by their parents. Parents are a child's safety net. As long as Mom and Dad are okay then they are okay. If their parents are not okay, then a child's safety and life is in danger. Children cannot tolerate this fear. Therefore, if their parents have a problem instead of seeing their parents with problems a child changes the situation so their parents are great and the child is bad.
I have seen this many times with foster children. Their parents are usually great people and Social Services are being mean to their parents. They can be living is the best foster home in the world and if you ask them if they want to return to their natural parents, they say yes. They are desperate for that validation from their parents.
The problem is many parents do not know how to express love to their children because they never experienced it themselves as children. Therefore, they do the best they can do and feel they are good parents because they are better than their parents. However, when they hear their children asking for more they get mad at their children. They want their children to validate them for being good parents. They do not understand that a child doesn't have the cognitive abilities to do so.
Therefore, a child tends to feel unloved, unwanted and form a belief they are useless. They tend to hang around people who reinforce this belief. They are afraid of people who might love them. They are afraid these people will discover the truth about them and leave them. They feel safer with the people who tell them they are worthless.
Walking around with this feeling can hurt a great deal. As a result, kids start to do drugs, alcohol and hang out with gangs. The drugs and alcohol help to numb out the pain of feeling worthless while at the same time it reinforces the belief that they are worthless.
Most often these kids act out at school and tend to get arrested for stealing or drugs. Some people try to help but the child pushes people away. It is better to leave someone than to be left. Most people get tired and say there is nothing else they can go and give up. Once again, reinforcing the child's belief.
These are the children and teenagers who really need our help. The harder they push us away, the harder we have to say we won't go. There have been many times that I have hint to Juvenile Hall to do sessions. The teen is shocked! I tell them that I told them they can push as hard as they want, but I won't believe they are bad or walk out. At times this is difficult because they often test me over and over to see if I am for real. If they see I am for real, I am only one person they need other people to stay.
What I have seen in working with teens who act out for over 19 years, is they are looking for someone to say I care and you are important. They prefer that it comes from their biological parents, but once they accept their biological parents cannot provide this, they look to other adults.
Those of us who work with acting out teenagers as therapists, teachers or foster parents need to understand how severely these children have been hurt by their biological parents and the hard work it takes helping them over come that wound.
Extended family such as aunts and uncles, you too need to understand how deep the wound is for these kids. If you are not dealing with your own wounds, they need you to be in it for the long run.
This may seem like I am asking for a great deal, but look at how many teens are dying from suicide, drug overdose, shootings etc. When you see the number of young lives being lost you can see that it is worth the effort.
Yes it takes a great deal of effort but when you communicate to a teen that yes you are worth something, you are love able and I care about you. Watch how they go out into the world and help others and share love with others. So the price is worth seeing a teen full of life and going out and sharing it with the world. Watch some of Challenge Day's videos on YouTube to see the love teens can spread if we give them love.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with high risk teenagers & foster children and is an expert in this area. For more information on Dr Rubino visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.
Friday, November 25, 2016
A New Issue Related to Teenage Concussions
Many parents of high school athletes are aware of the dangers of concussions. Even one concussion can cause permanent damage according to recent research studies. However, there is another condition that parents need to be aware of when their child plays sports. This disorder is CTE. CTE is Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) it is a progressive degenerative disease of the brain found in athletes (and others) with a history of repetitive brain trauma, including symptomatic concussions as well as asymptomatic subconcussive hits to the head.
Our brain sits in our skull surrounded by fluid. Therefore, any time anyone hits their head or their head is jarred around, the brain moves in this fluid hitting the front and back of your skull or the sides of the skull depending on what direction the force came from. When the brain hits the skull it can cause bruising and microscopic tears of very fine nerve fibers. Nerve fibers that are too small to be seen on an MRI or a CT scan.
Physicians have known that CTE effects boxers for many years, however, it was just recently that evidence showed that football players are at risk too. This was the main focus of the movie, Concussion, starring Will Smith. The NFL did everything they could to stop the filming of this movie. The movie shows how CTE results in the patient becoming severely depressed and psychotic. Many of the patients with CTE commit suicide. Also many CTE patients were football players.
Why is this important for parents to know? It is important because CTE is caused by chronic head injuries. Head injuries that date back to when a teenager was playing high school sports. Therefore, it is important for parents to ensure that their teenager's school is using the latest safety gear, especially for the head, and to take any head injuries seriously. There is no way to tell what will happen when these teenagers become adults.
As an adolescent psychotherapist who has been practicing for 19 years, I am seeing more evidence of this every year. Every year I am seeing more teens with Post Concussion Syndrome. This may occur after a concussion and can be associated with headaches, mood swings and memory difficulties. The teenagers who experiences this Syndrome become very frustrated because they are aware of the changes and because no one can say how long the symptoms will continue. In fact, no one can guarantee that the symptoms will disappear.
This becomes very frustrating to the teenager and their parents. Some teenagers are so overwhelmed that they start self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Anything that they think might help. Others become so depressed because they fear that the symptoms are permanent that they become suicidal and may attempt suicide.
For many years these head injuries in teenagers were down played because there was not enough evidence to indicate that teenagers could be impacted by head injuries. Well the research clearly indicates that teenagers can suffer long term results from a single concussion. Additionally, this can create symptoms that are overwhelming for the teenager and their family. Imagine being a parent and you see your child suffering with Post Concussion Syndrome and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Parents also become depressed and nervous that their child may never recover.
Another issue to consider, in CTE, patients have mood swings and feel like they are going crazy. They do not understand what is happening inside their head. Many teenagers who act out often report the same feelings and the fear that they are going crazy. Many of these teenagers have had head injuries. It is possible that teenagers may also suffer from CTE?
Everyone's brain is different and so is the recovery process. This means we have no way of knowing how many Concussions or head traumas it takes before CTE is started in someone. It also means we have no way to determine how long it will take for someone to recover from a concussion or if they will have permanent impairments. We only can tell after it occurs not before.
We do know that patients recovering from Post Concussion Syndrome or dealing with CTE can benefit from psychotherapy. Often this option is not given to teenagers because again many people believe teenagers are very unlikely to suffer with these issues. However, if you look at the research it indicates that teenagers can and do suffer from Post Concussion Syndrome and teenage head injuries can cause CTE.
As a psychotherapist who treats teenagers with head injuries, I strongly encourage every parent to watch the movie, Concussion. Also before your child starts playing any competitive sports, such as football or soccer, go online and research head injuries and signs and symptoms of concussions. Also if you teenager does sustain a head injury while playing sports or just playing have them evaluated. You never know how severe a head injury is by just looking at someone. A few years ago an actress fell in the snow and her friends said to go to the doctor she said she was fine. Two hours later she was dead. When she fell she caused her brain to bleed and she died.
Above all, use your best judgement as a parent. Do not be afraid to ask for a CT scan or an MRI if your child suffers any type of head injury. If your teenager does sustain a concussion and you notice a personality change or memory issues do not hesitate to seek psychotherapy for your child and for yourselves. Also don't hesitate to talk to your teenagers high school. If the teenager is having problems concentrating after a head injury, the school may need to provide them with accommodations until the child recovers.
This can be an overwhelming and frightening topic to consider but the more you educate yourself, the easier it will be to manage. If you have additional questions regarding the personality changes or neuropsychological changes with head injuries, please feel free to contact me.
Dr. Michael Rubino has been treating children and teenagers for over 19 years. He also has training in neuropsychology. For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his website that deals with accommodations at school www.lucascenter.org
Our brain sits in our skull surrounded by fluid. Therefore, any time anyone hits their head or their head is jarred around, the brain moves in this fluid hitting the front and back of your skull or the sides of the skull depending on what direction the force came from. When the brain hits the skull it can cause bruising and microscopic tears of very fine nerve fibers. Nerve fibers that are too small to be seen on an MRI or a CT scan.
Physicians have known that CTE effects boxers for many years, however, it was just recently that evidence showed that football players are at risk too. This was the main focus of the movie, Concussion, starring Will Smith. The NFL did everything they could to stop the filming of this movie. The movie shows how CTE results in the patient becoming severely depressed and psychotic. Many of the patients with CTE commit suicide. Also many CTE patients were football players.
Why is this important for parents to know? It is important because CTE is caused by chronic head injuries. Head injuries that date back to when a teenager was playing high school sports. Therefore, it is important for parents to ensure that their teenager's school is using the latest safety gear, especially for the head, and to take any head injuries seriously. There is no way to tell what will happen when these teenagers become adults.
As an adolescent psychotherapist who has been practicing for 19 years, I am seeing more evidence of this every year. Every year I am seeing more teens with Post Concussion Syndrome. This may occur after a concussion and can be associated with headaches, mood swings and memory difficulties. The teenagers who experiences this Syndrome become very frustrated because they are aware of the changes and because no one can say how long the symptoms will continue. In fact, no one can guarantee that the symptoms will disappear.
This becomes very frustrating to the teenager and their parents. Some teenagers are so overwhelmed that they start self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Anything that they think might help. Others become so depressed because they fear that the symptoms are permanent that they become suicidal and may attempt suicide.
For many years these head injuries in teenagers were down played because there was not enough evidence to indicate that teenagers could be impacted by head injuries. Well the research clearly indicates that teenagers can suffer long term results from a single concussion. Additionally, this can create symptoms that are overwhelming for the teenager and their family. Imagine being a parent and you see your child suffering with Post Concussion Syndrome and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Parents also become depressed and nervous that their child may never recover.
Another issue to consider, in CTE, patients have mood swings and feel like they are going crazy. They do not understand what is happening inside their head. Many teenagers who act out often report the same feelings and the fear that they are going crazy. Many of these teenagers have had head injuries. It is possible that teenagers may also suffer from CTE?
Everyone's brain is different and so is the recovery process. This means we have no way of knowing how many Concussions or head traumas it takes before CTE is started in someone. It also means we have no way to determine how long it will take for someone to recover from a concussion or if they will have permanent impairments. We only can tell after it occurs not before.
We do know that patients recovering from Post Concussion Syndrome or dealing with CTE can benefit from psychotherapy. Often this option is not given to teenagers because again many people believe teenagers are very unlikely to suffer with these issues. However, if you look at the research it indicates that teenagers can and do suffer from Post Concussion Syndrome and teenage head injuries can cause CTE.
As a psychotherapist who treats teenagers with head injuries, I strongly encourage every parent to watch the movie, Concussion. Also before your child starts playing any competitive sports, such as football or soccer, go online and research head injuries and signs and symptoms of concussions. Also if you teenager does sustain a head injury while playing sports or just playing have them evaluated. You never know how severe a head injury is by just looking at someone. A few years ago an actress fell in the snow and her friends said to go to the doctor she said she was fine. Two hours later she was dead. When she fell she caused her brain to bleed and she died.
Above all, use your best judgement as a parent. Do not be afraid to ask for a CT scan or an MRI if your child suffers any type of head injury. If your teenager does sustain a concussion and you notice a personality change or memory issues do not hesitate to seek psychotherapy for your child and for yourselves. Also don't hesitate to talk to your teenagers high school. If the teenager is having problems concentrating after a head injury, the school may need to provide them with accommodations until the child recovers.
This can be an overwhelming and frightening topic to consider but the more you educate yourself, the easier it will be to manage. If you have additional questions regarding the personality changes or neuropsychological changes with head injuries, please feel free to contact me.
Dr. Michael Rubino has been treating children and teenagers for over 19 years. He also has training in neuropsychology. For more information about Dr. Rubino's work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his website that deals with accommodations at school www.lucascenter.org
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
The Importance of Extended Family
In our fast pace world and chaotic lives we sometimes forget the importance of passing on traditions from generation to generation. Another problem that impacts this is our society has become very mobile. We no longer live close to our relatives. It's not uncommon for grandchildren to live in California and grandparents to live back east. And with jobs becoming more difficult to find and the cost of living increasing families are moving where ever they can find a job or to a place where the cost of living is affordable.
The problem is the close family provided support and help for the family. Children could establish close relationships with grandparents and aunts and uncles. These adults could serve as additional role models and inform parents if something seemed off with the child.
The other thing that the close connection to generations was a sense of security. If there was a problem a child knew they could turn to their parents, aunts or uncles or cousins. It also helped a child's self-esteem. You had the adults who could reinforce that you were worthy and you had cousins who would defend you at school or in the neighborhood because you were worth it. Also your older cousins could help you learn what to expect as you went from grade to grade. There was a sense of support and security that most children don't have today.
The advancement in computers and communication may provide a way to try to recreate this sense of family. With such things as Skype where you can talk and see the other person, it's almost like being with the person. Children can Skype with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins too. We just have to make time for it. For those families that live close to each other, you need to remember the value of family and make time for family. At times it may be difficult, but you will find that the time and effort are worth it. I have found that children with close family ties and connections to their cultures do better. They have a sense of pride and a sense of where the came from that other children don't.
I have attached a link to an article with a link to an article about sharing traditions with family. Check out this article from First 5 LA: http://www.first5la.org/index.php?r=site/article&id=3615&utm_content=buffere936a&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer.
I think you will find it interesting.
Dr Michael Rubino has been working with children/teens and their families for over 19 years and is well respected. For more information at Dr Rubino's work or his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com.
The problem is the close family provided support and help for the family. Children could establish close relationships with grandparents and aunts and uncles. These adults could serve as additional role models and inform parents if something seemed off with the child.
The other thing that the close connection to generations was a sense of security. If there was a problem a child knew they could turn to their parents, aunts or uncles or cousins. It also helped a child's self-esteem. You had the adults who could reinforce that you were worthy and you had cousins who would defend you at school or in the neighborhood because you were worth it. Also your older cousins could help you learn what to expect as you went from grade to grade. There was a sense of support and security that most children don't have today.
The advancement in computers and communication may provide a way to try to recreate this sense of family. With such things as Skype where you can talk and see the other person, it's almost like being with the person. Children can Skype with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins too. We just have to make time for it. For those families that live close to each other, you need to remember the value of family and make time for family. At times it may be difficult, but you will find that the time and effort are worth it. I have found that children with close family ties and connections to their cultures do better. They have a sense of pride and a sense of where the came from that other children don't.
I have attached a link to an article with a link to an article about sharing traditions with family. Check out this article from First 5 LA: http://www.first5la.org/index.php?r=site/article&id=3615&utm_content=buffere936a&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer.
I think you will find it interesting.
Dr Michael Rubino has been working with children/teens and their families for over 19 years and is well respected. For more information at Dr Rubino's work or his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Pink the new drug in town
Parents the name you need to know right now is Pink. This is the street name of a new synthetic drug being used by teenagers and college students. The legal name for this drug is U4. The DEA of the United States has banned the sale of this drug in all 50 states. However, the drug is still for sale on the internet. It is being sold by companies in China and it is being sold at a very cheap price. Therefore, teenagers can get it very easily.
This drug is twice as strong and heroin and seven times as strong as morphine. People often die the first time they use it. So far 100 deaths in the U.S. have been linked to Pink. It is currently mainly on the east coast but it is spreading across the country very quickly.
The drug comes in a white powder. Many teens assume they can use the same amount as if they were using morphine or heroin. However, this assumption is wrong. The drug is so deadly that the amount equivalent to a few grains of sand can kill someone. They call it Pink because teenagers typically snort it off their pinky. Teenagers who are buying this drug online often ignore the warning on the website that this drug is not for human consumption.
The DEA became aware of the drug two years ago and put a temporary ban on it. Now after further studies they have banned the sale of U4 or the street name for the drug, Pink, in all 50 states. Remember this drug is twice as strong as heroin and seven times as strong as morphine. We already have an epidemic of accidental overdosages from heroin in the U.S. The CDC estimated that in 2014 there were 50,000 deaths due to accidental heroin overdosages and a majority of these deaths were teenagers. Furthermore, the CDC statistics show a 62% increase over the past ten years in the number of accidental heroin deaths. Again most of the deaths are teenagers and children as young as 12 years old. Pink has the possibility to be far more devastating than any other drug.
As parents you need to go online and educate yourself about this drug. You also need to educate your teenagers and children in college about how dangerous this drug is in reality. Maybe they have already used it and nothing happened so they think people are exaggerating how dangerous this drug can be. However, this is the point you really need to understand this drug comes as a powder and using the size of one grain of sand too much can kill. There is no way to tell if you have too much on your pinky. Also since it is very new, we do not know the long term effects of this drug.
So again as parents educate your children about this drug and point out it states not for human use on many of the websites. Also if you notice any packages or bank charges by your teenager for buying items in China, check it out. This drug is not for sale in this country and the main way that people are obtaining it is via the internet from companies in China who still sell this drug.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating high risk teenagers. Those are teens who are suicidal, engage in cutting and drug use. These are a few examples but he is also an expert in providing psychotherapy to children and teenagers in general. For more information regarding his work or private visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.
This drug is twice as strong and heroin and seven times as strong as morphine. People often die the first time they use it. So far 100 deaths in the U.S. have been linked to Pink. It is currently mainly on the east coast but it is spreading across the country very quickly.
The drug comes in a white powder. Many teens assume they can use the same amount as if they were using morphine or heroin. However, this assumption is wrong. The drug is so deadly that the amount equivalent to a few grains of sand can kill someone. They call it Pink because teenagers typically snort it off their pinky. Teenagers who are buying this drug online often ignore the warning on the website that this drug is not for human consumption.
The DEA became aware of the drug two years ago and put a temporary ban on it. Now after further studies they have banned the sale of U4 or the street name for the drug, Pink, in all 50 states. Remember this drug is twice as strong as heroin and seven times as strong as morphine. We already have an epidemic of accidental overdosages from heroin in the U.S. The CDC estimated that in 2014 there were 50,000 deaths due to accidental heroin overdosages and a majority of these deaths were teenagers. Furthermore, the CDC statistics show a 62% increase over the past ten years in the number of accidental heroin deaths. Again most of the deaths are teenagers and children as young as 12 years old. Pink has the possibility to be far more devastating than any other drug.
As parents you need to go online and educate yourself about this drug. You also need to educate your teenagers and children in college about how dangerous this drug is in reality. Maybe they have already used it and nothing happened so they think people are exaggerating how dangerous this drug can be. However, this is the point you really need to understand this drug comes as a powder and using the size of one grain of sand too much can kill. There is no way to tell if you have too much on your pinky. Also since it is very new, we do not know the long term effects of this drug.
So again as parents educate your children about this drug and point out it states not for human use on many of the websites. Also if you notice any packages or bank charges by your teenager for buying items in China, check it out. This drug is not for sale in this country and the main way that people are obtaining it is via the internet from companies in China who still sell this drug.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating high risk teenagers. Those are teens who are suicidal, engage in cutting and drug use. These are a few examples but he is also an expert in providing psychotherapy to children and teenagers in general. For more information regarding his work or private visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
How Closely Should Parents Monitor Their Teenager?
In today's world there are many things for parents to worry about regarding their children. Parents worry about drugs, alcohol, sexting, teenagers send naked photos of themselves and online predators just to name a few. Teenagers have also developed ways to engage in activities without their parents knowledge. They have developed a texting language and apps that look like a way to get help for homework when it is really a way to chat online just to name a couple. So what is a parent to do?
Many parents have resorted to installing software on their teenagers cellphones and laptops so they can monitor everything their teenager is doing online. Other parents insist they must be present if their teenager is going online. However, are these approaches effective? From my experience as a therapist working with teens, the answer is no. I have many teens who tell me they now their parents are spying on their cellphones and they simply use different apps or have learned how to deactivate the program without their parent knowing. As for their parent being present again teenagers tell me they have developed a text language that their parents don't understand so they don't care if parents are present.
Another tactic that parents are using is monitoring where there teenagers are all the time via their cellphones. In addition parents are questioning their teenager about everything and wanting to meet all their friends and their friends parents. This often causes a number of arguments. Teenagers tell me they feel smothered by their parents and they resent the lack of trust. The most common result is this pushes the teenager a way from their parents and damaging the parent-teen relationship.
One final example is that more parents are using their teenager's school website. Parents are often checking weekly, some daily, what grades their teenager are getting in their classes and have they been doing and turning in their homework. Again, this creates a number of arguments. Teenagers feel like their parents don't trust them and they feel like they are being treated like a ten year old. The result I usually see are angry teenagers who don't want to talk to their parents due to the lack of trust.
When I speak with these parents, most parents are using these approaches out of fear. They hear about all the risks teenagers are exposed to these days and they don't want their teenagers to get hurt. In the parents defense, I have many teenagers in therapy because they are in trouble at school and/or probation for doing something they didn't think they could get in trouble for. The best example are pictures. If a teenager sends a naked picture of themselves to their boyfriend or girlfriend, they are guilty of transmitting child pornography. They are under 18 years old so they broke the law that they never were thinking about.
Since most parents are concerned about safety and not invading their teenagers privacy, I recommend a different approach to parents. We need to start discussing all of these issues with children in the third grade. Yes the third grade and it needs to be an on going conversation. Third graders are using computers and the research indicates this is usually the age when most children see porn for the first time.
Parents need to start discussing drugs, alcohol and sex too at a younger age. The research shows many kids try marijuana for the first time in the fifth grade. Also on middle school campuses many kids are selling Vicodin, Concerta etc. Furthermore, many middle schools provide condoms to sixth graders because research shows many children in middle school are sexually active.
The point is for parents to start having conversations early so your child is educated about risks and so they feel comfortable coming to you if there is a problem. Monitoring your child at this young age is appropriate. They still don't understand everything yet and as a parent it is your job to educate your child and keep them safe while doing so.
If you do so, this should reduce arguments and help build an open, honest relationship with your child.
As for teenagers who are 16 and 17 years old. Parents need to start to take a step back. The spyware is inappropriate and checking their homework all the time is inappropriate in my opinion. Knowing where there are going and coming home is appropriate especially if they are using your car. You need to remember in a year, year and a half your teenager will be 18 years old. They are then a legal adult and are responsible for their behavior.
Yes if you step back they may make some mistakes, but that is one way we learn. Also if they are going to make a mistake, it is better if they make it at 16 versus 18 years old. I understand that it may be frightening to let go, but if we want them to act like an adult, we need to allow them the opportunity to act like an adult. If you have been discussing issues with them since they were nine years old they should be prepared. Additionally, this way strengthens your relationship and helps your teenager make appropriate decisions because they know they can ask for help by talking to you.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers especially high risk teenagers. For more information about his work with teenagers or his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/Drrubiano3
Many parents have resorted to installing software on their teenagers cellphones and laptops so they can monitor everything their teenager is doing online. Other parents insist they must be present if their teenager is going online. However, are these approaches effective? From my experience as a therapist working with teens, the answer is no. I have many teens who tell me they now their parents are spying on their cellphones and they simply use different apps or have learned how to deactivate the program without their parent knowing. As for their parent being present again teenagers tell me they have developed a text language that their parents don't understand so they don't care if parents are present.
Another tactic that parents are using is monitoring where there teenagers are all the time via their cellphones. In addition parents are questioning their teenager about everything and wanting to meet all their friends and their friends parents. This often causes a number of arguments. Teenagers tell me they feel smothered by their parents and they resent the lack of trust. The most common result is this pushes the teenager a way from their parents and damaging the parent-teen relationship.
One final example is that more parents are using their teenager's school website. Parents are often checking weekly, some daily, what grades their teenager are getting in their classes and have they been doing and turning in their homework. Again, this creates a number of arguments. Teenagers feel like their parents don't trust them and they feel like they are being treated like a ten year old. The result I usually see are angry teenagers who don't want to talk to their parents due to the lack of trust.
When I speak with these parents, most parents are using these approaches out of fear. They hear about all the risks teenagers are exposed to these days and they don't want their teenagers to get hurt. In the parents defense, I have many teenagers in therapy because they are in trouble at school and/or probation for doing something they didn't think they could get in trouble for. The best example are pictures. If a teenager sends a naked picture of themselves to their boyfriend or girlfriend, they are guilty of transmitting child pornography. They are under 18 years old so they broke the law that they never were thinking about.
Since most parents are concerned about safety and not invading their teenagers privacy, I recommend a different approach to parents. We need to start discussing all of these issues with children in the third grade. Yes the third grade and it needs to be an on going conversation. Third graders are using computers and the research indicates this is usually the age when most children see porn for the first time.
Parents need to start discussing drugs, alcohol and sex too at a younger age. The research shows many kids try marijuana for the first time in the fifth grade. Also on middle school campuses many kids are selling Vicodin, Concerta etc. Furthermore, many middle schools provide condoms to sixth graders because research shows many children in middle school are sexually active.
The point is for parents to start having conversations early so your child is educated about risks and so they feel comfortable coming to you if there is a problem. Monitoring your child at this young age is appropriate. They still don't understand everything yet and as a parent it is your job to educate your child and keep them safe while doing so.
If you do so, this should reduce arguments and help build an open, honest relationship with your child.
As for teenagers who are 16 and 17 years old. Parents need to start to take a step back. The spyware is inappropriate and checking their homework all the time is inappropriate in my opinion. Knowing where there are going and coming home is appropriate especially if they are using your car. You need to remember in a year, year and a half your teenager will be 18 years old. They are then a legal adult and are responsible for their behavior.
Yes if you step back they may make some mistakes, but that is one way we learn. Also if they are going to make a mistake, it is better if they make it at 16 versus 18 years old. I understand that it may be frightening to let go, but if we want them to act like an adult, we need to allow them the opportunity to act like an adult. If you have been discussing issues with them since they were nine years old they should be prepared. Additionally, this way strengthens your relationship and helps your teenager make appropriate decisions because they know they can ask for help by talking to you.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers especially high risk teenagers. For more information about his work with teenagers or his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/Drrubiano3
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Psychotherapy is not a "dirty word"
In our society there is a huge negative stereotype about mental illness and treatment for mental illness. Given we live in the United States in the 21st century, this is quite surprising. Especially since statistics show the 1 in 5 people could benefit from psychotherapy (CDC, 2014).
Most people when they think about psychotherapy or mental illness, think of someone sleeping in the street or some one with severe schizophrenia. Because of this stereotype many people feel ashamed or embarrassed if they are told they need therapy. Family members also feel ashamed and embarrassed and never mention it to other people if someone in their family needs psychotherapy. People are afraid that other people will think they are "crazy" too, if someone in their family is going to therapy. However, most people who need treatment for a mental illness need treatment for depression or anxiety not schizophrenia.
Research studies show that most depression is due to a chemical imbalance in brain. Diabetes is due to the pancreas not being able to coordinate glucose levels in the body. We don't make a person with diabetes feel embarrassed or ashamed so why do we make someone dealing with depression feel embarrassed or ashamed?
What is the cost of this stereotype? People who have depression are at risk for suicide. The 2014 Center for Disease Control statistics show that suicide is the third leading cause of death for people aged10 to 24. Yes ten year old children are suffering from depression and are killing themselves. One of the most common methods is a gun. People assume this is a guarantee. Wrong, a gun is not a guarantee. Quite often the gun jumps and the person lives. However, they have to undergo multiple surgeries to try to rebuild their face. However, no matter how good the surgeon, the person is left with multiple permanent scars. Psychotherapy and medication might have prevented the suicide attempt.
However, because of our negative stereotype, depression and suicide have never been taken seriously. The Golden Gate Bridge is the most common place in the world for people to jump off when they are trying to commit suicide. It wasn't until just recently that the Bridge District voted on what type of anti-suicide barrier they are going to build. However, even though they have voted for an anti-suicide net, last week they were still debating the details. The Golden Gate Bridge is 78 years old. It has taken 78 years to do something about a life or death issue and they are still debating over minor details. BART has been around for decades and people have been jumping in front of trains for years. This year BART is starting an anti-suicide campaign. How many lives were lost needlessly to suicide, prior to this campaign and why have they waited so long to put one in place?
Often we assume it is a money issue. Only poor people commit suicide because they cannot afford treatment. The suicide of Robin Williams destroys that myth. He had plenty of financial resources for treatment and had been in and out of treatment centers for years. In an interview with Dyane Swayer he described how overwhelming depression is, he said, "no matter what there is always that little voice in the back of my mind saying jump." If that voice is always there but society is saying there is something wrong with you for having depression in the first place or because you have not over come it, are you going to ask for help or keep seeking help? No.
Yes society often blames the patient. Why don't they try harder? Why didn't they think of their family? After Robin Williams' suicide a number of comedians and actors talked about their silent struggle with depression. Rosie O'Donnell stated it best, "when you are that deep down in that black hole with intense emotional pain, the only think you can think about is how to stop the pain. You don't think about your family or anything else."
May was Mental Health Awareness Month, think about your opinion or thoughts about mental illness. Think about a 10 year old boy feeling that suicide is the only way out of his pain. Think about the fact that he is dealing with a medical diagnosis similar to diabetes or high blood pressure. If this is right, why is there this negative stigma about mental illness? If a child has diabetes he receives medical treatment, there are summer camps and there is no shame put on the child or the family.
We need to make a change in how we view or react to mental illness. We live in the United States of America and we are supposed to be the super power in the world. You wouldn't think that in the most powerful nation in the world that the third leading cause of death for our children is suicide. We must change this ridiculous stereotype we have about mental illness and start providing people and children with appropriate treatment for their mental illness. The life you save might be your's child's life or the life of a family member or friend.
We may want to look at England. The Duke and Duchesses of Cambridge and Prince Henry have formed a program called, Heads Together. The goal of the program is to eliminate the negative stereotype about mental health and to make sure people who need psychotherapy receive it. In fact, the Duchess of Cambridge said publicly that if either of her children ever need psychotherapy that they will receive it. We might want to follow their example.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating children and teenagers. He is very active in eliminating the stereotype about mental health. For more information about Dr. Rubino's practice or his work visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.
Most people when they think about psychotherapy or mental illness, think of someone sleeping in the street or some one with severe schizophrenia. Because of this stereotype many people feel ashamed or embarrassed if they are told they need therapy. Family members also feel ashamed and embarrassed and never mention it to other people if someone in their family needs psychotherapy. People are afraid that other people will think they are "crazy" too, if someone in their family is going to therapy. However, most people who need treatment for a mental illness need treatment for depression or anxiety not schizophrenia.
Research studies show that most depression is due to a chemical imbalance in brain. Diabetes is due to the pancreas not being able to coordinate glucose levels in the body. We don't make a person with diabetes feel embarrassed or ashamed so why do we make someone dealing with depression feel embarrassed or ashamed?
What is the cost of this stereotype? People who have depression are at risk for suicide. The 2014 Center for Disease Control statistics show that suicide is the third leading cause of death for people aged10 to 24. Yes ten year old children are suffering from depression and are killing themselves. One of the most common methods is a gun. People assume this is a guarantee. Wrong, a gun is not a guarantee. Quite often the gun jumps and the person lives. However, they have to undergo multiple surgeries to try to rebuild their face. However, no matter how good the surgeon, the person is left with multiple permanent scars. Psychotherapy and medication might have prevented the suicide attempt.
However, because of our negative stereotype, depression and suicide have never been taken seriously. The Golden Gate Bridge is the most common place in the world for people to jump off when they are trying to commit suicide. It wasn't until just recently that the Bridge District voted on what type of anti-suicide barrier they are going to build. However, even though they have voted for an anti-suicide net, last week they were still debating the details. The Golden Gate Bridge is 78 years old. It has taken 78 years to do something about a life or death issue and they are still debating over minor details. BART has been around for decades and people have been jumping in front of trains for years. This year BART is starting an anti-suicide campaign. How many lives were lost needlessly to suicide, prior to this campaign and why have they waited so long to put one in place?
Often we assume it is a money issue. Only poor people commit suicide because they cannot afford treatment. The suicide of Robin Williams destroys that myth. He had plenty of financial resources for treatment and had been in and out of treatment centers for years. In an interview with Dyane Swayer he described how overwhelming depression is, he said, "no matter what there is always that little voice in the back of my mind saying jump." If that voice is always there but society is saying there is something wrong with you for having depression in the first place or because you have not over come it, are you going to ask for help or keep seeking help? No.
Yes society often blames the patient. Why don't they try harder? Why didn't they think of their family? After Robin Williams' suicide a number of comedians and actors talked about their silent struggle with depression. Rosie O'Donnell stated it best, "when you are that deep down in that black hole with intense emotional pain, the only think you can think about is how to stop the pain. You don't think about your family or anything else."
May was Mental Health Awareness Month, think about your opinion or thoughts about mental illness. Think about a 10 year old boy feeling that suicide is the only way out of his pain. Think about the fact that he is dealing with a medical diagnosis similar to diabetes or high blood pressure. If this is right, why is there this negative stigma about mental illness? If a child has diabetes he receives medical treatment, there are summer camps and there is no shame put on the child or the family.
We need to make a change in how we view or react to mental illness. We live in the United States of America and we are supposed to be the super power in the world. You wouldn't think that in the most powerful nation in the world that the third leading cause of death for our children is suicide. We must change this ridiculous stereotype we have about mental illness and start providing people and children with appropriate treatment for their mental illness. The life you save might be your's child's life or the life of a family member or friend.
We may want to look at England. The Duke and Duchesses of Cambridge and Prince Henry have formed a program called, Heads Together. The goal of the program is to eliminate the negative stereotype about mental health and to make sure people who need psychotherapy receive it. In fact, the Duchess of Cambridge said publicly that if either of her children ever need psychotherapy that they will receive it. We might want to follow their example.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating children and teenagers. He is very active in eliminating the stereotype about mental health. For more information about Dr. Rubino's practice or his work visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Tips on How to Survive Thanksgiving
The Holiday Season is coming up fast. For many people this is a happy time and for others it is a stressful time. The Holidays can bring up family issues that have not been resolved yet or everyone is trying to make the day prefect that it becomes a stressful day not a happy one.
Thanksgiving is coming up first so let's deal with that day. Thanksgiving with family can mean an increase in chaos and stress. Having a Thanksgiving plan can reduce anxiety, decrease the likelihood of arguments and increase the likelihood that everyone has a happy and enjoyable Thanksgiving that they were expecting.
Lori Lite who writes about stress uses the acronym G-R-A-T-E-F-U-L as her Thanksgiving stress guide. It helps her and others get through the day in a peaceful manner. Each letter reminds you of something to do or a way to view the day so you do not get upset.
So here is how to use Gratitude as your Thanksgiving Stress Reliever.
G- Gratitude is the opposite of stress. It is difficult to feel stressed out when we are feeling gratitude.
R- Relax your expectations and let the day unfold. You might be surprised by the outcome.
A- Acceptance is the opposite of judgment. If we accept our family member for who they are and what they are capable of we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
T- Teens can be a part of Thanksgiving. Ask them what they would like to bring to the table. Let them bring it.
E- Empower children and let them help with age appropriate assignments. Putting the nuts out or making the centerpiece. Let them do it their way…not your way.
F– Focus on family for this day. Put all work and worries on the shelf
U– Unplug the electronics for dinner so that everyone can be fully present.
L- Love is often overlooked when we are busy. Cook with love… Speak with love… Show your love and gratitude for your family on this Thanksgiving Day.
This might seem very simple and obvious, but at times the best solutions are rather simple. Also you may want to practice using this in your daily life. It may seem simple, but it may be harder to do than you think because you are accustomed to doing things and viewing life in a certain way. This idea may challenge you to reassess how you approach life in general. Also this acronym may be helpful in your daily life.
Many of us are not use to looking at our lives in terms of what we have to be grateful for. Also many of us have a hard time relaxing and not worrying about work or other things we need to do. I have found that just being in the moment is difficult for most people. Most of us believe we always have to be doing something. This creates stress and disappointment. Finally, since we feel we must always be doing something, disconnecting from cellphones and other electronics can be very difficult for many people. However, think about it? How can you have fun and enjoy the day with your family, if your mind is not fully present? You can't. Furthermore, this can create tension for others because they feel ignored and for you because you feel they don't respect how important what you are doing at the moment is to you. As a result, you have stress which can turn into an argument and everyone is upset. A day of happiness becomes a day of anger and disappointment.
Therefore, in order to avoid this possibility trying use the word GRATEFUL and following its guidelines for the day. What do you have to lose?
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children, teenagers and their families. He has over 19 years experience. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or visit his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3.
Thanksgiving is coming up first so let's deal with that day. Thanksgiving with family can mean an increase in chaos and stress. Having a Thanksgiving plan can reduce anxiety, decrease the likelihood of arguments and increase the likelihood that everyone has a happy and enjoyable Thanksgiving that they were expecting.
Lori Lite who writes about stress uses the acronym G-R-A-T-E-F-U-L as her Thanksgiving stress guide. It helps her and others get through the day in a peaceful manner. Each letter reminds you of something to do or a way to view the day so you do not get upset.
So here is how to use Gratitude as your Thanksgiving Stress Reliever.
G- Gratitude is the opposite of stress. It is difficult to feel stressed out when we are feeling gratitude.
R- Relax your expectations and let the day unfold. You might be surprised by the outcome.
A- Acceptance is the opposite of judgment. If we accept our family member for who they are and what they are capable of we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
T- Teens can be a part of Thanksgiving. Ask them what they would like to bring to the table. Let them bring it.
E- Empower children and let them help with age appropriate assignments. Putting the nuts out or making the centerpiece. Let them do it their way…not your way.
F– Focus on family for this day. Put all work and worries on the shelf
U– Unplug the electronics for dinner so that everyone can be fully present.
L- Love is often overlooked when we are busy. Cook with love… Speak with love… Show your love and gratitude for your family on this Thanksgiving Day.
This might seem very simple and obvious, but at times the best solutions are rather simple. Also you may want to practice using this in your daily life. It may seem simple, but it may be harder to do than you think because you are accustomed to doing things and viewing life in a certain way. This idea may challenge you to reassess how you approach life in general. Also this acronym may be helpful in your daily life.
Many of us are not use to looking at our lives in terms of what we have to be grateful for. Also many of us have a hard time relaxing and not worrying about work or other things we need to do. I have found that just being in the moment is difficult for most people. Most of us believe we always have to be doing something. This creates stress and disappointment. Finally, since we feel we must always be doing something, disconnecting from cellphones and other electronics can be very difficult for many people. However, think about it? How can you have fun and enjoy the day with your family, if your mind is not fully present? You can't. Furthermore, this can create tension for others because they feel ignored and for you because you feel they don't respect how important what you are doing at the moment is to you. As a result, you have stress which can turn into an argument and everyone is upset. A day of happiness becomes a day of anger and disappointment.
Therefore, in order to avoid this possibility trying use the word GRATEFUL and following its guidelines for the day. What do you have to lose?
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children, teenagers and their families. He has over 19 years experience. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or visit his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Lies Schools Tell Parents About IEPs
School is back in session and schools are starting to review and assess children for IEPs (Individualized Educational Plan) or 504 plans. I have been hearing from parents all over the country who are afraid about lies they are hearing at their child's school. Many of these parents are panicked and overwhelmed. They know their child needs help at school but they do not want to ruin their child's future.
The issue that parents are feeling confused about is should their child have an IEP or a 504 plan. An IEP is for children who are having difficulty learning subjects in the classroom. Not because they have low intelligence, because they have a different learning style. I have seen numerous parents and received numerous emails from parents stating their child's school has told them an IEP would mark their child for life as unintelligent and possibly bankrupt the school district. None of these remarks are true.
An IEP will not stop your child from getting into a college or getting a job. Not having a decent education can stop your child from getting into college or getting a job. Therefore, if your child needs an IEP and not a 504 Plan in order to benefit from their education, not having an IEP could stop your child from getting into college or a job because they failed to receive a proper education.
Also think about when you applied for college or a job, did they ever ask for your middle school or elementary school records? The answer is no. Therefore, there is no way for a college or job to know if they ever had an IEP unless your child volunteers the information when they apply for college. Once again, colleges and jobs never ask an applicant if they ever had an IEP. Actually, an IEP can help students receive additional time taking the SAT and ACT and assist in college if they need it. So actually, it can help a child applying to college.
As for the idea that an IEP will bankrupt the school district, this is absurd. The school districts have plenty of money to provide children who need an IEP with an IEP. A 504 plan costs the district nothing and if the district fails to comply with the 504 plan, you really have no legal recourse. The IEP process is the same across the Country and if the school doesn't comply with the IEP, you have a number of options.
Parents before you panic or sign anything with the school district stop and think. Look at the proposed plan and decide do you think this is really what your child needs or is the school bullying you into signing their proposed plan. If you have doubts, don't sign and seek a second opinion. You are the one in charge. The school district cannot do anything until you sign the agreement. I have seen many parents made to feel guilty if they do not sign the school's plan. You are not a bad parent, you are a cautious parent. I have seen many schools doing what is best for them financially not what is best for your child.
For more information about IEPs and 504 plans visit the website www.lucascenter.org.
Dr. Michael Rubino has worked with children and families for over 19 years. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work or private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com
The issue that parents are feeling confused about is should their child have an IEP or a 504 plan. An IEP is for children who are having difficulty learning subjects in the classroom. Not because they have low intelligence, because they have a different learning style. I have seen numerous parents and received numerous emails from parents stating their child's school has told them an IEP would mark their child for life as unintelligent and possibly bankrupt the school district. None of these remarks are true.
An IEP will not stop your child from getting into a college or getting a job. Not having a decent education can stop your child from getting into college or getting a job. Therefore, if your child needs an IEP and not a 504 Plan in order to benefit from their education, not having an IEP could stop your child from getting into college or a job because they failed to receive a proper education.
Also think about when you applied for college or a job, did they ever ask for your middle school or elementary school records? The answer is no. Therefore, there is no way for a college or job to know if they ever had an IEP unless your child volunteers the information when they apply for college. Once again, colleges and jobs never ask an applicant if they ever had an IEP. Actually, an IEP can help students receive additional time taking the SAT and ACT and assist in college if they need it. So actually, it can help a child applying to college.
As for the idea that an IEP will bankrupt the school district, this is absurd. The school districts have plenty of money to provide children who need an IEP with an IEP. A 504 plan costs the district nothing and if the district fails to comply with the 504 plan, you really have no legal recourse. The IEP process is the same across the Country and if the school doesn't comply with the IEP, you have a number of options.
Parents before you panic or sign anything with the school district stop and think. Look at the proposed plan and decide do you think this is really what your child needs or is the school bullying you into signing their proposed plan. If you have doubts, don't sign and seek a second opinion. You are the one in charge. The school district cannot do anything until you sign the agreement. I have seen many parents made to feel guilty if they do not sign the school's plan. You are not a bad parent, you are a cautious parent. I have seen many schools doing what is best for them financially not what is best for your child.
For more information about IEPs and 504 plans visit the website www.lucascenter.org.
Dr. Michael Rubino has worked with children and families for over 19 years. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work or private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com
Camouflagging A Dangerous Teen Behavior
A new behavior for teenage and tween girls has been identified by an adolescent psychologist. The behavior that has been identified is called “Camouflaging.” This behavior left unidentified can lead to low self-esteem, depression, cutting etc.
Camouflaging is when an adolescent girl changes how she looks, her opinions or things that she does in order to be accepted by the other girls. The real problem occurs when the girl is changing so much about herself or does it for so long that she forgets or losses track of her real self.
While this behavior has just been identified in girls and what the researcher explains appears correct, I believe this behavior applies to boys too.
Many adolescent boys change the way they dress, their beliefs and the way they act to be accepted by their friends. I hear many of these boys telling me in therapy that they feel lost. They tell me they no longer have an idea of who they really are or believe or feel. These boys also turn to alcohol, drugs and cutting. Usually to numb out their lost feeling or to feel something.
As a result, many teens start acting like someone they are not just to be accepted. This fear of not being accepted and forgetting their real self because they has been covering it up for so long or denying their true feelings for so long can result in boys and girls having low self-esteem or feeling depressed.
This low self-esteem and depression can result in such behaviors as cutting, eating disorders, drug use, becoming sexually active etc. Often boys and girls cut just so they can feel as I stated above. The constant denying of their emotions can cause boys and girls to lose a sense of their true feelings. Therefore, cutting can occur so boys and girls feel. Denying their feeling or who they are can result in boys and girls feeling very confused. Therefore, they look for behaviors that help them remember who they are and help them identify their true feelings. They also seek behaviors that help them deal with denying their feelings or changing their behaviors. This can trigger eating disorders or drug abuse. This helps numb out the feeling and confusion of denying their feeling and trying to forget their true self. This can cause feelings of depression and anxiety too.
What should parents look for in their teens? If your son or daughter tries to stop wearing his or her glasses or if he or she all of a sudden changes how he or she dresses or acts these are possible warning signs. Another change could be not doing as well in their classes because they are afraid of looking too smart.
While it is normal for teenagers to make changes in their attitudes or how they dress, we are talking about something that goes far beyond normal self-expression.
This is what we are talking about. If teenagers are changing their hair or how they dress as a way to express themselves that is normal teenage behavior. However, if teenagers are doing it just to fit in and they end up losing a sense of their true self this is camouflaging.
Camouflaging results in depression or low self-esteem because the teenager is forgetting their true self. If they are doing it as a way of trying to experiment with their self expression, the teenager is happy and confident as stated above. This is the main point to understand. Experimenting with their dress and beliefs etc. is normal for teens and helps teenagers identify themselves, however denying or camouflaging their feelings results in teens losing themselves and many behavior problems. This is the main thing for parents to watch for in their adolescents behavior.
If you go onto Yahoo and look up Camouflaging you will find a segment on Good Morning America about Camouflaging. In fact, here is the link to the GMA segment https://gma.yahoo.com/video/parents-worry-tween-teen-camouflaging-122935763.html?soc_src=copy. Also if parents look at the February issue of Teen Vogue, you will find an article about Camouflaging.
Dr Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with teenagers and their families. Dr Rubino is considered an expert psychotherapist in the treatment of teens. For more information about Dr Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com
Camouflaging is when an adolescent girl changes how she looks, her opinions or things that she does in order to be accepted by the other girls. The real problem occurs when the girl is changing so much about herself or does it for so long that she forgets or losses track of her real self.
While this behavior has just been identified in girls and what the researcher explains appears correct, I believe this behavior applies to boys too.
Many adolescent boys change the way they dress, their beliefs and the way they act to be accepted by their friends. I hear many of these boys telling me in therapy that they feel lost. They tell me they no longer have an idea of who they really are or believe or feel. These boys also turn to alcohol, drugs and cutting. Usually to numb out their lost feeling or to feel something.
As a result, many teens start acting like someone they are not just to be accepted. This fear of not being accepted and forgetting their real self because they has been covering it up for so long or denying their true feelings for so long can result in boys and girls having low self-esteem or feeling depressed.
This low self-esteem and depression can result in such behaviors as cutting, eating disorders, drug use, becoming sexually active etc. Often boys and girls cut just so they can feel as I stated above. The constant denying of their emotions can cause boys and girls to lose a sense of their true feelings. Therefore, cutting can occur so boys and girls feel. Denying their feeling or who they are can result in boys and girls feeling very confused. Therefore, they look for behaviors that help them remember who they are and help them identify their true feelings. They also seek behaviors that help them deal with denying their feelings or changing their behaviors. This can trigger eating disorders or drug abuse. This helps numb out the feeling and confusion of denying their feeling and trying to forget their true self. This can cause feelings of depression and anxiety too.
What should parents look for in their teens? If your son or daughter tries to stop wearing his or her glasses or if he or she all of a sudden changes how he or she dresses or acts these are possible warning signs. Another change could be not doing as well in their classes because they are afraid of looking too smart.
While it is normal for teenagers to make changes in their attitudes or how they dress, we are talking about something that goes far beyond normal self-expression.
This is what we are talking about. If teenagers are changing their hair or how they dress as a way to express themselves that is normal teenage behavior. However, if teenagers are doing it just to fit in and they end up losing a sense of their true self this is camouflaging.
Camouflaging results in depression or low self-esteem because the teenager is forgetting their true self. If they are doing it as a way of trying to experiment with their self expression, the teenager is happy and confident as stated above. This is the main point to understand. Experimenting with their dress and beliefs etc. is normal for teens and helps teenagers identify themselves, however denying or camouflaging their feelings results in teens losing themselves and many behavior problems. This is the main thing for parents to watch for in their adolescents behavior.
If you go onto Yahoo and look up Camouflaging you will find a segment on Good Morning America about Camouflaging. In fact, here is the link to the GMA segment https://gma.yahoo.com/video/parents-worry-tween-teen-camouflaging-122935763.html?soc_src=copy. Also if parents look at the February issue of Teen Vogue, you will find an article about Camouflaging.
Dr Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with teenagers and their families. Dr Rubino is considered an expert psychotherapist in the treatment of teens. For more information about Dr Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com
Monday, October 31, 2016
Kindness During A Divorce
We often complain and criticize each other especially during a divorce. However, what about remembering and appreciating the good times? What about looking at what you can do to help the situation rather than plan your next attack? This may result in you appreciating and respecting each other. If you are divorcing and have children, respecting each other will help you and your children. Also you may even notice your children being more respectful and cooperative. If you are setting an example of kindness and gratitude, your children have something to follow.
When I work with couples who are trying to repair or end a relationship, I ask them to think back to the beginning of their relationship. What were they attracted to? What did they admire about the other person? Remembering the good that you recognized and appreciated in the other person can make decisions that you need to make during a divorce easier. People typically act in a civil manner towards people they respect. Hate and mistrust usually ends up in a fight a no one wins. I know it sounds crazy, but trying to focus on what you appreciated in someone at one time can make a divorce easier. Given in certain situations this is not practical, but for the average divorce this can be done.
Continuing this respect and appreciation after the divorce is very important if you have children. If your former spouse re-marries and they are marrying someone who cares about your children, be grateful for this fact. Your children have two homes where everyone loves and cares about them. What more could you want? Demonstrating this respect to your children can make this transition to having a step-parent easier and not overly traumatic.
However, in order for this to occur you and your ex-spouse need to remember what you admired at one time and focus on keeping part of those feelings alive. It will also help you feel better in the long run. You won't feel like you wasted years of your life with someone you hate. Instead, you can view the marriage as something that just didn't work even though you are both good people. We don't always have to assign blame. At times being grateful for the experience and what you have learned about life and yourself is better than hating your ex-spouse. This is something we need to work on and address in our society. Furthermore, as I stated above when I have parents who have taken this approach it tends to impact how your children act and help the children adjust to the divorce easier.
As a psychotherapist who works with teenagers involved in high conflict divorces daily, I see the difference when parents don't fight. When parents don't focus on blaming and that both parents are good people, teenagers react in a positive manner. They continue to focus on their school work, to not turn to drugs or acting out and they respect their parents. They see what their friends are going through when the divorce is high conflict and the parents hate each other. These teenagers appreciate and respect their parents for not putting them through a civil war. When this occurs teenagers can do things that amaze us in how they share their gratitude with the world.
This high school in Ohio should be an example to us. These teenagers are in a positive environment and have seen acts of kindness and look what they have created. This is not the first school video they have done. They also did a video in 2014. These kids have received positive feedback for their acts of kindness and they are turning around and helping thousands of other people. We need to keep in mind that teenagers tend to repeat and share the experiences they live in their daily lives. Therefore, if teenagers are exposed to kindness and respect even when parents are divorcing, they are likely to share it. This is why parents need to try to look at what were the good parts of their marriage even during divorce and avoid blaming.
I have included a link to this amazing video by this high school. I encourage you to watch it, donate to their cancer cause and think about how you can encourage and acknowledge a acts of kindness in your life and marriage. Look at what high school students & teachers can do when they decide to help others. We need to support them and encourage other teens https://youtu.be/oYRZFAQql7o.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with teenagers and families going through high conflict divorces. To learn more about his work and private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy
When I work with couples who are trying to repair or end a relationship, I ask them to think back to the beginning of their relationship. What were they attracted to? What did they admire about the other person? Remembering the good that you recognized and appreciated in the other person can make decisions that you need to make during a divorce easier. People typically act in a civil manner towards people they respect. Hate and mistrust usually ends up in a fight a no one wins. I know it sounds crazy, but trying to focus on what you appreciated in someone at one time can make a divorce easier. Given in certain situations this is not practical, but for the average divorce this can be done.
Continuing this respect and appreciation after the divorce is very important if you have children. If your former spouse re-marries and they are marrying someone who cares about your children, be grateful for this fact. Your children have two homes where everyone loves and cares about them. What more could you want? Demonstrating this respect to your children can make this transition to having a step-parent easier and not overly traumatic.
However, in order for this to occur you and your ex-spouse need to remember what you admired at one time and focus on keeping part of those feelings alive. It will also help you feel better in the long run. You won't feel like you wasted years of your life with someone you hate. Instead, you can view the marriage as something that just didn't work even though you are both good people. We don't always have to assign blame. At times being grateful for the experience and what you have learned about life and yourself is better than hating your ex-spouse. This is something we need to work on and address in our society. Furthermore, as I stated above when I have parents who have taken this approach it tends to impact how your children act and help the children adjust to the divorce easier.
As a psychotherapist who works with teenagers involved in high conflict divorces daily, I see the difference when parents don't fight. When parents don't focus on blaming and that both parents are good people, teenagers react in a positive manner. They continue to focus on their school work, to not turn to drugs or acting out and they respect their parents. They see what their friends are going through when the divorce is high conflict and the parents hate each other. These teenagers appreciate and respect their parents for not putting them through a civil war. When this occurs teenagers can do things that amaze us in how they share their gratitude with the world.
This high school in Ohio should be an example to us. These teenagers are in a positive environment and have seen acts of kindness and look what they have created. This is not the first school video they have done. They also did a video in 2014. These kids have received positive feedback for their acts of kindness and they are turning around and helping thousands of other people. We need to keep in mind that teenagers tend to repeat and share the experiences they live in their daily lives. Therefore, if teenagers are exposed to kindness and respect even when parents are divorcing, they are likely to share it. This is why parents need to try to look at what were the good parts of their marriage even during divorce and avoid blaming.
I have included a link to this amazing video by this high school. I encourage you to watch it, donate to their cancer cause and think about how you can encourage and acknowledge a acts of kindness in your life and marriage. Look at what high school students & teachers can do when they decide to help others. We need to support them and encourage other teens https://youtu.be/oYRZFAQql7o.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 19 years experience working with teenagers and families going through high conflict divorces. To learn more about his work and private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
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