Middle School Today

a psychotherapist who treats adolescents who are in high school, I often hear parents concerns about what teens face in high school.  For example, many parents worry about drugs and alcohol.  There are numerous other issues too.  The parents do need to be concerned because these are issues in high school.  If they have a child in middle school too and I mention they need to address theses issues with their child in middle school, many parents look surprised.

I hear parents say every day that they don’t need to worry about drugs or alcohol with their child in middle school because their child is too young for that right now. Well the reality is that Middle School Students are drinking, using drugs and having sex.  Many parents are unaware of what is happening in Middle Schools these days. Drugs and alcohol are just the tip of the iceberg. Children that are in the age group of middle school are now involved numerous dangerous activities such as selling drugs.

To begin with, most campuses are better pharmacies than your pharmacy. I have had middle school kids say they can get Vicodin, Concerta, Ecstasy and of course weed and alcohol on their school campus. Some kids use at school and some use after school and on the weekends.  More and more middle school kids are deciding to experiment with drugs and alcohol due to the pressure to feel successful as a teenager and so they fit in with friends.

Also many middle school kids are sexually active, but they don’t think they are sexually active. They think because they are not engaging in intercourse and they are engaging in oral sex that it doesn't count. The kids say they are just “messing around” with each other and do not consider this sex. They also have no idea about sexually transmitted diseases or how to protect themselves for STDs or getting pregnant.  However, the number of middle school kids engaging in oral sex and intercourse has increased significantly over the last few years.  The rate is now high enough that some middle schools, such as the San Francisco School District, are providing condoms to middle school kids.  Yes, Middle Schools are giving condoms to children in the sixth grade.  These kids are only 11 years old.

Another common issue in middle school is bullying. However, we are not just talking about one kid teasing another kid at school anymore. Today there is for a group of kids teasing one kid and it is not just at school.  Now kids are using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and texting by cellphone to tease and harass other kids.  And as many of you may recall there have been a number of kids who have committed suicide due to the teasing at school.  I recently wrote an article about a middle school girl who committed suicide and in her obituary she left a note to the other students just asking them to be nice to each other.  Another issue with teasing, is that a number of middle school students have been arrested for photos they text and for harassment. Besides teasing, texting a nude photo of a student in middle school means the middle school child violated child pornography laws.  Something many parents and students are not aware of is that when a child texts a nude photo of a middle school student, who is under 18 years old, it violates child pornography laws and the child who texts it and received it can both be arrested. 

Also many kids in middle school, especially boys, don’t feel safe and are afraid of someone trying to beat them up before or afraid school. They say they have to fight because other kids are recording it and posting it on YouTube.  Boys are bragging about their fights on YouTube and comparing how many people have watched their fight with their friend’s fight.  Therefore, boys feel they must fight, otherwise if they don’t fight the other kids will think they are a “whimp” so they have

Autism is not a dirty word

Over the years I have had the opportunity to work with many children and teenagers who happen to be autistic.  Often their parents are very worried.  They worry about their child’s future and how people will treat their child.  They have this concern because society tends to treat autism like some terrible disease.  Someone with Autism will never have a future or decent life.

This has not been my experience.  The children and teens I have had the pleasure to work with who have autism are caring, smart, decent people.  When they are given a chance, they can achieve a great deal.  Many teenagers on the autistic spectrum are able to go to college, get a job, have a family and be productive members of society.  However, for this to occur we need to eliminate the negative stigma associated with autism and mental health.  We also need to provide them with the mental health services so they can succeed.  They should be able to access these services without being judged.

I saw a video of a teenager talking to a judge.  This teen with autism shows why we need to eliminate the negative stigma associated with mental health and provide access to services without judgement.  Also he shows why we should not judge people or label people. Watch how impressed the judge is by this young man.  He is very mature, acts appropriately, has a plan for himself and not ashamed about being autistic. People can surprise you when you don’t judge them https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:ugcPost:6507566653688160256.

If we provide other teens who are on the autistic spectrum or are depressed with the appropriate services, you would be amazed at what they can do.  I have never met and worked with a child or teen on the autistic spectrum who has not impressed me with what they can do once they are given a chance.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers many have been on the autistic spectrum.  For more information regarding his work or private practice practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com, his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

The Truth about IEP Meetings

The school year is coming to a close soon.  Therefore, students with IEPs or 504 plans must have their yearly review deciding if a child still qualifies for an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) or a 504 plan.  Also for parents who requested their child be evaluated for an IEP, they will soon be having their initial IEP meeting to determine if the child qualifies for an IEP.  I have posted this article before, but it appears I need to post it again. Once again, I have been hearing from parents all over the country who are afraid about lies they are hearing from their child's school.  Many of these parents are panicked and overwhelmed.  They know their child needs help at school, but they do not want to ruin their child's future. Additionally, many parents do not know what their child is legally entitled to and the school districts take advantage of this fact.

The issue that parents are feeling confused about is should their child have an IEP or a 504 plan.  An IEP is for children who are having difficulty learning subjects in the classroom.  They do not have an IEP because they are not intelligent.  They have an IEP because they have a different learning style. I have seen numerous parents and received numerous emails from parents stating their child's school has told them an IEP would mark their child for life as unintelligent and possibly bankrupt the school district.  None of these remarks are true.

An IEP will not stop your child from getting into a college or getting a job as an adult either.  Not having a decent education can stop your child from getting into college or getting a job.  Therefore, if your child needs an IEP and not a 504 Plan in order to benefit from their education, not having an IEP could stop your child from getting into college or a job because they failed to receive a proper education.  

Also think about when you applied for college or a job, did they ever ask for your middle school or elementary school records?  The answer is no.  Therefore, there is no way for a college or job to know if your child ever had an IEP unless your child volunteers the information when they apply for college or a job.  Once again, colleges and jobs never ask an applicant if they ever had an IEP.  Actually, an IEP can help students receive additional time taking the SAT and ACT and assist them in college if they need it. So actually, it can help a child applying to college.

As for the idea that an IEP will bankrupt the school district, this is absurd. The school districts have plenty of money to provide children who need an IEP with an IEP.  A 504 plan costs the district nothing and if the district fails to comply with the 504 plan, you really have no legal recourse.  However, an IEP is a legal agreement and the laws governing IEPs are the same in every state in the United States.  Also if a school doesn't comply with an IEP, you have a number of options including legal options.

Also parents please do not pay to have your child psychologically tested or undergo any educational testing by a private mental health clinician.  Legally, the school district does not have to accept these tests results.  The school has the right to do all testing first.  If you disagree with the school’s tests results, you can contest the results and request that your child be re-evaluated by an independent clinician.  If you request an independent evaluation, you can select who does the testing and the school district must pay for the independent evaluation not you.

The only testing schools currently are not doing are assessments for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  Too many children were being diagnosed with ADHD and now these assessments need to be done by a mental health clinician in private practice.  These evaluations you do have to pay for.

Another issue I am receiving a large number of emails about is that the school is not doing anything.  Parents are saying they are hearing from the school that their child is distracted in the classroom and not doing well on tests or homework.  However, the school is not doing anything.  If you feel your child needs to be assessed, you need to submit a written letter requesting the evaluations to the principal.  Requesting it verbally does nothing.  Legally you must submit a written letter to the school principal in order to start the IEP process. 

Another suggestion, parents before you panic or feel guilty about not signing that you agree with the assessments by the school because the school is pressuring you to accept their recommendations, stop and think.  Look at the proposed plan and decide do you think this is really what your child needs or is the school bullying you into signing their proposed plan. If you have doubts, don't sign the agreement and seek a second opinion.  You are the one in charge not the school.  The school district cannot do anything until you sign the agreement.  I have seen many parents made to feel guilty if they do not sign the school's plan.  You are not a bad parent if you do not sign right away, you are a cautious parent.  If you do not agree with the proposed IEP plan, you can sign that you disagree and do not accept the proposed plan.  There is a space on the form for you to do so.  If you reject the plan, you will not ruin your child’s education.  If you reject the plan, it simply means the school district needs to do more work to develop an acceptable plan.  However, I have seen many school districts doing what is best for them financially not what is best for your child and making parents feel guilty.  There is no need to feel guilty if you do not accept, the first option presented.  Think about it when you are selling or buying a house, you do not automatically accept the first offer and you do not feel guilty.

If parents are divorced, you face some additional challenges especially if you are having difficulties co-parenting with your ex-spouse.  Some districts have called the parent who is more willing to sign and gets them to agree to sign and close out the IEP.  I have also heard stories where the district encourages the arguing between the parents to get the parents to drop the process or for one to become so angry the parent signs the IEP to irritate the other parents.  Yes it sounds unbelievable, but I have seen it happen many times.

I encourage any parent dealing with the IEP process or a 504 plan to take things slow.  Ask all the questions you need and seek a second opinion if you feel you need one.  You do not have to sign any documentation right away.  Remember, you can sign that you do not agree and need more time. School districts are going to push you to sign right away, but legally you have every right to take some time and consider their proposal.  Please do not be afraid to assert your rights.  You are doing what best for your child’s education and future by taking time to review everything.

For more information about IEPs and 504 plans visit the website www.lucascenter.org.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist and has worked with children and families for over 20 years.  He also worked as an Intern at AB3632 for 2 years.  AB3632 is a California program that provides counseling services for children in Special Education.  They also participate in IEPs on a regular basis.  Dr. Rubino has been an IEP Advocate for over 20 years.  For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino's work or private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com or www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.Lucascenter.org. 

How Teenagers Cope with Grief

In our society we have difficulties dealing with emotions, especially grief.  This can be very difficult for teenagers and families.  We continue to have school shootings, where students and teachers are killed, and the suicide rate for children between 10 years old and 18 years old is at an epidemic rate.  In addition, teenagers are dying at epidemic rates for overdosing on drugs.  Therefore, many teens and families are dealing with grief on a fairly regular basis, but have little support or education about grief to help them.  I see this quite often in my psychotherapy practice.

It’s important to remember that grief is a very unique and individual process.  There is not a right way or wrong way to grieve.  When someone is grieving it is very important to allow them to grieve how they need to and provide support to them as needed.  It is appropriate to offer support, but do not expect someone to grieve the way you would.  It may not help them and may create additional problems.

Lauren Hershel posted on Twitter an analogy to help explain grieving.  I think it is a good analog so I am repeating it in this article.

Lauren stated, after what has been a surprisingly okayish Christmas, I had a moment today in SuperStore. I saw a lady who reminded me of my 92 year old grandma, who even in the early stages of dementia, completely understood that my mom died.

I thought I’d share the Ball in the Box analogy my Doctor told me

So grief is like this:

There is a box with a ball in it and a pain button. In the beginning, the ball is huge. You can’t move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it - it just keeps hurting. 

Sometimes it seems unrelenting in the beginning because the ball is huge. You can’t move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it - it just keeps hurting.  

Over time, the ball gets smaller. It hits the button less and less but when it does, it hurts just as much. It’s better because you can function day to day easier. But, the downside is that the ball randomly hits that button when you least expect it.

For most people, the ball never really goes away. It might hit less and less and you have more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was giant. I thought this was the best description of grief I’ve heard in a long time.

I agree I think this is a good description.  Often I have teens that I am working with in therapy who worry or are afraid because they think they are grieving wrong.  I explain there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It is important that they grieve how they need and ask for help when they need to.

When I was an intern, a supervisor described grief to me as an ocean wave.  You know a wave will come in but you never know when, how big or for how long.  She said all you can do is your best to roll a long with it and not fight the emotion.  You cannot control the wave, but you do know as sure as it came in, it will go out too.  Initially the waves will be frequent and then they start to subside and you learn to cope with the grief.  Just like with the ball analogy, the waves usually do not disappear.  However, it is alright that they do not.  It is natural when you think of the loved one you lost that you will feel some sadness.  It is a normal reaction.

Given the amount of grief teenagers are having to cope with due to what is happening in our world, it is very important that we provide better access to mental health care.  Also at home and at school we need to be teaching children about emotions too.  They are a very important part of life and if they are going to succeed in life, they need to learn how to express emotions in a healthy manner.  We need to focus especially on boys.  I would estimate that 98% of the boys I treat think that emotions are weak.  They go to desperate means not to cry or look sad.  This is why many boys and men have problems with anger.  Socially we accept boys getting mad, but not crying.

Please think about these issues and remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience. He specializes in treating children and teenagers.  For more information about his work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com, his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy 

What Teenagers will do for love

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and many people are focusing on love and relationships.  Many people are familiar with this line, “you complete me,” from the movie, Jerry McGuire, starring Tom Cruise.  A deaf couple signs this message to each other in an elevator and Tom Cruise's character assumes they must really be in love.  However, this may not be the reality. In reality it may be an unhealthy relationship.

As a psychotherapist with 20 years experience treating couples and teenagers, I have observed a common mistake that many people make regarding relationships and love.  Many people tell me they feel an emptiness inside themselves and describe it as a "big empty hole."  They assume that a relationship will fill this emptiness.  In other words, they are relying on their partner to eliminate the empty feeling they are experiencing.

This is a mistake.  The only person that can fill that emptiness you feel is you.  When I work with couples or an individual who is experiencing this emptiness, they usually are upset with their partner.  They are upset because their partner is not filling the emptiness.  Also the other partner is frustrated because they are tired of having to constantly reassure their partner.  They report they are tired of always having to worry about meeting their partner needs and that their needs are constantly being pushed aside.

This type of pattern is very common in relationships where there is domestic violence or a substance abuse problem.  Also jealousy is a major issue in these relationships.  The person who is experiencing the emptiness is very sensitive to feeling rejected or abandoned.  This is usually a result from childhood issues that have never been addressed.  However, as an adult, if they sense these feelings in their relationship they tend to over react to them.  The person may drink excessively to reduce their fears and men often result to verbal or physical abuse.  Anything that will keep their partner in the relationship and continue to fill the empty space.

This tends to occur because as we grow up there is a great deal of pressure for people to be in relationships.  You see this in children in first grade or kindergarten when adults jokingly ask children if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  If a child doesn't they often feel there is something wrong with them.

I see this issue a lot with teenagers.  I have teenagers who feel they are defective because they never had a girlfriend or boyfriend.  This defective feeling increases significantly, if the teenager never has been on a date.  They believe if they are going to be a “normal” teenager, they must at least be dating.  Boys tend to believe they must be sexually active too.  I have had teenagers tell me they felt suicidal or were using drugs because they did not have a girlfriend or boyfriend.  They are willing to risk their lives using drugs or believe they are better off dead, if they don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend.  They are so tied up trying to live the stereotype, they can’t believe that many teenagers do not have a girlfriend or boyfriend and do not date in High School.

This pattern continues into adulthood.  Many women feel defective if they are 30 years old and not married.  Men feel as if they are not men if they do not have a girlfriend.  Both men and women often settle for anyone as long as they can say they are in a relationship.

As children, we never learn how to love and care for ourselves.  Ask someone if they would go out to dinner by themselves and most people look terrified by the idea.  They have no idea what they would do and they are afraid about what other people with think.  This is a sad state that we cannot love ourselves.  If we always need someone to reinforce we are lovable, we turn our power over to strangers.  If someone says something nice about us we feel good, if they say something hurtful, we feel unworthy as a person.  But, why should someone else determine our value?  We should be the one who judges if we are lovable or not.  A relationship should add to our life like a bottle of wine adds to a meal. A relationship should not define us as a person.

As a result of this problem, many couples end up divorcing because a partner is tired of having to reassure their spouse daily.  I have seen these divorces become very nasty and costly.  So both parties are hurt even more and so are the children.  They only people benefiting are the attorneys.

We also have this same issue with teenagers.  However, when they break up it tends to be more dramatic.  A teenager may start to use drugs, develop an eating disorder, start cutting, become depressed and may attempt suicide.  The behaviors are not uncommon after teenagers break up.

We see this acting out behavior more in teenagers and children.  Teenagers and children are desperate to feel that they are loved by their parents especially.  If they don’t feel they are loved, there is a tendency to act out.  Disney’s movie, Frozen, has a segment where the trolls explain that if someone doesn’t feel loved they may act out in pain or make poor decisions in an attempt to find love.  Oprah, during her last show, had a very good way of expressing this need.  She stated, “everyone wants to know: 'Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you.”  The program Challenge Day, which Oprah recommends, states what teens are looking for this way: every teenager wants to feel safe, loved and celebrated.  I see it every day, when teens don’t feel loved, they act out.  Negative attention is better than no attention.  

How do we handle this issue? We need to start to acknowledge as a society that a relationship doesn't make you a complete person.  Only you can make yourself feel complete as a person.  Also we need to remove the stigma of seeking mental health care.  We need to encourage adults who feel incomplete without a relationship to seek psychotherapy and deal with their issues.  Parents, if you notice that your teenager is desperate to be in a relationship, help them get psychotherapy so they can deal with the pain they are feeling.  Remember this emptiness feeling typically begins in childhood.  Therefore, if we show children and teens that they are loved or get them help when they are acting out, we can prevent them from dealing with this emptiness for years.

Again, please remember a relationship should add to your life, it should not make you a person or define you as a person.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with families and teenagers.  If you would like more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3. 

Taking an IEP to College

Working with children and adolescents I have had many parents ask about 504 plans and Individual Educational Plans (IEP).  Parents tend to focus on the assistance their child may need in elementary or high school due to a learning disability or mental health issues.  Over 20 years as a psychotherapist, what I have observed is that children who need assistance in elementary and high school typically need assistance in college. Since we are coming to the end of the school year and as seniors in high school prepare for graduation and decide on plans for college, IEPs need to be addressed with colleges that students will be attending.

From my experience, most families assume there is no assistance in college.  However, typically if a child has an IEP, they are also entitled to assistance in college.  Most colleges in their Counseling departments have programs designed to help disabled students.  A student with a physical or learning disability or mental health issue such as ADHD or depression would qualify for assistance by the Disabled Students Program at a college.  I have recently been receiving many questions from Parents about what happens to their child’s IEP when the go to college and questions from parents who have college freshmen asking about their child’s IEP.  Therefore, I thought it would be beneficial to provide information about how IEPs are handled by colleges.  In addition to an IEP, any student with a learning disability or mental health issue is entitled to accommodations because they are covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1991.

Additionally, if you live in California and you have a physical or learning disability or a mental health issue and if you had or did not have an IEP while in school, you may qualify to be a client of the California Department of Rehabilitation.  This Department is responsible for assisting people in California, with a disability, find a job and get the education they may need to find a job.  The Department may assist their clients by providing tuition assistance for community or state colleges and provide financial assistance to buy text books and school supplies.  What they are able to do depends on the State budget.

This is another reason for parents to insist when their child does need an IEP that the school district places the child on an IEP.  The lies schools tell parents that an IEP will prevent their child from getting into a college, the military or getting a job is not true.  Another reason to insist on the IEP, if your child qualifies for an IEP, as a result of having an IEP, your child can be granted accommodations on the SAT or ACT.  These are tests seniors typically need to take when they are applying to four year universities.  The common accommodation most students require is additional time to complete the tests.  I have had many teens with ADHD come to me seeking accommodations on the SAT or ACT.  A common requirement that the testing boards require is that a student needs to have had an IEP if they are seeking accommodations on these tests.

Therefore, many students who have disabilities or mental health issues can receive assistance in college.  While many people may be surprised, it is true.  However, for many college students finding the assistance can be confusing and overwhelming. For a Freshman in college dealing with heath or mental health issues the confusion and embarrassment people deal with because of society stereotypes can cause students to give up.  However, I was contacted by bettercollege.com with a resource guide they developed for college students with mental health issues.  While their guide was created for students with mental health issues, it can also be used as a guide for students with physical or learning disabilities.

Since I feel this is a valuable guide to Freshman students and their families, I am including a link to this resource guide below:

Guide to College Planning for Psychiatrically Impaired Students - https://www.bestcolleges.com/resources/college-planning-with-psychiatric-disabilities/

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience working with children, teenagers and college students.  For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work and private practice visit one of his web sites www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.     

The Super Bowel and Domestic Violence

For many people Super Bowel Sunday is a day of fun. However, for many it is a day of terror due to Domestic Violence. Learn about how the two events are related. However there is help available. Facts about Super Bowel Sunday & Domestic Violence https://patch.com/california/pleasanthill/facts-super-bowel-sunday-domestic-violence