Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Yelling at a Teenager Does not Work

Over the years I have had parents bring their teenagers to therapy because there is a great deal of yelling at home.  I let parents know that yelling and arguing with a teenager never solves a problem.  If yelling worked, parenting would be easy, wouldn’t it? We’d simply shout, “Do it!” and our kids would comply. But here’s the truth: yelling doesn’t work.

I tell parents that if screaming at your teenager, you give up your power and authority.  A teenager’s brain is still developing.  Therefore, while they make look like an adult, they do not have the cognitive or reasoning skills that adults do.  Teenagers know how to argue and they know if they get you to scream they win.  When you start screaming, you lose track of your initial point and the teenager can direct the argument in a way that benefits them.  James Lehman MSW, who also works with teenagers, has noticed the same pattern and recommends the same approach.

When a parent tells me they’re yelling to get their teenager’s attention, I understand the frustration. Let’s face it, at times it is frustrating being a parent. And it can be frustrating being a teenager. And there are times that everyone yells.  However, we do not want this to be the normal way you communicate with your teenager.


If you want your teenager to listen to you, you need a system in your home in which it becomes the teenager’s responsibility to listen to you. Here are five things you can start doing right away to stop the yelling and screaming:

1. Use Face-to-face Communication
When you talk to your child, look them in the eye—don’t yell from the kitchen. If you really want to communicate with your kids, turn off the electronics and talk to them face-to-face. Don’t yell up the stairs at them. And tell your child that this is the new plan. You can say:
“Hey Connor, I wanted to mention to you that from now on I’m going to come in and shut off the electronics when we talk. I’m also going to ask you to come downstairs so we can look at each other instead of yelling. That way, we can talk about things face-to-face.”

Be sure not to get stuck in a glaring and staring power struggle. 
Face-to-face does not mean eye-to-eye.

2. Have a Positive Regard
Work on having positive regard. In other words, wear a positive look on your face when you talk to your child. Your expression should be calm rather than angry or frustrated. Believe me, children will read your face and immediately shut down if you look angry or frustrated.

I think it’s important for parents to realize that kids get agitated during emotionally-laden discussions, just like adults do. If your boss calls you in and tells you that you’re not going to get something you want, you feel upset and uncomfortable but you probably don’t scream. The difference in your reaction is that you have better coping skills than your child does and that you know it’s unacceptable behavior to scream.

I recommend that you work on wearing an expression that does not look angry or frustrated, even when you’re talking about something difficult with your child. There are studies that show that children get upwards of 70 percent of your meaning from the look on your face.

3. Use Structure
Time and time again, I’ve seen parents resort to yelling at their kids when they don’t have structure. Without structure, each day is different—and the plan is always geared toward what the parent wants (or allows) the child to do next. Requests then become personalized, which creates fertile ground for a power struggle to escalate quickly.

When you use structure in your home, you immediately have a way of de-personalizing requests. You can simply point to the schedule and say:
“6 p.m.—time to turn off electronics and do your homework.”
I actually recommend that you post it in a central location in your home, like the kitchen.

When kids have structure, they are far less likely to challenge every request you make. They may still moan and groan, but the focus has been taken off of you and placed on the structure you’ve set up.

4. Talk to Your Child about Yelling
I always suggest that you talk to your child ahead of time about any changes you’d like to see take place. Pick a nice day when things are going okay. Say:
“Hey Jessica, I think we’ve been yelling and shouting too much, and it’s just not helpful. I want to work on not doing that anymore. And if you start yelling, I’m going to turn around and walk away, and I’m not going to talk to you for 15 minutes.”
Say this simply and matter-of-factly. Don’t get into any deep discussions or spend a lot of time talking about it. I recommend that you keep it to two minutes. You don’t want to process anything or get into emotions. You just want to say it and then get on with your day.

5. Get out of the Argument
I think as a parent, once you’ve reached the stage where you’re in an argument with your child, your job is to get out of it as quickly as possible. The next time your child starts yelling at you, calmly say,
“Don’t talk to me that way. I don’t like it.”
Then turn around and walk away. That conversation is over for you, which stops the fight immediately. Know that when you leave the room, all the power leaves the room with you. Your child is left to yell at the empty walls. If your child has a tantrum anyway, that’s not your concern. You do not have to engage with him or stay there and watch it.

Set the Example

Finally, remember that for a child living in an environment where parents yell a lot, yelling becomes normal. Thus, a normal kid will learn how to yell back. After all, it seems like the appropriate response. Strive to establish an environment at home where yelling is not normal.

The truth is, the earlier we teach kids a broad repertoire of coping and problem-solving skills, the less yelling and acting out there will be. Appropriate coping skills include compliance, negotiating, and assertiveness. These skills can all be used effectively to circumvent the default mode of shouting and yelling.
I always recommend that parents make the decision to not yell—and really work on it. Believe me, the screaming matches in your home will die a natural death once you stop engaging in them.

I know what I am recommending is difficult.  Especially because your teenager knows exactly what buttons to push.  However, if you can stay calm, your teenager will not know what to do and you will be able to make your point without becoming so stressed and frustrated.


Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience working with children, teenagers and young adults.  For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his websites at www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 

Monday, September 24, 2018

Does Your Son Act This Way?

I posted this article a few days ago.  However, over the past few days there have been some events that require me to add to and repost this article.

Over the past two years we have been hearing a lot about men in the entertainment industry and politics who have sexually harassed women and teenagers over the past years.  As a result, women are feeling strong enough to come forward and tell everyone about the secrets they have been ashamed of for years.  What does this tell us about our society?  Also what message have children and teenagers been receiving about sexual assault and rape over the last 20 years?

Let me provide some facts about this issue.  Every 98 seconds someone in the United States is sexually assaulted.  One out of four females and one out of seven males will be sexually assaulted during their life time.  Many people who are a victim of a sexual assault are children.  Most victims do not report being assaulted or raped.  They fail to report the incident because they are afraid no one will believe them and they fear having to prove it happened.  For males, they are afraid that people will think they are gay and wanted it to happen.  If they did not want it to happen, why did they allow it to occur?  This idea that the victim wanted it is applied to women too (RAINN).  The following link provides access to many more statistics about victims, their families, and the long term impacts and costs of sexual assaults https://www.rainn.org/statistics

The nomination of Judge Kavanaugh to the United States Supreme Court has once again brought this issue out of the shadows.  A woman has accused the Judge and a friend of sexually assaulting her at a party when they were teenagers. While this subject may be uncomfortable to discuss, it is still part of our society and we need to address it.  The woman who accused the Judge has kept her secret for 36 years.  She was afraid of how people may judge her or blame her.  Originally, there was this one accusation, however, this week another woman stated she was assaulted by the Judge while they were in college.  Keeping a secret like this can create numerous emotional problems for the victim.  In fact, many women who have been victims of sexual assaults or rape often commit suicide because they feel so ashamed.  The month of September is dedicated to suicide prevention so this gives us another reason to discuss this issue.

Something else that I heard this week is “many high school boys have done the same thing.”  It is not true and even if it was, does it make it acceptable?  This statement implies girls safety is not that important and is very insulting to young men in high school.  As a psychotherapist who works with high school boys, I have seen many who disagree that this is normal high school behavior.  However, the fact that some people believe this statement allows sexual assaults to continue.

What this tells us about society is the old stereotype about how men should “act” is still a very big part of our society and we have continued to teach children the stereotype.  This stereotype about what it takes to be “a man” was highlighted in the documentary, “The Mask You Live In.”  The documentary discusses how the stereotype about what it takes to “be a man” impacts both boys and girls and discusses options for how to change the stereotype.

Basically the belief is “boys will be boys.”  What this is telling boys is that to “be a man,” you must be sexually active.  Also men do not need to worry about how they treat women sexually.  The only thing men need to be concerned about is having sex.  While this is the stereotype for men, girls are told they are not to be sexually active.  If you think back to high school, a girl who was sexually active was considered to be “dirty.”  However, the boys who were sexually active were considered, “men” and looked at in a positive manner.  Another part of this stereotype is that women were not supposed to talk about sex.  This was not “lady like.”  Therefore, if they were sexually assaulted by a boy they could not say anything.  If they did, they would be considered “bad girls” and looked at like prostitutes.  So men had all the power and women had no power.

This stereotype hurts both boys and girls.  It pressures boys to become sexually active even if the boy is not ready.  Also it doesn’t allow boys to learn how to have healthy, mature relationships with girls.  The stereotype also teaches girls to deny their sexual feelings and to look at themselves as just objects.  They are not given the chance to develop self-esteem or to respect themselves and to insist that they be treated respectfully.  This is not healthy for girls and it is not healthy for boys either.

Recently, a number of professionals who work with teenagers have been trying to change this stereotype.  This was the point behind the documentary, “The Mask You Live In,” and such programs as Challenge Day and the program, Alive and Free.  One of the goals of these programs is to teach boys that being sexually active does not make them a “man” and to respect girls.  The other part of the goal is to teach girls it is normal for them to have sexual feelings, but they are not sex objects.  No one has the right to force them to do anything sexual they do not want to.  Also if someone does force them, a girl has the right to speak up without being labeled a prostitute.

Now that women are starting to speak up, it provides parents with an opportunity.  It gives you the chance to speak to your teenager about sexual relationships.  You can speak to your sons and daughters and educate them about what is appropriate and what in not appropriate.  Also you can discuss with your teenager about what they think makes someone a man or a woman.  You can help dispel this stereotype we have believed in for years.

As a society, it gives us the chance to support the women who are speaking up about past abuse they have experienced.  It also gives us a chance to educate men that the old stereotype the learned is wrong.  We can help re-educate men and for men who have been abusive provide them a chance to apologize and change their behavior.

I know this subject has upset many people.  Women who have been sexually assaulted but have tried to deny it may be experiencing symptoms again as these feelings they buried re-emerge.  Men who have sexually assaulted women may be experiencing feeling of guilt or fear of being exposed.  However, instead of looking at this as a terrible situation.  We can look at it as a chance to change a terrible situation that had existed in our society for years.  It has also caused a great deal of harm to women and men.  Yes men too.  No one who has self-respect could abuse someone the way many women have been abused.  Therefore, we have a chance to heal old wounds and prevent future ones from occurring.  I encourage everyone use the opportunity we have been given.


Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers and victims of sexual abuse.  He has over 20 years of experience.  For additional information about Dr. Rubino visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy  

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Preventing Teenage Suicide

Different months of the year are dedicated to different issues.  For example, May is dedicated to Mental Health Care. This article discusses a number of reasons why teenagers have mental health issues and how we can help.  Some of the issues I treat teenagers for are suicide, cutting, bullying, drug abuse, early sexual activity and poor performance at school.  A number of these issues can lead to a teenager feeling suicidal.  September is dedicated to suicide prevention.  Suicide is the third leading cause for death for children 10 to 18 years old.  If we are going to prevent suicide we must prevent the issues which can result in suicidal feelings and actions.

I have been working with teenagers for over 20 years. In those years I have seen many teenagers for many different reasons.  However, when the teenager tells me why they are doing what they are doing, I often hear very similar answers for a number of different issues. It sounds odd and surprising, but when you look at it from the teenager's point of view it makes sense.

What I have heard very often over the last 20 years is that the teenagers who are bullying, cutting, depressed, using drugs or having sex, do not feel loved by their families.  In fact, they feel no one cares about them and no one cares how they feel or what they do.  Therefore, they act out. They have decided negative attention is better than no attention.  So if they are bullying someone, coming home high, threatening suicide or having sex, they will get attention for their negative behavior.

Furthermore, teens are now forming friendships with other teens who bully, use drugs, are suicidal or sexually active.  This common bond makes them feel someone else understands and cares about them.  This is how gangs form and pressure members to do things they usually would not do.  The teenager feels they have a family and people who care about them.  They are so desperate for love that they will do anything to stay as a gang member.  They will do anything to avoid that lonely, empty feeling.

This really should not be surprising.  We have seen and heard about this is in the popular media for years.  The Disney movie, Frozen, mentions that people make poor choices and mistakes if they do not feel loved.  The movies, The Breakfast Club & Good Will Hunting, both demonstrate the point of teens acting out and doing anything for friends so they feel loved.  The play, West Side Story, is another good example.  Also in her last show Oprah said that one thing she had learned is that everyone wants to know, "am I important to you, do you hear me, do you see me?."  The teenagers that I have worked with all tell me the same thing.  Also it is amazing that when they test me enough and they see that I do care how they are willing to try to change.

The problem is that with society today everyone is concentrating on their own lives and they have little time to acknowledge the people around them. Parents are having to work two to three jobs to support their families.  Parents assume that their teenagers will see how hard they are working and know their parents are working that hard because they love them.  However, teenagers' brains are not fully developed yet so their reasoning skills are not like an adult's reasoning.  Teenagers need to hear, I love you, from their parents and need one on one time with their parents.

Parents cannot be the only people letting teenagers know that they are important.  We are asking too much of parents to be the only ones. Teachers need to show they care by staying after school to help teens who have questions or are confused or need to talk. We need to look at the movies, television and music that teenagers are listening to.  Also we need to look at society.  Society gives a message of looking at for number one. There are not a lot of role models encouraging teens to accept one another as they are and to support each.  Look at the President and how he bullies and insults minorities, women and people who disagree with him on Twitter on a daily basis.

What is the answer?  We need to change our priorities and tell our teenagers and children that we love them and care about them.  Schools need to bring in programs such as Challenge Day which teach teenagers to accept each other and care for each other.  We need to encourage our teenagers to follow the Harlem Globetrotter's program.  They refer to it as the ABC program. A is for being assertive, B is for being brave and C is for compassion.  In other words, when you see someone being a bully or harassing someone, speak up and say it is wrong, report it and show the victim some compassion.  If every time a teenager notices that someone in their class seems down and they ask the person if they are alright we can make a big change in these negative behaviors such as suicide, bullying and drug use.  Also if parents ask their teenager how they are doing without judgement or fear of punishment we could change a lot of these negative statistics.  Think about it, why would a teenager say yes I have been using drugs or cutting if they are afraid of getting into trouble?

Summing it up, if we are going to solve issues such as bullying, domestic violence, suicide and cutting to name a few, we need to all work together. We need to let people know that we care and show it.  We also need to be brave enough and assertive and speak up when we notice someone being bullied or report when we have noticed someone vandalizing someone's property.  We need to provide teenagers with positive role models and insist that our schools use programs such as Challenge Day and Alive & Free.  We all need to work together and speak up about things that are wrong if we want things to change.


Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist in private practice with over 20 years experience working with teenagers and children. He is considered an expert in the treatment of teens and children. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website www.rcs-ca.com or visit his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Who Are 2E Children?

Many parents are very happy to hear that their child has been classified as “gifted.”  They assume that their child will do very well in school and have a very bright future because they are “gifted.”  While “gifted” children may excel in certain academic areas, often they have difficulties in other social situations or academic areas.  These children are called twice exceptional children.  Research by John Hopkins estimates that one out of five children are twice exceptional or 2E which is a more common term.  Therefore, John Hopkins estimates that there are approximately 700,000 2E children in the United States.

Wikipedia defines 2E children in the following way:

A 2e child usually refers to a child who, alongside being considered gifted in comparison to same age-peers, is formally diagnosed with one or more disabilities. Although 2e can refer to any general disability, it is often used to refer to students with learning disabilities, although research is not limited to these areas, and a more holistic view of 2e can help move the field forward. The disabilities are varied: dyslexia, visual or auditory processing disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sensory processing disorder, autism, Asperger syndrome, Tourette Syndrome, or any other disability interfering with the student's ability to learn effectively in a traditional environment. The child might have a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or diagnoses of anxiety or depression.[6] Often children with 2e have multiple co-morbid disabilities than present as a paradox to many parents and educators.

Many people may find this hard to believe, however, as a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers, I have seen many “gifted” children who do have the disabilities listed above.  A common issue I have encountered is that “gifted” children often have difficulties making friends and dealing with social situations. If they had not been classified as “gifted”, parents would see that they do meet the criteria for Asperger’s Syndrome.  Another common issue I have seen in psychotherapy with “gifted” children is that they have difficulties organizing their ideas and maintaining sustained attention.  These children meet the criteria for ADHD.

One of the primary difficulties for these children is since they have been classified as “gifted,” many schools do not want to offer support services for a “gifted” child who has ADHD or a processing problem.  Because they are not receiving the academic support they need, many of these children suffer with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.  I have seen this many times with “gifted” children that I see for psychotherapy.  It also creates a great deal of stress for the parents.  They can see their child is having difficulties and the child is complaining about difficulties, but the school tells the parents the child is doing fine because they are “gifted.”

The research from John Hopkins University shows us that the two are not mutually exclusive.  A child can be “gifted” in one area and have a learning disability in another area of life.  Therefore, a “gifted” child may need a 504 plan or an individualized educational plan (IEP).  Therefore, if you are the parent of a 2E child and you notice that your child is having difficulties at school, do not be afraid or nervous to advocate for your child.  To make this easier, I have included a link which discusses misconceptions about 2E children, 7 Myths About Twice-Exceptional (2E) Students http://u.org/2hp0dNU.  I am also providing a link to a newsletter for an organization which helps parents with 2E children and advocates for them, https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=3&ved=0ahUKEwiv8PmrxYDYAhUH6oMKHbmyD10QFggiMAI&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.2enewsletter.com%2Farticle_2e_what_are_they.html&usg=AOvVaw35GmKdn_P9FJzqMBPkMMrD.

If this sounds like your child do not panic. Arrange to have your child evaluated by a mental health clinician who is familiar with 2E children.  They can help you develop a treatment plan and let you know if your child needs accommodations at school.


Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers.  In fact, he specializes in treating children and teenagers.  If you want to know more about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com\drrubino3.

Natural Consequences May Be Beneficial to Teenagers

Working with children and teenagers, I am often asked about how to implement rules and what are appropriate consequences. While I am a strong advocate that every family should have a household contract which contains the rules for the family, I also strongly believe in natural consequences.  Sometimes you need to allow nature to takes its course and children and teenagers often learn very fast.  Mary Burns, M.ed., who also works with children advocates for natural consequences too.  I have outlined the concept below and how Ms. Burns and I believe parents can use natural consequences.

Natural consequences can best be described as the logical outcome of a decision your child makes. These consequences can come from outside forces such as teachers or the police, but may also come from you setting limits on how much you will do for your child.

A benefit of natural consequences is that you don’t have to come up with them yourself. Instead, you’re allowing the “chips to fall where they may.” This can help your child to learn about what happens when he makes various choices on his own. It shows him that rules are here for a reason and going against them is unpleasant.

Natural consequences allow you to take this stance:
“This isn’t my problem. You’re the one who made the choice. What are you going to do differently next time?”

5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face

1. Poor Decisions at School
I’ve worked with many parents whose kids get into trouble at school. But instead of letting their child be accountable, they try to bail their kid out. Remember that your child’s version of the story is not always the true version of what has happened. Your child will sometimes rearrange the facts to justify his poor choices—and omit information about his own behavior.
When your child makes a poor choice at school, such as a lewd comment in the cafeteria or pushing a peer in the hallway, the information you get about the situation is often incomplete. There is often much more going on that teachers see and hear that you don’t know about. Most of the time it’s harmless and there is no need to tell you and teachers know that all kids make mistakes.
When your child is given a consequence at school, there’s usually a very good reason for it. Let your child face these natural consequences such as missing recess, going to detention, or attending school on Saturday. If you try to bail your child out of trouble at school, you undermine the school’s authority. Your child gets the message that he doesn’t have to listen to his teachers and his behavior will likely worsen.
Finally, don’t punish your child further for actions that he is already facing consequences for at school. Let the school handle the school issues if they are doing so adequately.

2. Personal Belongings
In most cases, it’s effective to let your child be in control of her own space and her own belongings. If you tell your child to put her dirty clothes in the laundry and she doesn’t, then they don’t get washed. The natural consequence is that she has no clean clothes.

You aren’t doing anything extra here or going out of your way to do something your child can do herself. You are simply washing what there is to wash. You may even make your child responsible for her own laundry. If she doesn’t do it, she doesn’t have clean clothes.

The natural consequence of a dirty room is that your child won’t be able to find things. Not wearing a coat to school in the winter? He will get cold. If your child brings his favorite toy to school (when you told him not to) and it gets lost or stolen, then his toy is gone. Lose or carelessly break your phone and you will be without a phone for a while. The options are plentiful here.

3. Household Chores
The most common way for families to handle chores is to provide a small allowance. It works best to break the allowance down into a payment for each chore. When children don’t do the chores, they don’t get paid. It’s just like in the real world. If you don’t work, you don’t get paid and you can’t buy the things.

Another system I love that works well with kids who leaves their things all over the place is the “Saturday Box.” Every night after bed, you pick up whatever your child left lying around the house and put it in the Saturday Box. And, as the name implies, she won’t get it back until Saturday. If one of those items happens to be her handheld game device for example, then you have a bonus natural consequence: she won’t get to play until Saturday. And that’s on her, not you, as long as you told her about the Saturday Box ahead of time.

4. Homework
Your child needs to learn to take responsibility for homework and grades. The natural consequences are plentiful here. He may get lectured by the teacher or he may have to stay in from recess to finish the homework. In some instances, he may not get to participate in school-sponsored activities. And, if it’s very serious, he might even have to repeat the grade or go to summer school.
This consequence may sound harsh. But, you aren’t going to follow your child around to his job when he grows up to make sure he does everything his boss wants him to do, right? That’s why it’s best for your child to learn now what happens when you don’t meet your responsibilities.
This is not to say that you ignore homework and school altogether. It is appropriate to set up consequences to help ensure that your child does his homework, and I discuss this further below. But, natural consequences play an important role here as well.

5. Behavior in the Community
We say this all the time here at Empowering Parents: no matter how much you would like to, you can’t control your child’s behavior outside your home. If your child does something rude or obnoxious at a friend’s house, the natural consequence might be that he isn’t allowed over there for a while. If he speeds, he might get a ticket. Each of these actions has their own natural consequences.

When misbehavior outside your home poses a safety risk, you certainly do want to impose some consequences of your own at home, of course.

When Should You Give Your Child Consequences?
Natural consequences are important and you should not shield your child from them. But you still need to develop your own consequences for many behaviors. Does my child’s behavior present a serious safety concern? Is my child’s poor decision in this situation likely to have long-term negative or unhealthy consequences? Is my child being rude or verbally abusive towards me? In these cases, you do not want to wait for natural consequences to occur. Instead, you need to come up with effective consequences yourself to improve their behavior.
For example, if your child’s grades are failing, you can establish a daily structure where he has no access to electronics or favorite toys from after school until the work is done. You could also try to add additional incentives for your child to follow this structure at least 3 or 4 days in a row.

After you’ve set up effective consequences and rewards, the rest is up to your child. She will choose whether to risk the natural consequences again or not.
Additionally, you must step in if there is a safety is a concern. If your child has been smoking pot or experimenting with alcohol, the car can be off limits for a while. When your child refuses to wear a helmet, the bike is locked up. If your child has shoplifted, he might lose the privilege of walking to the store on his own for a while. These are just a few of many possible examples.

Coach Your Child
With every child, it’s helpful for you to talk with him or her about their decisions and the outcomes of those decisions. Younger children will need you to offer them choices, while mid-elementary aged kids and up can make choices more independently.
When you talk, you can discuss your child’s reason for making a decision, what the outcome was, and what he could do differently next time. This will help him maximize the learning that comes from mistakes and give him the skills to avoid unpleasant consequences in the future—natural or otherwise.

The Real World Experience Kids Gain by Facing Consequences

While it’s your responsibility to coach your child and point out the consequences of his choices, it’s up to your child to make the choices. And it’s up to your child to experience the outcome of those choices.

Even the best-behaved kids will make poor choices now and again. The hard truth is that decision-making is a skill your child needs to learn so he can function as an adult. Natural consequences are one of the best teachers a child can have. orking with children and teenagers, I am often asked about how to implement rules and what are appropriate consequences. While I am a strong advocate that every family should have a household contract which contains the rules for the family, I also strongly believe in natural consequences.  Sometimes you need to allow nature to takes its course and children and teenagers often learn very fast.  Mary Burns, M.ed., who also works with children advocates for natural consequences too.  I have outlined the concept below and how Ms. Burns and I believe parents can use natural consequences.

Natural consequences can best be described as the logical outcome of a decision your child makes. These consequences can come from outside forces such as teachers or the police, but may also come from you setting limits on how much you will do for your child.

A benefit of natural consequences is that you don’t have to come up with them yourself. Instead, you’re allowing the “chips to fall where they may.” This can help your child to learn about what happens when he makes various choices on his own. It shows him that rules are here for a reason and going against them is unpleasant.

Natural consequences allow you to take this stance:
“This isn’t my problem. You’re the one who made the choice. What are you going to do differently next time?”

5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face

1. Poor Decisions at School
I’ve worked with many parents whose kids get into trouble at school. But instead of letting their child be accountable, they try to bail their kid out. Remember that your child’s version of the story is not always the true version of what has happened. Your child will sometimes rearrange the facts to justify his poor choices—and omit information about his own behavior.
When your child makes a poor choice at school, such as a lewd comment in the cafeteria or pushing a peer in the hallway, the information you get about the situation is often incomplete. There is often much more going on that teachers see and hear that you don’t know about. Most of the time it’s harmless and there is no need to tell you and teachers know that all kids make mistakes.
When your child is given a consequence at school, there’s usually a very good reason for it. Let your child face these natural consequences such as missing recess, going to detention, or attending school on Saturday. If you try to bail your child out of trouble at school, you undermine the school’s authority. Your child gets the message that he doesn’t have to listen to his teachers and his behavior will likely worsen.
Finally, don’t punish your child further for actions that he is already facing consequences for at school. Let the school handle the school issues if they are doing so adequately.

2. Personal Belongings
In most cases, it’s effective to let your child be in control of her own space and her own belongings. If you tell your child to put her dirty clothes in the laundry and she doesn’t, then they don’t get washed. The natural consequence is that she has no clean clothes.

You aren’t doing anything extra here or going out of your way to do something your child can do herself. You are simply washing what there is to wash. You may even make your child responsible for her own laundry. If she doesn’t do it, she doesn’t have clean clothes.

The natural consequence of a dirty room is that your child won’t be able to find things. Not wearing a coat to school in the winter? He will get cold. If your child brings his favorite toy to school (when you told him not to) and it gets lost or stolen, then his toy is gone. Lose or carelessly break your phone and you will be without a phone for a while. The options are plentiful here.

3. Household Chores
The most common way for families to handle chores is to provide a small allowance. It works best to break the allowance down into a payment for each chore. When children don’t do the chores, they don’t get paid. It’s just like in the real world. If you don’t work, you don’t get paid and you can’t buy the things.

Another system I love that works well with kids who leaves their things all over the place is the “Saturday Box.” Every night after bed, you pick up whatever your child left lying around the house and put it in the Saturday Box. And, as the name implies, she won’t get it back until Saturday. If one of those items happens to be her handheld game device for example, then you have a bonus natural consequence: she won’t get to play until Saturday. And that’s on her, not you, as long as you told her about the Saturday Box ahead of time.

4. Homework
Your child needs to learn to take responsibility for homework and grades. The natural consequences are plentiful here. He may get lectured by the teacher or he may have to stay in from recess to finish the homework. In some instances, he may not get to participate in school-sponsored activities. And, if it’s very serious, he might even have to repeat the grade or go to summer school.
This consequence may sound harsh. But, you aren’t going to follow your child around to his job when he grows up to make sure he does everything his boss wants him to do, right? That’s why it’s best for your child to learn now what happens when you don’t meet your responsibilities.
This is not to say that you ignore homework and school altogether. It is appropriate to set up consequences to help ensure that your child does his homework, and I discuss this further below. But, natural consequences play an important role here as well.

5. Behavior in the Community
We say this all the time here at Empowering Parents: no matter how much you would like to, you can’t control your child’s behavior outside your home. If your child does something rude or obnoxious at a friend’s house, the natural consequence might be that he isn’t allowed over there for a while. If he speeds, he might get a ticket. Each of these actions has their own natural consequences.

When misbehavior outside your home poses a safety risk, you certainly do want to impose some consequences of your own at home, of course.

When Should You Give Your Child Consequences?
Natural consequences are important and you should not shield your child from them. But you still need to develop your own consequences for many behaviors. Does my child’s behavior present a serious safety concern? Is my child’s poor decision in this situation likely to have long-term negative or unhealthy consequences? Is my child being rude or verbally abusive towards me? In these cases, you do not want to wait for natural consequences to occur. Instead, you need to come up with effective consequences yourself to improve their behavior.
For example, if your child’s grades are failing, you can establish a daily structure where he has no access to electronics or favorite toys from after school until the work is done. You could also try to add additional incentives for your child to follow this structure at least 3 or 4 days in a row.

After you’ve set up effective consequences and rewards, the rest is up to your child. She will choose whether to risk the natural consequences again or not.
Additionally, you must step in if there is a safety is a concern. If your child has been smoking pot or experimenting with alcohol, the car can be off limits for a while. When your child refuses to wear a helmet, the bike is locked up. If your child has shoplifted, he might lose the privilege of walking to the store on his own for a while. These are just a few of many possible examples.

Coach Your Child
With every child, it’s helpful for you to talk with him or her about their decisions and the outcomes of those decisions. Younger children will need you to offer them choices, while mid-elementary aged kids and up can make choices more independently.
When you talk, you can discuss your child’s reason for making a decision, what the outcome was, and what he could do differently next time. This will help him maximize the learning that comes from mistakes and give him the skills to avoid unpleasant consequences in the future—natural or otherwise.

The Real World Experience Kids Gain by Facing Consequences

While it’s your responsibility to coach your child and point out the consequences of his choices, it’s up to your child to make the choices. And it’s up to your child to experience the outcome of those choices.

Even the best-behaved kids will make poor choices now and again. The hard truth is that decision-making is a skill your child needs to learn so he can function as an adult. Natural consequences are one of the best teachers a child can have.


Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience and specializes in treating children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit one of his websites www.RubinoCounseling.com, www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3